Posts by jennifervuvu [Suspended]

jennifervuvu

Nov 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / Do women have to serve in the military?... [5]

Dear Salmah,
I can see that this is a great essay with strong vocabs and ideas

jennifervuvu

Nov 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / Education: teachers have more influence than parents [3]

Hi Abzal,
I would like to give you some comments. ^^
-Firstly, Punctuation and structures:
'Some people believe that teachers have more influence on the success of children in school than parents. While parents are indeed important, in my opinion, I agree that teachers have a stronger influence on a child's success because the students have a lot in common and because they spend most of their time together.'

===> "Some people believe that teachers have more influence on the success of children in school than parents, while others content that parents are indeed important. In my opinion, I agree that ..."

-Secondly, paraphrase:
+In introduction and conclusion, you should paraphrase (shouldn't repeat 'influence on', can use synonyms like 'impact on' )
+In the body, I can see some repetition : ''they will do better to seek advice from their teachers rather than their parents because they will do better to seek advice from their teachers '' or ''approach''

-...

However, there are a lot of good points, such as academic words...

According to me, your essay can get band 6

jennifervuvu

Nov 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / A sense of competition is necessary for success in life, and should therefore be encouraged. [NEW]

Statement:
Competition or co-operation?
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Would like to ask for correction from all of you!
Thank from my heart!
My essay:
It has become more and more common for most academic institutions to organize some competitions, such as sport competitions or excellent pupils' competitions, as part of their training schedules. There are those who claim that youth should be motivated by taking part in these programmes, while others content that competing is less effective than cooperating for children to become more mature. In this essay, I shall examine both sides of this issue.

There are several reasons why competitions are extremely necessary in school. Firstly, it would bring great benefits to participants. For example, not only can competition engage pupils to try their best to become the winner but also help them express their strengths. Consequently, it is highly likely that pupil who participating in some competitions will become more independent and patient. Secondly, through organizing competing in sport or music we can recognize the winner as the best person. By doing this, the winner might be a good role model for others.

Despite the above arguments, it would rather for young people to support each other without competing. Encouraging children to compete may have a negative impact on them. In addition to children can treat others in the bad way to become the winner also get more aggressive and violent. Moreover, if children can be encouraged to work in a team, they will be benefited. The primary advantage is they can learn team work skills that are really necessary for their career. Furthermore, strong points of each member in a team would be performed. From this, each child can learn from their cooperator.

In conclusion, I believe that a sense of competition is necessary for success in life, and should therefore be encouraged.