PeachTofu
Sep 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Monster underneath my bed....", an essay dilemma [3]
To me it's fits better with the 2nd prompt. But it's up to you if you want to cut out 200 words or keep it and do prompt 1.
So I read through your essay. I noticed you use a lot of commas and most of your sentences are quite long. It would be good to go through your essay and vary up the sentences by shortening the longer sentences or dividing them into separate sentences.
Here are some changes I think you could make:
I can still recall my initial response to the news; my heart dropped to my stomach, my palms grew sweaty, and every other concern on my mind was erased.
Apparently, the same occurred during my sleep, as nightmares began to haunt me; they all revolved around the idea of my brother's life, and consequently mine, being destroyed by a court order.
Up to this point, I had not confidedbymy fears and distress to anyone. We had a long, emotional talk in the middle of the night where my brother better explained the situation better to me. He was very confident about the situation, and he trusted the judicial system to be fair. He was very calm, serene(these 2 words basically mean the same thing so I would either replace one with a different word or you can just take out one and leave it as: "He was very calm and rational...") , and rational about the situation;, and this was projected directly on to me. From the ordeal, I emerged a stronger, calmer, and more rational person. I also learned how to fight through adversity and ignore, even embrace, stress. While I had no control over the end result of my brother's case, I did have control over making him proud through my educational accomplishments;, and that is what I kept my focus on. In the end, after a laborious legal process, the situation was resolved. My brother is now a legal citizen of the United States.
Nevertheless, while my fears were resolved, I'm not completely detached from them. I still hold them close to me, and they allow me to relate to others in a similar situation.
To me it's fits better with the 2nd prompt. But it's up to you if you want to cut out 200 words or keep it and do prompt 1.
So I read through your essay. I noticed you use a lot of commas and most of your sentences are quite long. It would be good to go through your essay and vary up the sentences by shortening the longer sentences or dividing them into separate sentences.
Here are some changes I think you could make:
I can still recall my initial response to the news; my heart dropped to my stomach, my palms grew sweaty, and every other concern on my mind was erased.
Apparently, the same occurred during my sleep, as nightmares began to haunt me; they all revolved around the idea of my brother's life, and consequently mine, being destroyed by a court order.
Up to this point, I had not confided
Nevertheless, while my fears were resolved, I'm not completely detached from them. I still hold them close to me