Undergraduate / 'Dachau' - Common App experience [2]

Hey guys! Please give me some feedback on my common app essay. Any technical/grammatical help would be great and also let me know if there's anything I can change to make it more meaningful/memorable/less cliche! Thank you!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Broken language filled my ears. Deciphering the sounds was like simultaneously putting together 2 different puzzles. "Yakob! Vach up! Vere gohen on a trip," shouted my host sister. I appreciated the effort she made in our conversations, each one with a considerable amount of both English and German that I called "Germlish." I hauled myself off of the regal foam mattress, scrambled down to the family's pristine BMW, and drove off on a trip to God knows where with my German host family.

A trip it was; we arrived at Dachau, the first Nazi concentration camp in Germany. As we walked through the gates, it seemed that gravity took a hold of everyone in more ways than one. The gravity of the situation was immense and well-deserved, and it was hard to walk around the site without becoming weak at the knees. Nevertheless, the fatigue I felt that morning vanished. Every ounce of stress and confusion in my head decreased in size as it filled with my condolences. No number of words can describe the feelings that went through my head as I timidly wandered through the historical last resting place of so many discriminated peoples, considering the hopelessness that must have surrounded the residents. This history is something that nobody desires to talk about, but is important to be discussed; something that nobody wishes to see, but is vital to witness.

This experience provided an obvious melancholy feeling that left a bad taste in my mouth, but it was in the aftertaste where I had the signature moment of realization. I felt the stereotypical yet genuine awareness that my life had been tranquil and fortunate. My cherished time spent in Germany, visiting Dachau in particular, granted me a historical, cultural perspective on the world around me. My cultural awareness united with my newfound self-awareness to create a different breed of motivation. I took it as more than a wake-up call; I took it as inspiration to better the lives of those less privileged than me. I have always been a naturally driven person, but this experience drives me with a much better mile per gallon ratio. This is a principal factor that pushes me to work my hardest academically, volunteer, and strive for a career that will help the unfortunate.

The living conditions I walked through and the pictures I saw in Dachau will resonate in my head for the rest of my life. As unsettling as it was, though, it sparked an overdue realization that I am indeed lucky. Even though I may not have or be everything valued by society, I value myself and what I've been given. There is so much less worry holding me back so I can lunge myself forward into novel experiences. I left Dachau, my host family, and Germany as a changed person. I came home with an open mind, willing to indulge in every opportunity that allows me to enhance my community and that of others.

Undergraduate / 'the determination and curiosity to study the brain' - UW-Madison personal statement [2]

Here's the prompt for the personal statement:
Statement 1:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

And here's my essay! please help with grammar and all that, but also let me know if it's not focused enough or if I ramble on or if I should change anything! Thanks!

My curiosity of the mind and the field of neuroscience is my chief motivator in my life. I have always been fascinated by how we develop intellectually; how we choose from right and wrong; how we dream, imagine, and become our own people. These questions have kept me striving to find new experiences and commitments that can sculpt my own mind and make me a stronger, more dedicated individual.

Through my involvement in my community and rigorous academics, I have attained the determination and curiosity necessary to shape my aspirations of studying the brain. I feel that service work enriches oneself as much as it does the cause it is done for, so I revel in immersing myself in different volunteer projects and environmental awareness escapades because I know that they all impact how I think about certain things. One particular volunteering experience I had was participating in the HandsOn Twin Cities Youth Advisory Board. As an ambassador and founding member of the volunteer group, I helped in developing service projects in the Twin Cities. About 15 high school kids, myself included, were given over $8,000 to do whatever we wanted to enrich our community, and we developed 2 large scale service projects that benefitted families and recreational areas in the cities. It familiarized us with the financial grant process and making connections with influential people, both of which I see myself doing in college and my future careers. Not only did I gain these valuable leadership skills, but I realized how much a small group of people can affect the community. I definitely see myself serving my community throughout all of my life, and I know Madison has many opportunities for me to do that in ways that relate to my particular interests. I strongly intend to promote my passion for service learning in my college years, so my enthusiasm for helping my community will brighten the already incredible campus in Madison.

My activities reveal how active I'll be on Madison's campus in more than just academics. I do not just want to go to college, learn what I have to learn, and get on out to live the typical American Dream. I want to delve deeper. My interests, my passions, are what drove me to considering Madison as a prospective place to go to college. After visiting the campus, I knew that UW-Madison had much to offer me and I had much to offer in return. The neurobiology program is recognized world-wide and presents me with endless opportunities. I intend to participate in as much research as my brain can handle and single out the secrets of Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and Huntington's. Currently, I am readying myself for the annual Brain Bee so I can compete with students in my area in neuroscience trivia and hopefully participate in research at local colleges. It will certainly help that I spend hours exploring neuroscience related articles; my favorite being a neurophilosophy blog that literally blows my mind. Through this competition especially, I'll gain imperative familiarity with the subject so I can successfully research neuroscience in Madison!

I know that my personality, interests, and life experiences are well fit for Madison and I can augment my place in the campus. I still have lessons to learn and skills to develop, and I know that the University of Wisconsin in Madison can aid in sculpting my future into something great. Madison's campus will be enriched by my presence via volunteer work, spirit, community involvement, and research, but I think what gives me an extra kick is my curiosity. I will bring ideas and questions into the university and come out with answers, but more importantly, more questions.