Undergraduate / 'I was ready for a fresh start without a slight bit of hesitation' [2]

Prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

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Dear Journal,
Today is the day for I, ___, will enter an entirely new high school from the previous year! Books in my bag and schedule in my hand, I step out of the Winter Park's school bus onto the grassy green field in a hot summer day along with a brand new identity.

I repeatedly told myself that I was ready for a fresh start, and, without a slight bit of hesitation, I quickly glanced at the school's mirror. Dark jeans and white V-neck. Check! New shoes. Check! A smile with confidence. Not so much. Unfortunately, that was the real me; a shell without any guts.

As I walked around the campus, there were many jovial students advertising for their clubs. One specific student seemed to take an interest in me as he persistently tried to make me join the Hip-Hop club. Like a curious baby, I humbly took his offer and from that point on my life was forever changed.

Not long after I joined the club, several of my friends and I formed our own dance crew, which later known as "Statix." Afterwards, my crew signed up for a big local competition that will take place in a few weeks. Even though it seemed that my friends were having fun while practicing the routine, I became terrified. Each day closer to the performance meant another day of countless nightmares and anxiety attacks. When the day of the competition finally came, I became restless and afraid. As a result, I made numerous stupid mistakes that ultimately cost the crew the battle.

My failure in this competition allowed me to persevere. My next chance was the school talent show, and I was determined to do well. I spent countless hours after school practicing and researching in order to polish my dance moves for the routine.

Finally, on the day of our performance, my crew slowly step out to the front of the stage while thousands of eyes constantly watching us. My heart started to beat faster and faster to the point that I wanted to run away. However, the flashbulb memory of my previous competition, and my blood and sweat over the past few weeks allowed me to settle down. When the music kicked in, I cleared my mind and cut out any thoughts about losing or making mistakes, and I simply danced to the beat and had fun while I was at it. After it was over, roaring of cheers and claps spread across the auditorium. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. In the end, we won the gold medal despite the tight competitions in the show.

Not everyone in this world is blessed with a talent; I certainly did not regard myself as one of those fortunately gifted individuals. However, thanks to my time with the Hip-Hop club, I discovered that perseverance enabled me to overcome my inhibitions and achieve success that I once believe impossible as long as I put my heart and soul into it. With perseverance, I will be ready to soar above my limits whether it is sports, grades, or colleges.

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I'm hoping to get some feedback and suggestions on how to improve my essay.
Thank you!!!

Undergraduate / Armed with only "Hello's" and "Goodbye's" - UC Statement [3]

Prompt #1:
Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

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After the tenth birthday, my content life quickly turned into a new direction as my family moved from Vietnam to a small town in California. Moving to an entirely new country was a frightening experience due to many issues such as language and money. Surprisingly, this twisted chapter of my life would not only shape me into an independent and ambitious young man, but also would reveal my desire to obtain the glorious "American Dream."

Armed with only "Hello's" and "Goodbye's," my first school day was extremely difficult. Not knowing what to do or say made everything and everyone seemed so intimidating. Furthermore, I was subjected to many mild forms of bullying since I was the new "fob" student in the school. For this reason, I tended to stay in own comfortable zone without many friends, and eventually developed a dependent and rather coy personality.

Despite all of these, my life further took another unexpected turn in my sophomore year when my parents sent me to Florida to live with my aunt because they wanted me to have a better education. Life in Florida was tough because my aunt was extremely strict in my learning and personal life. She wouldn't allow me to use the television, the computer, and even my phone without her permission or before finishing my homework. Sometimes we would spend hours talking about my future and dreams, and since she was a pharmacist she tend to push my view towards business or medical professions. As a result, I immersed in volunteer work at a hospital in the pharmacy's department, the kitchen, and the reception desk. Through these odd jobs, I finally got to experience the hardships of working first-handed, and it ultimately served as the core of my motivation to become the first generation college student in my family. I further motivated myself to break out of my comfortable zone by joining many clubs, sports and other activities. I eventually became more social and outgoing. At one point, my friends and I even created our own "Statix" dance crew and competed in several competitions.

While my time with my aunt in Florida only lasted for a mere year, I truly believed this experience acted as a catalyst that ultimately created who I am today. I learned to become more independent and task-oriented. I adapted to hardships and took matters into my own hands rather than waiting for a solution. I even became more lively and outgoing. Even though I am not entirely sure to what I truly want to be in my life, I do believe that my struggles and experiences would make me a good candidate for college. And I hope that this decision will unlock the door to my own successful future.