Undergraduate / 'my homeland, Korea,' the world you come from, your family, community or school [3]

In the first paragraph, you specifically indicated your previous goal - "my dream career was a dentist, a job that brings wealth."
But after concentrating on your story in the body paragraphs, you didn't elaborate on your "definite goal."
I think you should tell more about your new goal and how the experience has shaped it.

As a Korean, I'm really sorry about what happened to you and your family.
I'm glad that you have overcome the hardship.
Good luck!