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Posts by coexistential
Joined: Oct 22, 2011
Last Post: Oct 24, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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coexistential   
Oct 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'THE CLUCK-IT LIST' - U-Chicago - Something You Found When You Weren't Looking For It [2]

THE CLUCK-IT LIST

I found her where we always sat, at the corner bench in the courtyard. Half the table always in shadow, the other half bathed in sunlight-just like us, hidden in plain sight.

We were the forgotten nerds of RHS. Cliché, right? At times, it was down right embarrassing, like when kids from grade school forgot our names, nevertheless, most of the time, it was worth it. We lived efficiently: working hard while deftly avoiding drama (and we're talking high school here).

"We're not special anymore," I announced, slapping a fire truck font emblazoned sheet on top of Emily's Anatomy and Physiology text.

"And this? This list is going to make us special? If anything it'll get us in trouble..." She murmured warily, her eyes absorbing our step-by-step instructions to the good life.

THE CLUCK-IT LIST

The nonsensical name aptly described the list: irrational-senseless at best. From visiting a cemetery at midnight with an Ouija Board to wearing embarrassing clothes in the Big Apple, the list compiled thirty of the most impractical tasks. And we only had three months.

"No. It'll make us clucking sensational."

Thirty Xs and ninety months later, Emily and I weren't exactly "clucking sensational". We still spent more time on homework than with friends and cracked chemistry puns whenever the opportunity arose.

I still found her where we always sat, at the shadiest and sunniest bench in the courtyard. But with us sat several new faces. 'The Cluck-It List' caught Taylor, Katie, Mia and David's interest. We met Alena as we let loose at Homecoming, and Sarah and Shannen at our weekly yoga classes. Karis lent us her old theater clothes, while Paul taught us how to sneak out of a strict Asian household and Dan gave us directions to the nearest cemetery.

Half of us in the sun, the rest in the shadow, we sat close enough to interact with other friends, but far enough away to peacefully cram for our last exams. We were still the nerds of RHS.

But we were no longer forgotten. Cluck-It had, subconsciously, stripped us of our shells and taught us how to live lightheartedly.
coexistential   
Oct 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Special Friends program' - Common App- Extracurricular Activity [2]

This is extremely well-put together and powerful but I think your intro could be made a little bit more interesting. The rest of the short answer is solid, but the intro is lacking in the voice that fills the rest of the response.
coexistential   
Oct 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Evaluate a risk you have taken (asking a girl to a dance): CommonApp Prompt [7]

I like your essay! I can relate to it so much :D.

And not to quote the most hated line, but you need to "show, not tell" a bit more. The basic constructs for the essay are good, you just need to put a part of you inside.

Also, I think the intro and conclusion could be made more concrete.
coexistential   
Oct 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Our world is failing the future' - International Issue of Personal Concern [4]

Every great dream arises from a single, profound thought. My thought took root at age eight when I first witnessed a child begging: Why?

That thought led me over 8,000 miles of jetlag and unpalatable airplane chow to the bustling planes of Siruvani, India. I was on a quest to understand and assist the children of this world who, for some reason, could never live as I did; I had traveled halfway across the world to teach impoverished children with the hope that, in return, they would help me comprehend.

But my students were wary. They were hesitant to approach their new English "Ma'am". To them I was a foreigner; someone with a fairytale life. They knew. They knew I would never wholly understand.

Yet how could I? With my privileged life of iPhones and shopping sprees, how could I ever comprehend the implications of tattered uniforms and calloused feet; of books blackened by government censorship? How would I understand a life of hardship; a life of shattered dreams; the only life they had ever known?

I couldn't. But I could reveal to them the only life I had ever known. Every day we munched on various toffees, ranging from Choco-Rockos to jalebis, and played hangman until our stomachs ached from a dangerous overload of sugar and laughter.

I had, unknowingly, found the quickest path to their little hearts and, in time, they confided in me.

They spoke to me.

They spoke of dreams.

Ten year old Karate superstar, Kowsik, wishes to become a police officer that "arrests rowdies"-just like they do in the movies. And little Soumya aspires of becoming a doctor who "cures for free". Brainiac Nivedha wants to "spread good values" through teaching, and class-clown Shyam just yearns to "drive".

Each student of mine yearned of leaving a unique stamp on this world-of changing it for the better. In a way, we were one in the same. And in many more ways, they were so much greater. But, for one morally insignificant reason, they were less.

Resources.

Kowsik could never afford police academy and Soumya can barely meet Om Shakti's tuition. Pradeepan can't even puchase his own uniform.

They all have dreams. They all have boundless potential. But our world is failing them. Our world is failing, with alarming regularity, to facilitate these kids' dreams.

Our world is debilitating its own future.

Every child dreams of reaching the stars. Before Siruvani, I dreamt of understanding why not all kids could. Now, I dream of creating an environment where all children can not only dream of reaching the stars, but grab those little suckers too.

Thank you so much for the advice! Could you help me with making the "Each student of mine" paragraph a bit more clear, I'm a bit lost on how to do that without diluting the message of that paragraph.

Also, do you believe I am answering the prompt well? I've been a bit worried that my attachment to this issue might have led me off on tangents.
coexistential   
Oct 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Our world is failing the future' - International Issue of Personal Concern [4]

Every great dream arises from the force of a single, profound thought. My thought took root at age eight when I, for the first time, witnessed a child begging: Why?

Ten years later, I finally set foot in Siruvani, India. From my initial thought there had flowered a grand quest to understand and assist the children of this world, who for some reason, could not live as I did. I was to teach the children of rural India, and in return I could attempt to comprehend.

But how could I? With my privileged life of iPhones and shopping sprees, how could I even comprehend the implications of tattered uniforms and calloused feet; of books blackened by government censorship? How would I ever understand a life of hardship; a life of shattered dreams; the only life they had ever known?

I couldn't. But I could reveal to them the only life I had ever known. Every day we munched on various confectionaries, ranging from Choco-Rockos to jalebis, and played hangman until our stomachs ached from a dangerous overload of sugar and laughter.

I had unknowingly found the quickest path to their little hearts.

The children soon realized that I left behind my developed nation oasis-that I chose to venture into the humid contours of Siruvani. They saw I only wished to help.

They spoke to me.

They spoke of dreams.

Ten year old Karate superstar, Kowsik, wishes to become a police officer that "arrests rowdies"-just like they do in the movies. And little Soumya aspires of becoming a doctor who "cures for free". Brainiac Nivedha wants to "spread good values" through teaching, and class-clown Shyam just yearns to "drive".

Each student of mine yearned of leaving a unique stamp on this world-of changing it for the better. In a way, we were one in the same. And in many more ways, they were so much greater. But, for one morally insignificant reason, they were less. Resources.

Kowsik could never afford police academy and Soumya can barely meet Om Shakti's tuition. Pradeepan can't even pay for his own uniform.

They all have dreams. They all have boundless potential. But our world is failing them.

Our world is failing to look past petty political rivalries and take notice of these children. Our world is failing, with alarming regularity, to facilitate dreams.

Our world is failing the future.

Every child dreams of reaching the stars. Before Siruvani, I dreamed of understanding why not all attained them. Now, I dream of creating an environment where all children are rendered capable of grabbing those shimmering stars too.

Any and all criticism/advice is appreciated! I'm doubling this for my Georgetown EA app as well o.O
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