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Posts by jstark93
Joined: Oct 26, 2011
Last Post: Oct 31, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: Ghana

Displayed posts: 3
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jstark93   
Oct 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I spent one month living in the street' - admission ucf [5]

like a table with amissing leg. Change the first sentence. Dont say "like it was yesterday" It is too cliche, too hackneyed, try a different, less overused expression because it will make u sound more original and creative to an admissions officer, example, When I wake up every Tuesday morning, I remember January 12,2010. or January 12,2010 is a day forever seared in my mind. or even more creative

Every hour, my mind never fails to remind me of January 12,2010 or anything more original u can think of that can capture how significant the day was. I remember it like yesterday, just doesnt work for me.Your punctuation need to improve

I admit that I confronted many obstacles, my first months were not stress-free, I had to get used to live away from my parent, I had to familiarize myself with the language, I had to make new friends and adapt with the school

The puntuaction here is not good. you can put commas and then start new sentences with new subjects and predicates.
Revision: I admit that i confronted many obstacles. My first months were arduous and stressful: i had to adapt to living away from my parents, to familiarize myself with the language and to make new friends.

However, the benefits were worth the cost. Please revise the punctuation of the whole essay, it is simply not adequate, too many run-ons

Your essay, is nonetheless, interesting and your values and experience should definitely appeal to any admissions officer. Just be more creative and grammatically adept when writing it.
jstark93   
Oct 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Its all worth it' - significant risk, drama [3]

Thanks a lot Kevin, i always taught something was missing from the essay, i guess it was imagery, something to leave in the mind of the reader, thanks. Nonetheless, i just have one pressing question to ask? Did u find this essay interesting? Can it sustain the interest of say, an admissions officer.
jstark93   
Oct 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Its all worth it' - significant risk, drama [3]

Evaluate a significant experience, ethical dilemma, or risk you have taken and its impact on you.

Now that I think of it,I believe the place was really smelling but I was simply too busy conjecturing
possible disasters to notice.The "ICNN" news show was in play.It was our first show.Actually, it was
our second,my memory, stubbornly,kept reminding me.I knew that.I just really wanted to forget
about the first one.
It had been our debut show and I had wanted to jolt the boarders into an ICNN vibe, but in the end,
it failed miserably.They hated it! They hated the presentations,the news stories,articles,the adverts
and everything else. They accused me for the failure, labelling me disorganised,naive and
uncreative.I tried to explain that the microphones and speakers were dysfunctional but they could
not be appeased.I had put so much into ICNN,skipping soccer practice(I never do that!),sacrificing a
lot of study-time,missing meals, and toiling all day and night all for nothing but criticism and failure.
Why had I burdened myself so much just to inform and entertain them?I questioned myself.They
didn't even appreciate the effort I made,despite the failure.Yes,I loved ICNN.I loved the creative
things I did with the club but I felt that wasn't reason enough to be the answer. I had to have
another reason.Atsu gave me that.
He was the cleanest male in the boarding house but was transferred to the filthiest room.Within one
month he had transformed the room into a spotless one.People were stunned at the rooms new
appearance and even more so at his achievement since his roommates could care less about
cleanliness. Suddenly many boarders valued cleanliness.Everyone,including me,was striving to adapt
their characters to include cleaniness.Acho had toiled all month long to transform the room and,now
people were inspired to be as clean as he was.In effect,he had improved our characters.That was
it!He had answered the question.What was the point of him burdening himself to change the
room?Because of his hard work,he had improved our lives by conferring a valuable human attribute
of cleaniness to us.He had improved our boarding experience . By burdening myself to run the club,I
was improving someone's boarding experience by informing and entertaining them with news.I was
improving their lives,making it more exciting and pleasurable.Because of the perseverance of
renowned people like Kwame Nkrumah decades ago,I have the privilege of living in a peaceful and
independent country,accessing electricity,and enjoying higher living standards.People had toiled to
improve my life and I intended to do the same for others.
So here I was,in this squalid bathroom,waiting for our "first show" to end,too spineless to be out
there with the crowd for fear of disappointment and the resulting harangue I would receive.But
there was no mistaking the sound of laughter and cheering.They were loving it.It was safe now.
I finally came out of the bathroom and watched the last part of the show.It was the obituaries,the
part we remembered the students who had passed away.No,they didn't die,dont be alarmed.These
were students who had left the school, either transferred to another school or graduated.Seeing
pictures of old friends on the presentation touched and excited the boarders.I,slowly, processed the
images on the faces of the audience:some had wide smiles,some were laughing,some wore beaming
faces,some sentimental from missing old friends.All the same,they were entertained.I had done it.I
had improved their boarding experience.I had improved their lives
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