Growing up an Indian American has meant coming to accept a few things. My accented Telegu will always evoke a few laughs from my grandparents. A large steam-cooker full of rice will most likely occupy the center of the dinner table. And no matter what, high expectations will accompany education. Amongst all other traditions and values my parents imparted, an uncompromised focus on education was the single drive force that transcended everything. In this uncompromising credence arose my most challenging personal obstacle.
To my family, the one cultural aspect of the United States that most vividly contrasted India has always seemed to be high school dating. More importantly, dating was the one accepted and even expected American identity that most ominously stood to threaten academic rigor. My parents made no effort to conceal this conviction. Perhaps the most common running joke to frequent our dinner conversations was the absurdity of relationships my parents' colleagues would discuss. I would half-heartedly join in by offering my ingrained laugh, while ridiculing the obvious folly of these immature, unfocused teenagers. And that would be it, period.
Late one night in the September of my senior year, as I sat down for an essay date with my laptop, my phone began to vibrate. I ignored it convinced I could get a few words out if I just focused. A couple of minutes passed before bzzz, bzzz, bzzz! Finally I succumbed, irritated nonetheless, and picked it up. From the other end one of my best friends began speak "It's senior year; if you like someone, you've got to ask her to homecoming!" After repeating herself, she hung up leaving me alone to a sudden onslaught of thoughts. No matter what I said around my parents, I was your regular high school guy and had thought about asking a girl I liked, but never until this moment had the thought of asking her seemed even remotely tangible. As I sat in my seat, gazing at the bedroom wall, I experienced a sudden moment of clarity. In that instant for better or for worse I made a decision, one that I promised myself I wouldn't go back on no matter what the implications.
The next day I asked the girl to homecoming and she said yes! I drove home ecstatic, my heart racing as an adrenaline rush threatened to make me explode and then it hit me that I would have to face my parents. In an instant my indescribable joy was replaced by a shock for what I had done; in one day I had shattered a mutual understanding our family had vehemently upheld all these years. The conversation that evening wasn't quite pleasant but my parents were more receptive than I had believed. My actions had taken them aback but after a long discussion we came to accept one anothers intentions. That night I realized that the values I had grown up living could coexist with those that defined my daily life. Education remains and always will be a significant focus, but ...?
I'll never forget my senior year homecoming dance.
I know there are holes in the conclusion but do you believe the essay answers the prompt and is good? And what major revisions do you suggest?
After repeating herself, she hung up insert some sort of break here leaving me alone to a sudden onslaught of thoughts.
this sentence is good but the way you wrote it sounds kind of awkward: my heart racing as an adrenaline rush threatened to make me explode and then it hit me that I would have to face my parents.
Besides that, this essay is amazing :).
Im sure youll be accepted to wherever you're applying to!
The phone thing sounds artificial! Need to work on that in my opinion.
Hello, Sanjay! I think your essay is very well-organized.
However, I think it can be improved if you develop the story a little bit slowly.
And I do think your conclusion is kind of week. You can elaborate on your conclusion by adding more details.
Good luck!
To be honest I don't see anything you could improve on! that's great :D good luck!!!!!!!!!
thanks for all the advice guys! ill work on implementing some of the ideas and fixing up the tough spots.
specifically @callmeapple ill work on making the phone thing seem more realistic but its actually completely true. i didnt make up anything for this essay
thanks again everyone!
I like your essay! I can relate to it so much :D.
And not to quote the most hated line, but you need to "show, not tell" a bit more. The basic constructs for the essay are good, you just need to put a part of you inside.
Also, I think the intro and conclusion could be made more concrete.
