Undergraduate / 'born of Chinese descent to major in Chinese' - UC transfer applications [5]

Since then, I have decided that I would like to major in Chinese so that I can learn more about this fast developing country so that I canand teach it to the future generations.

This is a nice passage and I must agree with doodler.

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

I decided not to post my final copy on here. I feel like it should not be given to the public because I will want to use it for my UC application.

I will be happy to send you an email if you give me your email address.

Thanks for all the help!

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

Edited:
"My life changed because of one thing - I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. My world changed. My character was full of screaming so that I could hear myself. I was drawn to a crazy world, a world of silence. I felt as if I was the only person born. Life was boring and the world seemed pointless. But there was one thing in this world that I lacked, something that even now remains to bring pleasure to my world."

From there I plan on writing the story and include details in it.

I think I should do it that way because it's gonna keep ones attention in that they will want to try to figure out what I lacked.

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

I don't know what exactly you are suggesting there.

"My life changed because of one thing - I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. My world changed. My personality was full of screaming so that I could hear myself. I was drawn to a crazy world, a world of silence. But even this happened for a reason, a reason for me to feel joyful."

I removed "My mother part" to keep the focus on my self.

I think I should replace personality with another word. Like I said I don't have the best vocabulary skills. To actually describe well, good vocabulary is needed. That's how I think at least. I always feel like I'm missing something or it does not sound right.

Replace personality with character?

I will be happy if you can reply often right now because my essay is due tomorrow for English class where we are practicing and this one is supposed to be final.

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

Edited first paragraph:
"My life changed because of one thing - I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. My world changed. My personality was full of screaming so that I could hear myself. My mother always got mad at me and for almost no reason at all. I was drawn to a crazy world, a world of silence. But even this happened for a reason, a reason for me to feel joyful."

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

I must agree.

But how can I do more showing than telling?

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

To me it does not seem to sound right. It sounds more like a story than a description of my world so I posted here to ask how this answers the question.

Maybe I can add details and describe things in this same exact story that I wrote that make it answer the question and make it sound descriptive.

Or should I start again from scratch?

I am not the best with vocabulary and sensory details, so it may be a little difficult for me.

Undergraduate / 'permanent disabilities' - Describe the world you come from... [11]

I added a little bit of ending:

Many people in this world are suffering from permanent disabilities. This is how my life became- I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. A few months later I was ordered by my doctor to wear a pair of hearing aids, something that did not seem very appealing to me. When I was 5 years of age, I wore hearing aids every day to school and did not feel very happy.

During the first year of elementary school I had trouble with communication even with the help of hearing aids. I hated wearing them and always felt isolated. On the second year of elementary school, my doctor introduced me to a wireless device that works together with hearing aids, a receiver. The receiver helped me improve a lot with communication because I was able to hear every word spoken to the microphone. It was not until then that I began to appreciate the world of technology. The looks of hearing aids did not bother me anymore, but technology bothered me a lot. I began gaining interest in technology and how it works. I even performed a few simple projects involving electricity.

When I got to high school, I chose my dream career of electrical engineering with the thought of improving hearing aids as a future career goal. Engineering courses in high school required a high level of communication and I was able to cope with the help of advanced digital hearing aids. Other students seemed shocked and my teachers were impressed with my skill level of communication. It is something I now love to do.

Ultimately, the world that I come from shaped me with a feeling of advancing technology a step further. This is something that blends with good communication skills that I got because of technology itself. It is because of the need for hearing aids ever since I lost my hearing that I appreciate technology and want to dedicate myself into electrical engineering.