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Posts by qrhaggerty94
Joined: Nov 16, 2011
Last Post: Nov 16, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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qrhaggerty94   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / "Don't hurt people" ; Civil & Environmental Engineering at CMU [3]

All the grammar that I would have pointed out has been pointed out.

So here are my thoughts on the essay:

-I liked it. It flowed really well.
-You talk a lot about the study habits/determination of students at the University... maybe try to focus more on YOUR academic history and how it fits with them. =)
qrhaggerty94   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A citizen in the City of Buffalo' + 'I want to become a Politician' - UC essays [4]

Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Being a citizen in the City of Buffalo doesn't exactly draw envy from outsiders. Also, identifying as a student in the Buffalo Public City School District is similar to having the title unemployed; others are filled with empathy, and offer their apologies. As an adolescent though, learning to live and be happy with what you have is second nature and you're unaware of better conditions unless you've had the chance to experience them. To mature is to become aware of and begin to understand your surroundings. On opening day of my freshman year in high school, the real "outside world" was abruptly unlocked to me; I was like a curious little puppy getting loose and running away for the first time.

To get to my high school, I crossed the entire city. My life journey began with a single step outside, the first time being solely responsible for myself. The true nature of my city unveiled itself in each step I took towards the train. Knowing that Buffalo had once been one of the most sought after places to live in because of its close proximity to Canada and its booming steel industry, I couldn't fathom looking at seven abandoned homes on my very own street. "How did this happen?" was one of several questions shouting in my head. The train ride was filled with stories of losses, pain, and suffering. No matter who I spoke to, I found myself sympathizing with and sharing my own personal stories.

Before I knew it, I entered the doors of Leonardo da Vinci High School. Conversations went wild in the cafeteria about how our summers went. My soon to be best friend informed the table about how her father was shot in the east side of Buffalo, a mundane occurrence in the gang life in this neighborhood. I told the story about seeing gang fights on my street and being scared to death watching them through my attic window. Talking about all this openly made me realize that our city had some severe problems. I came home that day and asked my mom if we could move to an affluent area, wondering why I had to live in an area that was so unsafe and poverty stricken. She told me that I would one day benefit from it, and that sometimes in life everything happens for a reason. This wasn't exactly the answer I wanted. However, the next year I entered a Career Discovery college course. The first thing the professor asked me was "what's an important issue to you?" It was then that an enlightenment took place in my brain. I knew why I was born in Buffalo.

I think to myself how different my life would have been had I not grown up in the city of Buffalo. If I had lived in some small suburban town, perhaps my life would be different, and perhaps I would be aspiring to become a doctor, or a teacher. But, as my mother says, "everything happens for a reason." Living in Buffalo has inspired me to be the change I wish to see in the world. I will not stand for the conditions the people in my city have gone through. I want to bring Buffalo back to the city it used to be, an in demand city with an economy that has other cities trying to replicate. I know that in order to achieve this, the Political Science degree I am seeking will be of great benefit.

Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

My palms were drenched in sweat, each wipe on my jeans a worthless action. My heart was beating faster than the speed of light as I impatiently awaited the election results. Right before the winner was announced, I shut my eyes. "We have elected Quinn Haggerty," I heard. My eyes burst open and I let out a smile as big and bright as the sun. I couldn't believe that I was elected the youth co-chair of the Youth Commission in my diocese.

Many consider being elected for this prestigious leadership position an achievement in its own, but I was determined that I would pride myself out of what I do as the co-chair, and not just boast the title itself. The co-chairs strive to promote leadership, growth, involvement, and expand and enhance diocesan youth events. Though all who come to the Commission agree that the enhancement of youth in the diocese is essential, disagreement happens when it comes to how to enhance. As a leader, the co-chair tries to identify the middle ground and work towards achieving the diocesan goals.

This position has helped develop my critical thinking and problem solving skills. The biggest problem in our diocese I found was that we lost the youth in middle school which severely curtailed our high school ministries. To address this problem, I wanted to create a weekend retreat designed to promote middle school involvement. The Commission was reluctant, as some other diocese's have similar programs that have failed. However, I was determined that this was exactly what our diocese needed. With the help of the adult co-chair, I created a spiritual retreat weekend, Journeys, for middle school aged youth in our diocese that would gain approval of the Commission. Journeys is led by high school aged youth so as to promote leadership and focuses on spiritual growth for the participants. Journeys was an instant success and since it has launched, the average attendance in the high school ministries has soared.

Because I want to study Political Science and become a Politician, I am really encouraged that I have been elected into an esteemed leadership position. I am often told I have a very calming yet persuasive presence, and I noticed this in my ability to be diplomatic when it comes to opposing viewpoints. This position has helped me realize that I long to serve others and envision a future in which there are opportunities for all.
qrhaggerty94   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / biology intended major-UC transfer app [2]

Hey! Okay here are my thoughts:

-Put a comma after the word instead in the second sentence.
-Put a comma after the word however "However throughout all this,"
-No comma here. "injuries, and end up struggling with their recovery."

You do have really great thoughts, and you definitely answer the prompt, but I don't think that the structure of your essay is that great.

I think you should have a strong intro and conclusion. It seems to be mostly all body and only a beginning/ending sentence.

Other than that, you're golden. Good luck!

-If you have nothing to do, mind looking at mine? :)
qrhaggerty94   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Personal statement. living with ADD (attention deficit disorder) [2]

Hey... just a few thoughts:

"...Only excited my already excited thoughts." -That's sort of awkward. I don't think excited should be used twice. In addition, excited sort of gives a positive vibe, I'd try and think of a different adjective. See if you can change it to something else.

"All of the qualities I possessed were those that were not welcome in the classroom setting, fortunately, with time, my excessive energy would be converted from random to determinate processes." - I would put a period after setting and start the next sentence with Fortunately.

"No longer were my questions considered to be negative, for the reason that math was eager to prove its reasoning" - I know what you're trying to say, but the "for the reason" part especially doesn't really work. Also it's repetitive with the reason, reasoning. Change it up a little bit. Maybe change for the reason with because.

-Right around there you have the word encouraged twice. ( "my qualities were encouraged in students." and "that my inquisitive behavior was encouraged." ) Only use it once.

"This logic math had given me made me more critical of" - Choose... given me or made me?

"At this instant, I felt relieved of a great burden that was my past academic failure, it was here that I thought, "this removes an unknown from the list" there was no longer that empty thought that lived within that concluded with a reasonless answer, because of math and the advancements in chemistry, I knew I could quantitatively search for the answer to the surplus of neurotransmitters exciting my senses." -Way too long and run on. I'd put at least put a period after "this removes an unknown from the list."

"that the blame does no reside in the child" -Does not.

"I see a different manifestation of mine, and, not only the students, but also we" -Take out the comma after mine and and.

* I thought your essay was very well written! I could feel YOU in it! However, I would focus a little bit more of how it felt to overcome the barrier of ADD. You focused a lot on facts about ADD and the struggle, but maybe a little bit more of how it felt when you were able to overcome ADD would be beneficial to your essay.

Hope I could help. If you have the time, can you look over my essay! :)

Thanks!
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