Undergraduate /
'yet to meet people from another culture' - common app [3]
I don't know. To me, it's only to me, it doesn't answer anything. For example let me point out the problem zones:
'I couldn't rip the smile I had on my face even if I tried to.' But why would you want to do that in a joyous moment like that? Is there any particular reason that you might have wanted to share with the readers?
Here I was, sitting in a stadium amidst people, young and old, from the most diverse range of races and creeds, reflecting on my life. How did it reflect on your life? What particular incident really marked the significance of that diversity? I think you may need to toil on this.
I was taken back to my childhood holidays in my home country of Mali, sinking my teeth into those juicy mangos mangoes that often ended up dyeing my clothes yellow by the time I was done, that my grandmother never forgot to remind Fatima, her helper, to pluck from the huge tree before my arrival. Nor the days spent at my grandfather's house watching the older women cook from the large stew pot and then later gathering with the entire family to eat from the huge dish. This particular paragraph only tells us, the readers, that you like mangoes. And to tell you frankly, it describes the art of mango-plucking and cooking rather than exposing your personality.
There are many such empty sentences. You must really try hard to tell us something about you and only you. You have the necessary writing skills that are needed. Best of luck!! :)