Posts by essaygirl1

essaygirl1

Oct 22, 2011

Undergraduate / Why Engineering? For multiple colleges (John Hopkins, Michigan, and Illinois) [4]

The essay flows nicely, but I feel it is abstract. I agree with the person above that you need to mention the type of engineering; I feel it will force you to be more specific. You mention how different things function. Hopkins would be more impressed if you give some examples instead of being generic. Good job, though!

essaygirl1

Oct 22, 2011

Undergraduate / Stanford essays - What matters to you (service), Letter (list), Experience (enzymes) [4]

Here are some suggestions for revision mostly for conciseness

Mr. Carlton's sarcasm still rings in my ears.
As of now, nothing can produce eternal life.
But this struck me in a memorable way.
Although my class had be studying many interesting topics within Microbology, I found enzymes most intriguing.
I developed an instant fixation for enzymes.

I appreciate your topic of choice for the first supplemental essay; I love biology as well, my first of many drafts for my essay was an analogy to globular proteins. You could most improve is brevity, which will come with revision. Remember, structure determines function, haha!

For your second essay I feel you use most of the limited space with unneccessary filler info like: Instead of writing you a formal letter about the many quirks of my personality, I have decided to do what I do best in stressful situations, and make a list. This is my personal list, and I hope it will help you to get a better picture of who I am. and now that that's out of the way.

If you discuss more about yourself leading up to the list, or add more depth to the list and reveal more of your personality the essay would be more effective. Show rather than tell. Also, I feel the essay could be more formal. The essay is unique in its medium, (a list), but needs improvement in its approach.

I just glanced at the third essay, but it looks pretty good as far as content is concerned.

You have great ideas, good luck with Stanford!

essaygirl1

Oct 22, 2011

Undergraduate / 'The Art of Bone' - common app [2]

Hello, this is my first time posting. I would love some feedback with regards to flow, grammar, transitions, organization, etc. I wrote this essay last Saturday after starting over four times; at first, the essay was 568, but I was able to cut it to 498. I want to make sure I didn't lose any meaning and that I don't have to many simple sentence; I feel like there are a lot because of the dialogue. Also, do you think this essay is sufficient for a school like Johns Hopkins? Thanks.

The Art of Bone
One bowl of homemade paper-mache, one newspaper, one roll of masking tape, one pair of women's stockings, and thirty-six AP European History essay's sit before me. After I tear all but one essay to shreds, I realize no. 36-The Civilization essay, the last I wrote, the only unfinished, has to remain whole.

"While writing an essay, I leaned on my elbow. It slid, twisted, and positioned itself beneath my body, between my mattress and my back," I would tell my teacher and doctor.

My left elbow, the lever to shifting and vibrating on my violin, the prime mover while lifting weights, and the co-commander of my keyboard, let me down two days before a ceremonious string of AP tests.

Thursday, AP European History, "Alana, don't worry about finishing the essay. I know you're in a lot of pain, but I have to say in all my years of teaching, I've never had a student injure herself, while doing homework," exclaimed Mrs. Funk in disbelief. "Please tell the class how you did that," she suggested.

"Well...I sort of tweaked my elbow while writing the essay," I announced. My classmates chuckled in epiphany and beamed in admiration; I couldn't resist joining in.

Friday, Dr. Brigham's office: "I wrote an essay, while I laid in a reclined position, when my elbow joint slid and twisted, embellishing itself as tennis ball in the midst of three-way traffic, a humerus, ulna, and radius," I disclosed.

His face froze, crinkled, resolved, and then crinkled again; his perplexed state revealed his experience treating star athletes, arthritic senior citizens, and undeniable klutzes, but not an assiduous essay writer with a self-dubbed "freak accident."

"Can you say that again?" he questioningly stated.
"My elbow slid beneath my body," I relayed.
He thought once more, then shook his head, "okay, got it," he approved, as he gesticulated the motion I described.
"Alana, continue to wear the sling, but in addition, you need to wear this splint," advised Dr. Brigham.
After leaving Dr. Brigham's office, I hustled to school for the AP test. I sat in the library sporting an unlikely companion for success, my snow globe.

The test proctor spotted my snow globe and walked over. "Is that for good luck?" she whispered.
"Oh no," I giggled. "I'm using it as a paper weight, to compensate for one arm, so my test won't move."

"Good idea," she replied.
After the test my classmates and I ran outside to the track to tell Mrs. Funk how we felt we did; I cautiously followed, propelling myself forward with my sling.

"How did you hold up," she asked.
"Well enough, I smiled.
I crumble pages of newspaper, stuff them into each stocking and tie a knot. I then wrap masking-tape around each stocking manipulating one into an ulna and the other into a radius. After I dip pieces of essay confetti into the paper mache, I use them to cover the bones, just like a bandage.