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Posts by disaznboii19148
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Last Post: Oct 30, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 4
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disaznboii19148   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / veterinary medicine -VT Essay - the five top reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech [5]

The college is less than two hours from my home, and, since I am the youngest of seven children, being close is vital for their peace of mind. However, I will be leaving my family here and creating a new one in Blacksburg, Virginia. When I attended the football game between Virginia Tech and Miami this fall, the feeling of belonging with thousands of other people was overwhelming.

I don't really like the first sentence; it makes it sound like you're going somewhere close because your family wants that. Try rewording it or omitting it altogether.
disaznboii19148   
Oct 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the day we become silent about things that matter' - Penn Supplement [3]

Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

-----"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." This quote, by none other than the famous Martin Luther King Jr., perfectly explains the importance it is to care about what is happening in the world, and this is the manner in which I live my life by. How can a person truly be living their life if that person does not stand up for what they believe in? Everyday, I wake up in the morning, when it is still dark out, and prepare myself for another day of school and work. Even though I could skip school and play video games, I persevere, knowing that going to school is important to my future and I do not let these opportunities pass by quietly. Just as Martin Luther King Jr. knew what was important and voiced his opinions, I, too, know what is important and I will not simply be quiet on the important things in life.
disaznboii19148   
Oct 19, 2011
Writing Feedback / Let's Marry! - issues of fake marriage in the immigration system [2]

This is what I would personally do in order to improve flow and grammar. There is one major
problem I see though; you have way too many periods and short sentences. It doesn't give a
good feel when you read it :(
Try connecting some sentences and using more transitional phrases like:
In Addition,
Nevertheless,
However,
On the contrary,
etcetc
disaznboii19148   
Oct 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to wonder how things work' - University of Pennsylvania Supplement [2]

Hopes and Goals

----- Since my earliest childhood memories, my curiosity has always led me to wonder how things work. Whether it was a car or a kitchen appliance or a refrigerator, my interest always sparked when I observed the mystery of how machines operate. This is why I have decided to apply to the prestigious School of Engineering and Applied Sciences at the University of Pennsylvania. Discovering new things has always been important to me and, at the University of Pennsylvania, I hope to nurture my thirst for knowledge, learning new things about myself and the world around me.

----- Several of my close friends attend the University of Pennsylvania and I, too, hope to be a part of the unique atmosphere of Penn that makes it the amazing place it is. Culture is very important to me, and sharing cultures is no problem with the diversity boasted by Penn. I hope to learn new things from people of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs. Too often are communities segregated from other people because of minor differences. Without diversity and change, one cannot hope to gain new insight on the world. Understanding other cultures is very important to learning and contributing to a better world, free of prejudice.

----- I hope to not only gain new insights, but I also want to prove to others that I am a capable young man that will stop at nothing to succeed. I want to contribute to the diversity at the University of Pennsylvania by being informative to others of my Chinese heritage which includes its vast history and diverse culture. In addition, I also hope to introduce people to one of my favorite hobbies, dance. Dancing is a passion for me; it helps in forgetting the troubles of the day and to relax. Many people often see dancing on television and do not have a second thought about it, but I hope to show many of my future friends and classmates of the many benefits of dance. I believe that this will have significantly positive effect on the lives of many people as it did mine.

----- Learning is of vital importance to me, and at the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences, I hope to discover a new world viewed through the lens of modern technology and the wonders not known to the everyday person. With the excellent engineering school at penn, one day I myself may be contributing to society with machines that could very well make life easier for those who are burdened with the troubles of daily life. It is this sense of helping the average person that drives me to continue with my studies.

----- My parents would always tell me how harsh life was in poverty back in China. They would always say to me that they take care of me so that one day I can do the same for them. That is why I have always wanted to succeed in life and ever since I was a child, it was my dream to be a part of Penn's community. Penn serves a door which leads to a future where I can help my family and make society a better place at the same time.
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