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Posts by eliwin
Joined: Aug 21, 2011
Last Post: Sep 7, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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eliwin   
Sep 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "one day I can wear my black and gold" - why to apply to UCF? [3]

UCF is a great school! Good luck! Here are my comments on your essay:

My oldest brother has always been my greatest influence . He earned perfect grades throughout high school, got accepted to a prestigious medical school, and now he has his very own successful family practice. It is my dream to follow in his footsteps. The writer above is correct, it would make more sense if your brother is brought through the rest of the essay somehow... did he go to UCF? Maybe helped you choose UCF by researching programs with you?

I am excited about the new College of Medicine, the breakthrough four year scholarships offered to an entire class, and the $133.3 million dollars worth of research funding. The idea of training in many of the major specialty hospitals in the Orlando area is very exciting to me. It seems like you go directly to medical school. Maybe focus a little more on the undergraduate stuff... the medical science program, microbiology program, whatever your planned major is. You'll have opportunities to work in research labs on campus, etc. Use that as a bridge to UCF being a great step toward medical school, which is your ultimate goal.

Also, after growing up in a small town atmosphere I long to attend the 5th largest university in the nation. ,(maybe something like "I grew up in a small town, so I look forward to...the large and diverse population that I will encounter at the 5th largest univeristy in the country)

The modern campus of UCF really appealed to me over the older, more traditional style universities. Since I plan to live on campus, it's important that I feel at home in my living quarters, and the dorms at UCF do just that. I was impressed by the state of the art student living and studying facilities. I plan to live in a dorm...etc)

It would be an honor to get accepted to my "first choice", and I desperately hope that one day I can wear my black and gold around campus proudly. Be more confident. Instead of "I desperately hope" how about something like I look forward to proudly wearing the black and gold.
eliwin   
Sep 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / "my first flight lesson" - Writing a memoir for my composition class [5]

I'm sorry I cannot remember anything about MLA, but here are some thoughts about your content.

Overall, I think it's a cool story.

I think it would help if you said something exciting right away. "My heart was pounding, my blood rushing, I was actually flying" (or something to that affect). Then go back to the more factual part - The summer of 2009 began with ... I expected to spend all of my time in classrooms, learing about .... The way the first paragraph is written now, it isn't clear what causes the pumping blood, etc, until you mention flying in the third paragraph. This is also true in the second paragraph, you could swap the second sentence for the first - "It was the most perfect, crystal clear day. The sun was shining, the winds were calm, a perfect day for my first flight" then go into I arrived and met with my flight instructor...ect. Set up the picture so that the reader can picture themselves in the scene... then watch your story, like a movie. I think that you have the elements there, just rearrange a little. The part from the third paragraph on has a pretty good flow, just needs a little tweaking. The most imortant thing is to make sure that you make the point that you are talking about flying an airplane. As a person that is not a pilot (but has been up in a 172), the language is a little bit technical. Unless you are writing it for another pilot to read, I would try to mix in a few simpler descriptions. Describe the plane itself - I walked up to the Cessna 172, the cabin of which is smaller than a volkswagen beetle... or something like that. Just remember that writing isn't the same as talking, so be careful with the way things are worded (there are a few examples below). Words come across much differently on paper than they would if you were looking at someone and speaking to them.

Though my goal was to just get acclimated - I would go with "just to" or maybe "simply to"

The adrenaline pumping through my veins - " that pumped"

the two-dimensional world I had been familiar with expanded (expanded how?)

I showed up to be greeted by my instructor pilot - I arrived and was greated by my instructor pilot, who was wearing a bright orange jump suit.

You have a really great story and a good start on your essay. Good luck!
eliwin   
Sep 7, 2011
Graduate / "Through education to PA" - CASPA personal narrative for PA program [2]

For my CASPA application: USING YOUR OWN WORDS, in the space provided write a brief statement expressing your motivation or desire to become a physician assistant. *In the essay have the physician's name written in

Thanks for any input!

When I began college at the University of Florida, I did not have a clear career path in mind. As I ventured through my first two semesters, I discovered that I had an interest in studying science. I was fortunate enough to convert that into a baccalaureate degree in Food Science and Human Nutrition. While at UF, I started working in a lab as a technician and enjoyed it so much that I continued to do so for several years after my graduation in 2003. When I decided to enter the medical field, I went back to school to become a Surgical Technologist, and was valedictorian of my class. In 2006, I began working for Dr. B, a private-practice hand surgeon. It was his encouragement and interest in my education that has lead me to becoming a Physician Assistant.

Initially, my understanding of what a Physician Assistant did was limited. My first encounter with a P.A. was during my Surgical Tech externship. The P.A.s that were brought in to assist were able to participate in the surgery, acting as a second set of hands for the surgeon. It seemed to be a great progression from being a Scrub Tech, who is traditionally responsible for instrumentation and only minimally assists the surgeon, to becoming a P.A. who actually gets to participate in the surgery. While working in Dr. B's office I realized the wide array of fields that are available to Physician Assistants. We would receive phone calls from the emergency room P.A.s who had examined patients and were contacting Dr. B for consultations on hand injuries. If the injury was simple enough, he would explain to the P.A. what the proper treatment was, and the P.A. was to carry out the treatment him/herself. I would also encounter patients that came to the office, having been referred by a Physician Assistant who treated them regularly at their General Practitioner's office. The multitude of fields available to P.A.s is just one of the aspects of the job that interests me.

After further researching Physician Assistants, I discovered that P.A.s play a much larger role in the medical field than I had ever anticipated. Most Physicians are overextended, particularly those in general practice, and P.A.s are imperative in helping to maintain a high level of patient satisfaction. As a P.A., I would become an integral part of the medical team, providing patients with the personalized care that they expect and deserve, while allowing the Physician to focus on the more complex injuries and conditions that require the experience and education of a Physician. I want to become a Physician Assistant so that I can take on a higher level of responsibility to both my patients and my Physician. I believe that my current position has provided me with a strong understanding the importance of individual patient care that will serve as groundwork for my continuing education.

Originally, my job duties in Dr. B's office did not include much patient interaction, but as I proved my interest and ability, my responsibilities were expanded to include removing sutures, removing/applying dressings, and fabricating splints and casts. Additionally, I review the patients' medical histories and current symptoms, so that I can provide the doctor with a brief explanation of why the patients are there. As I continued to show interest, Dr. B would review test results with me, explaining what he was looking for. Why it was that some fractures could be treated with immobilization, while others required surgery to heal properly. A patient may have a normal test result, yet surgery is the recommended treatment because the patient's symptoms are affecting his/her activities of daily living. Not only are the patient's signs and symptoms considered, but also what the patient wants, how the patient feels, and what the patient is willing to do to help him/herself through the treatment process. Working with Dr. B has taught me so much about treating patients' as individuals, and not simply injuries or symptoms. This has provided me with a unique perspective on how to provide excellent patient care.

My path toward becoming a P.A. has not been a direct route, but each step along the way has taught me valuable lessons that will be carried with me throughout my career. Working in the research lab taught me patience and the importance of honest and thorough documentation. Going through the Surgical Technology program taught me sterile technique, instrumentation, and hospital staff dynamics. Finally, working in a Physician's office has proven my ability to handle many responsibilities and has provided me with experience in patient interaction. The sum of my experiences is a substantial foundation, but it is my desire to move forward with my education and take on a career that is more challenging and demanding that drives me. I know that, given the opportunity, I will be an excellent Physician Assistant.
eliwin   
Aug 21, 2011
Graduate / Why Physician Assistant? I witnessed my father's own personal struggles with his health. [2]

I like your essay, but I think you are over the character count that CASPA allows in the text field for your narrative essay. Only 5000 characters are allowed (that is letters, spaces, punctuation, etc). Try essayscam.org/count-words-in-text/ to help with your count. Anything that exceeds 5000 will be cut off of the end and your final statement will be missed by the reader.

Good Luck =)
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