"my first flight lesson" - Writing a memoir for my composition class

Dear everyone,

I have been tasked with writing a memoir for my composition class. Being an emotional piece, I am struggling with it and need a little guidance. The assignment instructions seem relatively simple: "Write a memoir about a specific life-changing moment of time in your own personal experience."

I have decided to write about my first flight lesson because that was the first hurdle towards my goal of becoming a pilot. My professor wrote back with the following feedback:

"I love the excitement you display in your middle paragraphs--the emotion is there. I'm not sure what your take away is for the reader--think about why you're telling us about this experience. What's in it for us? Your first and second sentences need to be reversed (fixed this). Put the reader where you want them in place and time, then start telling the story. You have a lot of formatting errors to correct and the paper needs to be put in MLA format (see book). Revise with the reader in mind without losing the excitement and you'll have a successful memoir."

I am not looking for someone to write my paper for me, but I have a very math-oriented brain and am a weak writer. I need a little help on getting a message across and I am also blind to my formatting errors. Before I post my paper, these are the questions I have: Do I include my message in the opening paragraph and then again in the closing? Do I create a new paragraph following the opener to explain why I am telling the story? How do I subtly interject the message?

I spent my summer of 2009 in a classroom preparing myself for the adventure of a lifetime.

For several weeks, I was schooled in the academics of flight. It was a rather lengthy time period for

what seemed to be a simple concept- do not crash. Though my goal was to just get acclimated

with basic principles, I found the imagery and feeling to be much more valuable. My heart pounded,

my blood rushed, and the two-dimensional world I was only familiar with expanded. My first hour

airborne filled me with a lifetime of stirring memories.

It took place in East Taunton on the South coast of Massachusetts just minutes from the

Cape. The day was perfect with ample sunshine, minimal winds, and not a cloud in the sky to

obstruct my flight path to Newport, Rhode Island. I showed up to be greeted by my instructor pilot

decked out in an orange jumpsuit. Together we went over all of the preflight activities, applying the

knowledge I acquired in ground school. As I stepped to the very basic Cessna 172 I would be flying,

I felt my nerves give way to a feeling of excitement. We completed a careful visual inspection to

check the plane for airworthiness. All systems go.

The adrenaline pumping through my veins as I primed the fuel and started the engine up

was enough to kill an elephant. The plane began to roll forward as I was well on my way to logging

my first flight hour. Clenching the yoke, I pulled back to begin our ascent. A sudden rush of

acceleration overtook everything. The plane was lifted up into the air almost effortlessly. I was flying.

My hands tightened their grip, my eyes widened, and my heart rate doubled. I felt the urge to

scream out in excitement. This was the best feeling I have ever experienced.

With New Bedford Regional Airport behind me, there was nothing but sapphire-blue skies

ahead. Below me were the soft and sandy beaches of the New England coastline. Continuing West,

I got a bird's eye view of Sakonnet Point Light House and further to the sprawling rocky cliffs of

Newport, Rhode Island. We circled around to head North over the Newport mansions of the Guilded

Era. The otherwise enormous houses looked so small from the air. There were hundreds of tall

ships sailing casually in the Narragansett Bay as the setting sun glistened off the Atlantic. It was

time to head back, enter the traffic pattern, and conclude my aerial adventure.

It all ended with a normal approach and a simple landing. I began the turn of the base leg

for my descent. The ground was getting closer and closer and my instructor helped me adjust the

attitude for a smooth landing. Bump. Terra Firma. Flaps-identify and retract. Cowl flaps-open.

Propeller control-full increase. Trim tabs-set. I shut the engine down and found myself back in the

two-dimensional world. I had to hold myself back from running up to and hugging my instructor pilot.

I was filled with excitement, accomplishment, and still a little bit of nervousness. Now every time I

see clear blue skies, that flow of emotional bliss comes over me and I am reminded of the first time

I felt truly alive.

I'm sorry I cannot remember anything about MLA, but here are some thoughts about your content.

Overall, I think it's a cool story.

I think it would help if you said something exciting right away. "My heart was pounding, my blood rushing, I was actually flying" (or something to that affect). Then go back to the more factual part - The summer of 2009 began with ... I expected to spend all of my time in classrooms, learing about .... The way the first paragraph is written now, it isn't clear what causes the pumping blood, etc, until you mention flying in the third paragraph. This is also true in the second paragraph, you could swap the second sentence for the first - "It was the most perfect, crystal clear day. The sun was shining, the winds were calm, a perfect day for my first flight" then go into I arrived and met with my flight instructor...ect. Set up the picture so that the reader can picture themselves in the scene... then watch your story, like a movie. I think that you have the elements there, just rearrange a little. The part from the third paragraph on has a pretty good flow, just needs a little tweaking. The most imortant thing is to make sure that you make the point that you are talking about flying an airplane. As a person that is not a pilot (but has been up in a 172), the language is a little bit technical. Unless you are writing it for another pilot to read, I would try to mix in a few simpler descriptions. Describe the plane itself - I walked up to the Cessna 172, the cabin of which is smaller than a volkswagen beetle... or something like that. Just remember that writing isn't the same as talking, so be careful with the way things are worded (there are a few examples below). Words come across much differently on paper than they would if you were looking at someone and speaking to them.

Though my goal was to just get acclimated - I would go with "just to" or maybe "simply to"

The adrenaline pumping through my veins - " that pumped"

the two-dimensional world I had been familiar with expanded (expanded how?)

I showed up to be greeted by my instructor pilot - I arrived and was greated by my instructor pilot, who was wearing a bright orange jump suit.

You have a really great story and a good start on your essay. Good luck!

Thank you for the response! I am still wondering how I am going to add a "takeaway" for the reader. I can elaborate more on my fear and the fact that I had to do this in order to help myself along with my goal, but I am not sure how to add that without forcing it into the paper. Should I just mention it in passing in the opening paragraph and then reiterate in the conclusion?

Yes, leave a takeaway that will cause the reader to be having the thoughts you want her to have. What thoughts do you want her to have? You want her to feel motivated to take action that is favorable to you.


Is that really the best idea to convey? Overcoming fears,as a theme in an essay... it's a little bit cliche.

Oh, actually I was thinking for a moment that this was an admissions essay. Well, even though it is not, you still want to motivate the reader in some way...not just to give you a good grade, but to have a certain kind of experience.

If someone wrote a story that had a theme of overcoming fear, you would say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have already heard stories like this." So you should really dig deep and pull out the gem that is excavated by the writing process. You have a unique insight to share. It may not be the most important thing in the world, but it is unique to your experience.

So, what is that subtle lesson you learned?

Also, try to find places to take out words. It always makes the writing more powerful. For example:
I spent my summer of 2009 in a classroom preparing myself for the adventure of a lifetime.

This is where I really struggle because I find it hard to have a true emotional attachment to things I experience. In all honesty, I just did it because I had to. It gave me a new perspective of the visual world, but making it out to be a new way of looking at everything is also cliché and would be incredibly forced.