I have a bit of a dilemma with this essay. It's for Questbridge, and I think it could fit into either of 2 prompts. Here they are:
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit) *
or
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit) *
And here is the essay:
The monster underneath my bed was not the Boogeyman. Monsters, vampires, and sadistic clowns were not the inhabitants of my nightmares. While most kids grow up fearing fictional characters and mythical beings, I grew up fearing deportation. The monster underneath my bed was a deportation order, and the INS was the entity constantly inhabiting my nightmares. Unlike the Boogeyman and monsters, my fears were a realistic threat; not the type to simply grow out of. At one point, before becoming a legal citizen, my brother had an order of deportation to his name. The order arose as a result of negligence from the service that helped fill out his paperwork. The mistake they made was simple, but the ramifications were not; if the court did not approve of his appeal, my brother would have to leave the country, along with his dreams. The idea of losing my brother and his life being destroyed was debilitating; he was my role model and it was his perseverance that to this day inspires and motivates me. The pure thought of losing him shook me with fear. I can still recall my initial response to the news: my heart dropped to my stomach, my palms grew sweaty, and every other concern on my mind was erased. Between my freshman year in high school and the possibility of losing my brother, it was the most stressful time of my life. In school, I initially lost focus, as many different scenarios played out in my head throughout the day. Apparently, the same occurred during my sleep, as nightmares began to haunt me, and they all revolved around the idea of my brother's life, and consequently mine, being destroyed by a court order. The stress dominated my life for some time through the reoccurring nightmares, constant pondering of scenarios, and loss of focus during everyday activities. Ironically, the nightmares lead to serenity. Since my brother would stay in my room when visiting, it was easy for him to be awakened by my heaving, panting, and sweating after one of the many nightmares. Up to this point, I had not confided by fears and distress to anyone. We had a long, emotional talk in the middle of the night where my brother better explained the situation to me. He was very confident about the situation, and he trusted the judicial system to be fair. He was very calm, serene, and rational about the situation, and this was projected directly on to me. From the ordeal, I emerged a stronger, calmer, more rational person. I also learned how to fight through adversity and ignore, even embrace, stress. While I had no control over the end result of my brother's case, I did have control over making him proud through my educational accomplishments, and that is what I kept my focus on. In the end, after a laborious legal process, the situation was resolved. My brother is now a legal citizen of the United States.
Nevertheless, while my fears were resolved, I'm not completely detached from them. I still hold them close to me, and they allow me to relate to others in a similar situation. The empathy that emerged as a result of my personal experiences with the INS inspires me to contribute to the system which proved to be fair and rational, the American judicial system, and to be specific, the immigration branch. Although my family has been able to settle down in America in search of prosperity, and while the fear of deportation is no longer existent in my immediate reality, it is a reality to many out there in a similar situation to the one I was once in. There are still kids out there who lay awake at night due to fear, not fear of the dark, or fear of a ghost, but fear that their whole life may be completely revolutionized out of no fault of their own. Thankfully, I have the intellectual means and hopefully I'll have the educational resources at my disposal to be in a position to help others.
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What do you guys think? Personally, I think it fits the 2nd prompt more, but it would be more convenient if I sent it for the first prompt. Also, I'd have to cut it down by about 200 words if I were to do it for the 2nd prompt.
Also, please critique and revise! I'll be glad to return the favor.
To me it's fits better with the 2nd prompt. But it's up to you if you want to cut out 200 words or keep it and do prompt 1.
So I read through your essay. I noticed you use a lot of commas and most of your sentences are quite long. It would be good to go through your essay and vary up the sentences by shortening the longer sentences or dividing them into separate sentences.
Here are some changes I think you could make:
I can still recall my initial response to the news; my heart dropped to my stomach, my palms grew sweaty, and every other concern on my mind was erased.
Apparently, the same occurred during my sleep, as nightmares began to haunt me; they all revolved around the idea of my brother's life, and consequently mine, being destroyed by a court order.
Up to this point, I had not confided bymy fears and distress to anyone. We had a long, emotional talk in the middle of the night where my brother better explained the situation better to me. He was very confident about the situation, and he trusted the judicial system to be fair. He was very calm, serene(these 2 words basically mean the same thing so I would either replace one with a different word or you can just take out one and leave it as: "He was very calm and rational...") , and rational about the situation;, and this was projected directly on to me. From the ordeal, I emerged a stronger, calmer, and more rational person. I also learned how to fight through adversity and ignore, even embrace, stress. While I had no control over the end result of my brother's case, I did have control over making him proud through my educational accomplishments;, and that is what I kept my focus on. In the end, after a laborious legal process, the situation was resolved. My brother is now a legal citizen of the United States.
Nevertheless, while my fears were resolved, I'm not completely detached from them. I still hold them close to me, and they allow me to relate to others in a similar situation.
