Posts by crazymarilynman

crazymarilynman

Oct 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Doctors can be beneficial to everyone' - UMD, what is your something? [3]

Really good! Just a couple of suggestions.

Get rid of "the hardest branch of the military". You state what you need to about the marines in the next sentence when you talk about a challange.

"of modern society and I get to be" = Where. keep it simple.

Please don't say that medicine isn't your passion. It makes you sound like you would be undedicated (which you aren't by the sound of it). Talk about your passion being you want to help people and that you believe medicine is the best way to do that.

"The ability to be a help to everyone is important to me because being from the military I've been to places where race, sex, and religion are still openly discriminated against and I can't stand it."= Due to my military service, I have been able to travel the world and see first hand the ugly face of discrimination.

I love your concluding sentences! "My something is to help the world be a better place, and I think I'm pursuing the best career choice to do just that."

Get rid of 'Also a doctor can work at a medical school and become a teacher and still be a doctor.' But if you really want it state it more like this: "Being a doctor also has the added benifit of teaching people about their body's, and how to stay healthy."

Good Luck!

crazymarilynman

Oct 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the circumstances surrounding my drop in grades' - Additional information Essay [2]

I just want to know if this sounds alright like if i'm writing this additional info thing for college right. It's about my drop in my grades and why it happened.

When reviewing my application a certain inconsistency may be noted, second semester junior year my grades fell short of my usual standards. I am not going to make excuses but I will do my best to explain the circumstances surrounding this drop in performance.

The second semester of my junior year starts in February, and my grades were doing well. Unfortunately for my family, in early march my maternal aunt, after months of illness, was diagnosed with colon cancer. She has been trying for the last ten years to get her green card to stay in the United States, but after 9/11 it became nearly impossible to do so. Because of this my mother and father would alternate two week periods to fly and see her.

My Aunt, or Khala in Urdu, has been such a big part of my life. When my mother first had me, she flew from Pakistan to help take care of me so my mother could continue residency. She is the kindest woman I know and it was painful to see her try to get her green card but even worse to know she was struggle with cancer half way around the world and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Every time my siblings and I would call her she put on a happy voice and asked about us and how we were doing. She would never admit to being scared, or in pain.

But the most frightening was to know that someone you love was getting medical treatment in a country where the likelihood of complications is so high. It's the kind of terrifying that sits in one's stomach like a rock and refuses to move.

After my mother came back from the second trip to Pakistan, my dad convinced her to get a colonoscopy, due to the fact that she had a strong family history of it. She had cancerous polyps in her colon, creating more stress and worry for our family.

Luckily, in June my aunt started to recover and currently is doing much better, which is such a big relief for everyone.
These were the circumstances surrounding my drop in grades. My first semester junior year grades were much better than my second, but I still should be held accountable for the fact that my GPA slipped.

Is it okay? I'm not lieing or anything but I just want to know if this is how I should send it. Thanks!