Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by szheng
Joined: Oct 5, 2011
Last Post: Oct 26, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
szheng   
Oct 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Destroy it. I was raised in a family that was essentially built on nothing. [2]

Destroy it. I struggled with what to write, but somehow I managed to pull this out of my ass. Critique my grammar, the idea, just everything.

I was raised in a family that was essentially built on nothing. My family had emigrated from Fuzhou, China, a large trading region in south east China. My father often described the city he grew up in as an empty waste land full of mountains and wild animals wandering the streets. He always told me that people that came from this region had exceptional business minds and had left to become successful entrepreneurs and leaders in the business field. I never doubted my father's words, because he was living proof.

My father's words are my biggest influence on my ambition in business. However, they are not an influence on my personal passion of business. Before I had even become of legal age to obtain a job, I was already determined to gain as much experience as I could. However, unlike my ancestors, I would not be doing odd jobs or opening small restaurants. Also, I did not spend my time babysitting or mowing my neighbor's lawns, like others my age. Instead, I used my connections with my close friends. I got my first unofficial job at a logistics company, called BTX, when I was fourteen years old. I worked every summer and often on weekends, observing the business that was going on around me in the office. This was only the first step to what I consider the infinite staircase of my life.

I would continue to search for more opportunities that would further my knowledge and exercise my passion for business. However, my first real job was nothing less than a rude awakening. I had searched long and hard on the internet, in newspapers, and family friends for work. Finally, I had secured an entry level job as an ice cream technician* at Carvel in Westport through a family friend. I was prepared to show them my talent for business and management. Instead, the boss handed me a scooper and rag and told me to get to work. I was "in charge" of everything, but nothing at the same time. And I still made minimum wage. I had come to the realization that no sane employer would hire a teenage student to do anything that actually mattered in a business. And so I knew what I had to do.

I had my mind set on getting into a competitive educational environment that would prepare me for my future. This is why the Charles H. Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences at Cornell University is my top choice. This is the next step that I must take in order to further my own development and prepare for the real world of business.

* not sure what an accurate title of my job would be
szheng   
Oct 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the wonderful lady I call my mother' - Who was your influence? Essay - Common App [4]

I think that this could work, but I'd be careful, because the topic is "a person" and its clear that your father plays a large role, too. Its nice to have a backdrop for your essay, but I'd say try getting straight to the point faster. Also, you focus a lot on how much your mom suffered and did for you, but how exactly does that influence you and your outlook.
szheng   
Oct 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'Only formal examinations,written or practical, can examine knowledge' IELTS [3]

Today,the science and technology industry is developing rapidly. On the other hand, population is increasing more than in the past, because diseases that cauesed death are being cured.

The increasing population provides new talents which need to be discovered. The only way to discover these talents is to conduct formal examinations and projects. Assessments like these are designed to test a students ability.

I corrected the first couple of sentences for you, since there are way too many errors in this. I think you should re read it yourself and make sure it makes sense before you ask other people to help you.
szheng   
Oct 5, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Manage a company, America and China' - College of Agriculture and Life Sciences [3]

College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?

Just some of my ideas:
Co manager at an ice cream shop where I was essentially the boss, taking care of all tasks on the regular basis.
My fathers restaurants, partnership in an international fishing company, and landlord of commercial and multifamily buildings.
My own desire to manage a company that will allow me to bring myself back to my parents old country of China and connect business between America and China. (very vague idea)

The question doesn't ask me specifically why Dyson is the right place for me, because of these influences and experiences, but I want to include that. However, I really dont know how to connect all of these things together. And honestly, I dont even know myslef why Cornells AEM program is something that I'm so set on. I just know I am.

Sorry, I really dont have a lot to start with. I'd be thankful for any help or ideas I can get. Thanks.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳