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'the circumstances surrounding my drop in grades' - Additional information Essay


crazymarilynman 1 / 1  
Oct 26, 2011   #1
I just want to know if this sounds alright like if i'm writing this additional info thing for college right. It's about my drop in my grades and why it happened.

When reviewing my application a certain inconsistency may be noted, second semester junior year my grades fell short of my usual standards. I am not going to make excuses but I will do my best to explain the circumstances surrounding this drop in performance.

The second semester of my junior year starts in February, and my grades were doing well. Unfortunately for my family, in early march my maternal aunt, after months of illness, was diagnosed with colon cancer. She has been trying for the last ten years to get her green card to stay in the United States, but after 9/11 it became nearly impossible to do so. Because of this my mother and father would alternate two week periods to fly and see her.

My Aunt, or Khala in Urdu, has been such a big part of my life. When my mother first had me, she flew from Pakistan to help take care of me so my mother could continue residency. She is the kindest woman I know and it was painful to see her try to get her green card but even worse to know she was struggle with cancer half way around the world and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Every time my siblings and I would call her she put on a happy voice and asked about us and how we were doing. She would never admit to being scared, or in pain.

But the most frightening was to know that someone you love was getting medical treatment in a country where the likelihood of complications is so high. It's the kind of terrifying that sits in one's stomach like a rock and refuses to move.

After my mother came back from the second trip to Pakistan, my dad convinced her to get a colonoscopy, due to the fact that she had a strong family history of it. She had cancerous polyps in her colon, creating more stress and worry for our family.

Luckily, in June my aunt started to recover and currently is doing much better, which is such a big relief for everyone.
These were the circumstances surrounding my drop in grades. My first semester junior year grades were much better than my second, but I still should be held accountable for the fact that my GPA slipped.

Is it okay? I'm not lieing or anything but I just want to know if this is how I should send it. Thanks!
Truscan2012 2 / 6  
Oct 26, 2011   #2
For the first sentence: "When reviewing my application a certain inconsistency may be noted, second semester junior year my grades fell short of my usual standards." Split it into two like this:

When reviewing my application a certain inconsistency may be noted. ("During" or "In") the second semester of my junior year, my grades fell short of my usual standards.

The sentence: "When my mother first had me, she flew from Pakistan to help take care of me so my mother could continue residency." is not right. Use the correct pronouns like this:

When I was just born, my aunt flew from Pakistan to help take care of me so my mother could continue residency.

I'm going to stop here for now, I'm sure you get the point. But great essay nonetheless! Keep up the good work, just revise each sentence separately. :)

Good job and good luck!


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