Undergraduate / 'a miraculous religious discovery' - Common App -Most Influential Person [4]

You're very welcome. And yeah about the title, you don't have to have one.

Undergraduate / 'a miraculous religious discovery' - Common App -Most Influential Person [4]

Never would I have thought that the person who has impacted me the most in life, would be someone I'll never get to know. I couldn't tell you what he did in his free time, wouldn't recognize his voice, and I don't even know what his personality was like. Yet this man effectively changed my life within 30 minutes. This seems like an impossible feat but for someone to completely understand this profound effect, he or she has to be in my shoes the night I encountered Jon Gesner.

The rain this particular night was the type of cold, heavy precipitation that makes people run indoors and drive well below the speed limit. Despite the hurricane-like conditions, my friend and I were driving that night. It was routine for him to be driving us to a friend's house to hang out. It was within an instant that our travels came to a halt. I got that instinctive knot in my stomach that everyone gets at the sight of somebody slamming on their breaks. The combination of the far distance and torrential downpour prevented me from seeing what happened up ahead.

Wow! I really like your essay! It is indeed very impressive and thoughtful! Well I guess I couldn't give much advice on grammar or something, as I'm not good at it anyway, but it seems to me that it's a little bit long. It's like, uh, over 800 word? I remember that there's a word limit thing for common essay, what is it? 500 words?

It's not that long essays are not good, but perhaps being more effective and succinct is better. For example, readers may not have the patience to read all that jazz about the weather or the routine for your friend to be driving you to a friend's house or the fact that he is your best friend. It seems, uh, a little bit irrelevant. Okay at least the routine part seems irrelevant, you can keep the weather part. Readers doesn't to have know that you were driving to a friend's place to hang out to understand your story and your theme, and they just need to know that you were in a car and what you witnessed. I myself tend to overwrite a lot, too. LOL

Alright that's just some of my thoughts, hope it helps. I think it will be better if you cut some sentences, or maybe it's just me, LOL. Just ignore me if you don't like it, haha. I tend to be a little harsh sometimes. Sorry for that, mate. Good luck with everything!

Writing Feedback / Family Tree Essay- Introduction [4]

You're very welcome. I'm asking because you are actually posting a course work essay here in the undergraduate admission section, but guess that doesn't hurt much. BTW, this is also my first post here. Good luck with everything!

Undergraduate / 'not only in distance but also in relationship' - Stanford roommate letter [3]

Yeah, I agree with Capriciousprite here. The essay is a little bit too generic. You should be more specific. Perhaps with more examples or details to support your ideas instead of one general sentence? For instance, "I might speak Vietnamese and you won't understand." When would you speak Vietnamese and why? Because you really miss your homeland or does it is just naturally or randomly pop out of your mouth? And I don't think "you won't understand" is a good thing to put here, because it sounds a little bit rude to me. Or perhaps it's just me.

Anyway, try not to write too many aspects as they tend to split the readers' attention and confuse them. Perhaps focusing on one or two of your outstanding qualities would be better. Good luck with everything!

Writing Feedback / Family Tree Essay- Introduction [4]

Families are unique: they can be prodigious or meager. Some families have characteristics that make them irregular, while some that make them typical. Many families can be traced back to their inception, t he place that it all began. This method of discovering is called genealogy, a line of work where one discovers the predecessors of his or her family tree. This process can be very stressful and strenuous at times, involving many dead ends, and manypossibly disappointments. However, in the end after it all plays out, it is well worth it.

I scratched "Some families have characteristics that make them irregular, while some that make them typical." because you said in the first sentence that families are unique, and guess "typical" isn't suitable here. Maybe you can try some characteristics? And perhaps put some more antonyms after prodigious and meager?

Anyway, it's just my thoughts. LOL.
BTW, I suppose that this is undergraduate admission discussion here?