RockyFinn
Oct 11, 2011
Undergraduate / 'interested in aero space technology' - Purdue University essay [3]
First, "Since I was a child, I have been interested in aero space technology." aerospace is a word, not two. "I've bought lot of books on the universe and the space technologies that humankind has developed." Generally, people don't begin a sentence with "but." A lot of writers do that, but teachers will always correct the using of "but" to start a sentence.
"And I reluctantly went to tour." You don't need the "and" here, it makes the logic kinda weird.
There is a thing called "show, don't tell." You need to express how the rocket imspired you rather than saying "I was so touched and inspired by this real Saturn rocket in front of me."
"I choose to go to the Purdue university, not only because, Neil Armstrong is from this university," You don't need the comma.
You described a lot of details about the NASA but you also need to really make one point stand out. This point has to be unique. This is why you want to study aerospace. You reason for studying aerospace is fine, but i think you might do better if you dig deeper into yourself and ask yourself why do you want to study aerospace. I bet there are reasons besides sending Japanese to the moon. Maybe you want to prove some theory, maybe you want to chanllenge some fact. I don't know... Anything that is interest that will make the admissions officer in Purdue think that you are the next Neil Armstrong.
First, "Since I was a child, I have been interested in aero space technology." aerospace is a word, not two. "I've bought lot of books on the universe and the space technologies that humankind has developed." Generally, people don't begin a sentence with "but." A lot of writers do that, but teachers will always correct the using of "but" to start a sentence.
"And I reluctantly went to tour." You don't need the "and" here, it makes the logic kinda weird.
There is a thing called "show, don't tell." You need to express how the rocket imspired you rather than saying "I was so touched and inspired by this real Saturn rocket in front of me."
"I choose to go to the Purdue university, not only because, Neil Armstrong is from this university," You don't need the comma.
You described a lot of details about the NASA but you also need to really make one point stand out. This point has to be unique. This is why you want to study aerospace. You reason for studying aerospace is fine, but i think you might do better if you dig deeper into yourself and ask yourself why do you want to study aerospace. I bet there are reasons besides sending Japanese to the moon. Maybe you want to prove some theory, maybe you want to chanllenge some fact. I don't know... Anything that is interest that will make the admissions officer in Purdue think that you are the next Neil Armstrong.
