Evaluate a significant experience, ethical dilemma, or risk you have taken and its impact on you.
Now that I think of it,I believe the place was really smelling but I was simply too busy conjecturing
possible disasters to notice.The "ICNN" news show was in play.It was our first show.Actually, it was
our second,my memory, stubbornly,kept reminding me.I knew that.I just really wanted to forget
about the first one.
It had been our debut show and I had wanted to jolt the boarders into an ICNN vibe, but in the end,
it failed miserably.They hated it! They hated the presentations,the news stories,articles,the adverts
and everything else. They accused me for the failure, labelling me disorganised,naive and
uncreative.I tried to explain that the microphones and speakers were dysfunctional but they could
not be appeased.I had put so much into ICNN,skipping soccer practice(I never do that!),sacrificing a
lot of study-time,missing meals, and toiling all day and night all for nothing but criticism and failure.
Why had I burdened myself so much just to inform and entertain them?I questioned myself.They
didn't even appreciate the effort I made,despite the failure.Yes,I loved ICNN.I loved the creative
things I did with the club but I felt that wasn't reason enough to be the answer. I had to have
another reason.Atsu gave me that.
He was the cleanest male in the boarding house but was transferred to the filthiest room.Within one
month he had transformed the room into a spotless one.People were stunned at the rooms new
appearance and even more so at his achievement since his roommates could care less about
cleanliness. Suddenly many boarders valued cleanliness.Everyone,including me,was striving to adapt
their characters to include cleaniness.Acho had toiled all month long to transform the room and,now
people were inspired to be as clean as he was.In effect,he had improved our characters.That was
it!He had answered the question.What was the point of him burdening himself to change the
room?Because of his hard work,he had improved our lives by conferring a valuable human attribute
of cleaniness to us.He had improved our boarding experience . By burdening myself to run the club,I
was improving someone's boarding experience by informing and entertaining them with news.I was
improving their lives,making it more exciting and pleasurable.Because of the perseverance of
renowned people like Kwame Nkrumah decades ago,I have the privilege of living in a peaceful and
independent country,accessing electricity,and enjoying higher living standards.People had toiled to
improve my life and I intended to do the same for others.
So here I was,in this squalid bathroom,waiting for our "first show" to end,too spineless to be out
there with the crowd for fear of disappointment and the resulting harangue I would receive.But
there was no mistaking the sound of laughter and cheering.They were loving it.It was safe now.
I finally came out of the bathroom and watched the last part of the show.It was the obituaries,the
part we remembered the students who had passed away.No,they didn't die,dont be alarmed.These
were students who had left the school, either transferred to another school or graduated.Seeing
pictures of old friends on the presentation touched and excited the boarders.I,slowly, processed the
images on the faces of the audience:some had wide smiles,some were laughing,some wore beaming
faces,some sentimental from missing old friends.All the same,they were entertained.I had done it.I
had improved their boarding experience.I had improved their lives
Actually, it was
our second,my memory, stubbornly,kept reminding me.I knew that.I just really wanted to forget
about the first one.
I think right here you use too many words. Maybe condense it like this:
Actually, it was our second; I just really wanted to forget about the first one.----I think this way is great. The reader does not need everything explained in detail. Readers like to figure things out on their own.
I think you need an imagery word in that first paragraph, and give a noun that makes readers really see something. Add the good word anywhere. Give the reader something to see in that paragraph.
Why had I burdened myself so much just to inform and entertain them?
Yeah, don't try to teach a pig to sing; it frustrates you and annoys the pig. But who is "they," exactly? I know wo you mean in general, but give the reader something to see.
Your writing style is great, but add imagery. You can take your writing to the next level by thinking of a painter splashing pain onto a canvas. A short letter, essay, blog post, etc only has room for 2 or 3 images that really stain the reader's mind. Splash an image onto the reader's mind. : )
Thanks a lot Kevin, i always taught something was missing from the essay, i guess it was imagery, something to leave in the mind of the reader, thanks. Nonetheless, i just have one pressing question to ask? Did u find this essay interesting? Can it sustain the interest of say, an admissions officer.
