Because this is a rough draft, I realize that it is fraught with errors. And while I very much appreciate any form of feedback, I am most interested in how this essay sounds to the reader (voice, style, organization, etc.). Thanks in advance to anyone who is willing to help!
"Faggot," he said tauntingly, coughing to make his remark less conspicuous. Wincing, I could feel a sharp pang of resentment rocketing through my body. I sat up, the urge to confront him welling up inside of me. His piercing eyes begged for a reaction. And then it came. A cursory glance. His leering gaze transformed into a broad grin of spiteful pleasure. Josh looked away, helplessly squirming in his seat. The impulse faded, replaced by another all-but-too-familiar feeling. Fear.
For years, fear has forced me to sit cowering behind my "straight" persona and witness Josh's pain. It has reminded me of what it means to live an isolated existence in a fiercely heterosexual agrarian community, surrounded by people who hate me for who I am. It has been my bitter reminder of what it means to be a "faggot." And the very thought of it terrified me.
As a result, I morphed into a person whose attempts at asking insightful questions or engaging in class discussions were thwarted by the sneering remarks of his classmates, a person who sacrificed opportunities to try new things because of the inevitable embarrassment and initial failure that would result. It seemed everything I did was characterized by fear. That is, everything except soccer. During this time, soccer was my escape. There was no mindless fear of being judged. No pretending to be someone I am not. But almost inevitably, not even soccer remained untouched for long.
As I dawned on my freshman year, I began making mistakes. Egregious ones. And lots of them. A bad touch on the ball. A misplaced shot. I tried to reassure myself that it was a lack of concentration, a fluke. But the mistakes did not lie. And neither did the verbal lashings I received from incensed coaches and teammates. My sanctuary had been compromised.
Yet over the course of that season, something had stoked the nearly extinguished fire inside of me. No longer did I brace myself for heart-sinking criticism and disappointment when I made mistakes. Instead, I invested time in going for runs to build up my endurance, practicing new soccer tricks, or working on the mechanics of my shot.
But I did not stop there. With my fierce resolve to better myself as a soccer player came a much-needed dose of confidence, one that has given me a new attitude toward life. Pushed by more than just my passion for playing soccer or making the varsity team, I was ready to prove myself wrong, demonstrate that my fear of being gay does not have to define my life. And as a result, soccer became more than an outlet for channeling my pent-up frustrations; it became my proving ground. My catalyst for change.
Today, I no longer shy away from decorating the sets of school play productions, or perfecting the extracted art of baking a Buche de Noel for French class, or writing and editing for the school newspaper for fear of being labeled "gay." And no longer am I the bashful student of years past. Instead I shoot off questions in rapid-fire fashion, making sure that my voice and my opinions are heard. But above all, I have learned the power of leading by example. As elected team captain, I have become a better person by treating my teammates with respect and showing what it means to be a good sport on and off the field.
The truth is, soccer has introduced me to a person who has learned to appreciate all that life has to offer. A person who does not allow fear to define his life.
"Faggot," he said tauntingly, coughing to make his remark less conspicuous.---They say that a strong interesting opening sentence is the best way to start an essay...you sure caught my attention! Nice opening sentence!
As a result, I became mutated---How do you feel about the word 'morphed'?--- into a person whose attempts...
Egregious ones, and lots of them.---I changed this because sentences should not usually begin with the word, 'and'.
Instead, I looked for ways to improve.
And With my fierce resolve to better myself as a soccer player came a much-needed dose of confidence.
You're an excellent writer! I hope you're taking all the creative writing classes you can, because your writing is unique, (resentment rocketing through my body) expressive and interesting. So many teenagers could benefit by the wisdom you've gained, and the knowledge that it's better to be who you are, than to hide it. Good luck in school and have fun!
:)
Thank you so much for your comments, Susan and Rebecca! I knew that my voice would show through on this essay, I was just afraid that it might be too much (too impassioned).
Also, did you feel that there was any part that was weak or could use more examples/further explanation? Because there were so many points I tried to get across, I may have been too vague trying to condense this essay to the 500 word limit. Other suggestions, comments, etc. are welcome, too!
Looks like if you take the advice given it would be awesome.
nice essay. wonderful introductory paragraph.
And don't fret about sounding impassioned; your emotion has enhanced the essay's appeal.
cheers
Thank you, Jerry! I feel that my essay has improved tenfold after taking your comments into consideration! However, I have found it difficult trying to convey a conclusion that is able to embody the emotion found in the remainder of my essay... We shall see...
lovely but a bit over?
Thanks once again, Jerry!
I very much agree with what you said. But it will be difficult articulating why the mistakes I made occurred as I dawned on my freshman year. (Finding the right examples to use, wording, and brevity are my major concerns.)
As for my conclusion... that will take time and will probably require the most thought. As you are probably well aware, trying to capture the essence of an essay is no easy task, especially when trying to write a conclusion that is stronger than the introduction... something to aspire to, I suppose.
Thanks for the comments!
As for your essay, I feel a disconnect between "My sanctuary had been compromised. Yet over the course of that season, something had stoked the nearly extinguished fire inside of me." and "No longer did I brace myself for heart-sinking criticism and disappointment when I made mistakes. Instead, I invested time in going for runs to build up my endurance, practicing new soccer tricks, or working on the mechanics of my shot." What was it that gave you the desire to turn your situation around?
I love how you express that you took control over the outcome and released yourself from fear. I would offer more critique, but I don't know what your prompt was.
I personally am confused about the use of Josh in this essay. If you are talking in third person you need to make that a little more clear because you use me and my in the rest of the paper. all and all it think it's really powerful and fantastically written.
Thank you for the comments!
While I do write in first person for the majority of the essay, I transition into third person, at times, to show the disconnect I felt between the person I am today and the person I was before. I realize that it may have come across as being confusing-- sorry!
Also, I am not sure how well the introduction came across. I was trying to make it seem as if the person who said "faggot" were talking to me. However, toward the end of the paragraph I revealed that this person was, in fact, talking to Josh, the only openly gay student in my school. Is this how it read?
Any ideas about how to make this less confusing are appreciated!
As I read it, I imagined the instigator speaking to you, and was then surprised to find that he was in fact talking to "Josh". I think this is an excellent introduction to a very powerful essay. As mentioned above, it is difficult to come up with a conclusion as meaningful as the intro at times, however I see yours getting better with every revision. One thing you may want to try is starting from the conclusion - up and asking yourself, what do I want the reader to be left with? What emotions and ideas?
Maybe you could elaborate on your journey to becoming team captain? That seems an incredible accomplishment especially given the fear you had started with. That was the piece that struck me the most, as it brings the story full circle.
