Posts by pcareyiv

pcareyiv

Aug 24, 2011

Undergraduate / FEAR - Comm App short answer about extracurricular activities. (1000 maximum) [4]

first off the common app short answer has a word limit of 150 words and a character limit (including spaces and punctation) of 1000. I like your essay but concentrate immediately about your great fear of speaking public and then go to the end of the championship and describe what you did and how you came over that fear. I know it will be hard to cut so much, so you may want to try writing something new for the short answer and using this essay for another part of your college app.

pcareyiv

Aug 21, 2011

Undergraduate / The wackiness of me and my roommate - Stanford supplement roommate essay [3]

Here is a first draft of my Stanford supplement roommate essay, if you could please leave general feedback about the content and structure that would be appreciated. I'm not overly concerned with grammatical errors right now, as this is only a rough draft, but feel free to correct any egregious errors. Thanks!

Dear Roommate,
I have a confession to make. I am somewhat of a nerd. I love everything about technology. If we end up living together for the next several years, we may end up with many of my half-completed projects - a portable NES or a massive toaster made from an old PC tower-- lying around and numerous burns on our carpeting from a dropped soldering iron. Don't worry, I do pick up after myself, so you will not have to worry about stepping on a piece of glass from a broken LCD screen. However, you may have to worry about possibly being woken-up in the middle of the night, because I decided to work on one of those half-completed projects and ended up dropping the soldering iron on my foot causing me to let out a good old-fashioned yelp of pain. If you ask me, politely of course, I can always build something that you want, such as an alarm that flashes bright lights and plays a recording of your mother/father's voice telling you to wake up repeatedly.

I have another confession to make. I am a bit of a fitness freak. I need physical activity, whether it is martial arts, swimming, or jogging around campus several times. I must be active in order to feel healthy and at my fullest potential. One of my personal beliefs is that an active body promotes and active mind. So, I may end up pestering you to get up and do something if you are inactive. Just like with technology, I like to try new physical enterprises; so, I may ask for your assistance in attempting a new acrobatic martial arts move like a butterfly twist kick - you will need to spot me and hopefully will not have to call 911.

I hope I don't seem too zany from this letter. I have the right amount of wackiness in me to keep you entertained and make our time together an adventure. Hopefully, our different personalities and little oddities complement each others' characteristics and we both have a wondrous time at Stanford.

Best Regards,
Patrick Carey

pcareyiv

Aug 21, 2011

Undergraduate / "As founder of Faux Tees.." - Common App, Elaborate on one of your activities. [3]

Your essay is good, I might suggest starting with the creation of Faux Tees, then moving onto "the large yellow bus squeaks..." and then continuing onto the other duties you perform and how you use the money earned. Just so then the essay moves chronologically.

Below I've identified some grammatical errors and some other word suggestions, I put them in paranthesis.

As the large yellow bus squeaks to a stop(,) I climb the steps as I balance 45 t-shirts in my hands, making my way to the few available seats in the back. As founder of Faux Tees, a t-shirt company (that) I started in the 10th grade, this is one of my many duties. (carrying 45 t-shirts to school is one of your duties? make a little clearer about what "this" is.)

Others (lacking a subject, I suggest putting the word "duties" after "other") involve speaking with a sponsor or coach about the theme or slogan they want. After I come up with a basic sketch, I use my Adobe design skills and get the principal to approve the finished product. Then I go to a screen printing business, negotiate a deal, and the t-shirts are made(possibly find a more descriptive verb).

I've (try to avoid using apostrophes, spell out both words if possible) always enjoyed graphics but (I) always figured it was a hobby, until my future Economics teacher asked (me) if I was making a profit, thus Faux Tees was created.

My business has taught me the dignity that hard work gives(delete "gives" and change "that" to "of"); instead of using my money for miscellaneous things, I donate half and pay family bills with the other (half, you need a subject after "other"). Having the power to put(consider the verb "make" instead of "Put") a positive impact on someone's life by doing something (that) I enjoy is one of the greatest things (try to avoid general words like"things" if possible) I've done.