Undergraduate / 'my favorite colors are red and blue' - Univ. of Penn. Supplement [2]

Hello, I am aiming for UPenn's early decision deadline on November 1st. Comments, feedback, and any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :D

Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

It is not a mere coincidence that my favorite colors are red and blue - the colors that live and scream Penn's pride and spirit everyday. It would seem that we would be a perfect match - Penn and I; we would wear the same colors, representing a part of our lives, and flaunt ourselves to the world.

We have a number of things in common, actually, so I am hoping that my presence at Penn will only allow it to continue growing as it has been since its establishment. I shall do so by contributing to Penn's diverse student body in multiple ways. Academically, I will progress in my studies and prove my determination to live up to Penn's reputation and standards. Participation in class and out of class will come from pure dedication and work ethic which are inevitably favorable in a student. Athletically, I will dedicate my body and mind to Penn's badminton team, hoping to lead them on to future victories. I might even introduce myself to a new sport, to try something new like figure skating, but I will definitely dedicate my energy into encouraging other teams as well, as I "bleed red and blue!" As for our common passion for diversity, I will be contributing to Penn's internationally recognized community, especially through advocating the AIS and PAACH organizations.

After devoting the entirety of myself and my capabilities into Penn, I know that Penn will have done the same for me. In intending to obtain a BAS degree in Cognitive Science, I hope to explore and develop my technological, psychological, and biological understanding. I am assured that Penn's School of Engineering and Applied Science will lead me towards a path most appropriate for me with its complete implementation of professional, hands-on practices, various fields of study, and acclaimed professors. I will be able to take advantage of Penn's educational opportunities and resources in and out of school. In this way, we are learning more about myself and my future, together.

Attending a college and devouring a full college experience has been a dream since I first discovered the idea of college. Making friends, working with professionals, throwing toast at football games, they are all more than available at Penn - they are Penn. Being a Penn student will allow me to go through these experiences and transform them into life experiences. Penn will be engraving its life into mine, and I will have had the highest experience, insight, and education that will successfully send me off on my own.

After numerous discussions with former Penn students about what they have learned from college, I would want nothing more than to be able to be as proud and glorified as they are. They have not only learned at Penn, but they taught at Penn. Picturing myself in their positions, bringing forth the best of my abilities, making myself a part of this community, wearing red and blue, it all just seems so right.

Undergraduate / 'On My Way Home' - CommonApp Personal [3]

This is a college essay regarding a topic of my choice, no specific prompt. I just discovered this site and would deeply appreciate some feedback ASAP! I am aiming for the early-decision deadline for UPenn on November 1st.

"Doors are opening." I stepped out of the train, preparing for my my walk home from school. I turned on my mp3, and plugged my headphones deep into my ears so it would appear that I cannot hear anything, but I can hear everything. While exiting Somerset station, I passed by two gentlemen that glared at me as if I have not been walking these streets for the last seven years. Their behavior was typical throughout my neighborhood; they lay their heads down, with their hoods upright, standing so close to each other you would think they were one. They talked about Mary Jane and how much they wanted her, needed her.

I walked a bit further and heard glass shatter; someone must have lost control over a drink - but I do not turn my head because I can't hear, so I can't see. I have become accustomed to these people, to the mothers screaming at their children, to the police on standby, to the teenagers loitering in front of the Chinese restaurant.

Just as I turned on Hart Lane, I was stopped by a man's back. In front of him was an unfamiliar face, a girl my age, healthy and glowing, her hair tied up as if she had just returned from an athletic practice, but she was dead in the eyes. She held one arm out, used her other hand to hold one sleeve of her sweater above her elbow, and glared ferociously into the man's eyes. The man opened a kit full of syringes, ready to inject a mysterious fluid into her body. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I was nearly trembling, but I had to get home. "Excuse me." She drew her eyes to me for a split second as I gave her a confused, disappointed look. I sped up and continued on.

I thought about the issue of drug abuse. It was capable of influencing even the most innocent looking girl, but I knew I was strong enough to never fall under this influence. I then thought of why I did not do or say anything to help her, but what could I have done? If another person were in my position, what would they have done? I was disheartened to admit that it would be rare for a person to have stopped the girl to make her think twice about what she was doing, and just acknowledged this way of life. I felt regretful and useless, sorry that I did not tell her of my thoughts, that you should put your body and mind above all things.

Every day I walk, I see different things, and each time I am more determined to differentiate myself from the worst of my peers and neighbors. I learned that managing your own person is crucial. So I took my keys and injected them into the lock; I turned, and I was home.