Posts by jonsie5

jonsie5

Aug 18, 2011

Undergraduate / "decision to enlist in the military" - UT Austin Transfer -SOP [4]

Thanks for the comments!
As for your essay, I feel a disconnect between "My sanctuary had been compromised. Yet over the course of that season, something had stoked the nearly extinguished fire inside of me." and "No longer did I brace myself for heart-sinking criticism and disappointment when I made mistakes. Instead, I invested time in going for runs to build up my endurance, practicing new soccer tricks, or working on the mechanics of my shot." What was it that gave you the desire to turn your situation around?

I love how you express that you took control over the outcome and released yourself from fear. I would offer more critique, but I don't know what your prompt was.

jonsie5

Aug 18, 2011

Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

Thanks for the comments!
As for your essay, I feel a disconnect between "My sanctuary had been compromised. Yet over the course of that season, something had stoked the nearly extinguished fire inside of me." and "No longer did I brace myself for heart-sinking criticism and disappointment when I made mistakes. Instead, I invested time in going for runs to build up my endurance, practicing new soccer tricks, or working on the mechanics of my shot." What was it that gave you the desire to turn your situation around?

I love how you express that you took control over the outcome and released yourself from fear. I would offer more critique, but I don't know what your prompt was.

jonsie5

Aug 18, 2011

Undergraduate / "I cannot help but feel left behind." UT AUSTIN Statement of Purpose [3]

I feel like the mood of this essay is kind of negative. It's a little bit "woe is me". You could spin it. Make it sound more like you are overcoming adversity by making a decision and sticking with it. Explain how you will accomplish your goal by using examples of how you balanced a hectic schedule in the past. Definitely figure out what you want to do with your degree, as that is part of the purpose for getting. They know what graduates do already, so you don't need to inform them. Just pick something that may be interesting to you. Just because you put it on your list now, doesn't mean you will have to go with that career once you graduate. I doubt the admissions office of a major University wants to hear that you are coming to them to help you figure out your life. Try no to sound so unsure of yourself, and don't fear failure. You will succeed at anything you try.

I know that the prompt kind of makes you think of this as a personal letter you might write to let your personality show through, and in a sense you have done that. Your essay is very honest. However, you should think of it more as a job interview. Highlight your positive traits. Think of what you can offer the school and society by joining the student body.

Other than that, there are a few grammatical errors. If you want help correcting those, let me know.

Check out my essay and tell me what you think. Good luck!

jonsie5

Aug 17, 2011

Undergraduate / "decision to enlist in the military" - UT Austin Transfer -SOP [4]

Hi!! This is my Statement of Purpose. It should round off about a page. SOP should be used as an opportunity to speak directly to Admissions and explain any descrepancies or address subjects that are not expressed on the application. Any criticism with this would help.Too long? Too Short? Not personal? Too Personal? Grammar? Etc.

Thank you.

My decision to enlist in the military has changed my life in ways that cannot be matched. I am one of the fortunate few who belong to an organization that instills the most honorable values in its personnel and develops them into a cadre to be used at their fullest potential. At first, it was difficult to find my niche and I made many mistakes. Recovering from those choices took a lot more strength than I knew I possessed at the time. Now I have armed myself with the right tools to progress and actualize my aspirations. I have broadened my experience by participating in an array of team and community activities and used my tenacity to accomplish personal and shared goals. While I have exceeded the expectations of those around me, I know that I am capable of achieving much more. That is why I have decided to further my development by continuing my education in order to earn a commission in the United States Air Force.

My goal as a commissioned officer in the Air Force is to be an agent of change, whether on a small or large scale, so long as the change is positive and for the good of many. In Airman Culture, we learn that leadership requires passion an inspiration. The same goes for learning foreign languages and exploring other cultures. Another thing we accept is that our world is ever evolving, and because of this, we are constantly learning. In my everyday use of Arabic, as a Cryptologic Linguist, I find more that I don't know about my own first language. I am successful in my profession because my passion is language, so I have been inspired to pursue an undergraduate degree in English. Unfortunately, my year as a part-time student at the University of Maryland University College does not reflect my determination to succeed. Instead, it shows a period when I struggled to find a balance between my academic and professional lives. However, I am prepared to dedicate 100% of my energy and attention to excelling in each course while studying full time at the University of Texas at Austin.

It would be a privilege to immerse myself in the diversity of cultures, both in the capitol city of my home state and on the university campus. The opportunities afforded to the students of one of the top ranking English departments in the country allow for incredible growth. I hope to enhance my learning experience with courses in Linguistics and ASL, and I am eager to build lifelong relationships with new peers and mentors. Certainly, completing a BA in English will be the first of many daunting steps on my way to earning teaching certificates and an MFA in Creative Writing, but it will be the most exciting of them all.