Posts by drums4ever

drums4ever

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / "Acceptance" UC Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from [5]

WOWWWW! Your essay was great! The inclusion of the little boy will definitely stir up some sentimental emotions to the admissions officers, as it did for me. And I'm not the best at grammar :/ so i really can't help you there. Also, in my opinion, I felt it was a little too lengthy when it cam to explaining his disease...maybe you should delete this sentence...if you want to that is...its just a small suggestion...hahah

"Kawasaki disease, also known as lymph node syndrome, is very rare and often affects children under the age of five"

But it was really good overall:) best of luck to you, and hopefully ill see you in Cali soon.

PS: you should totally be proud of your your culture, it rocks! and it makes you you

drums4ever

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I became "Americanized"' - between two cultures UC prompt #1 [6]

Wow!! Ok, your essay was overall great! you definitely described your world and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations. However, I did notice a few grammer problems, but I'm not the best at grammer either so yoou should ask your english teacher for the grammer corrections. Also, I feel you gave too much information at one point :

" the same time, I also saw many teens like me that completely lost their Hmong culture. They became "one-hundred percent American". Many of them became wasted while others transformed into street thugs, and there were more that dropped out of school. It was hard to equally divide myself among two different cultures but I knew that I cannot become a "screw-up" like my parents always say. I do not understand why many of the Hmong youths would just throw their lives away- don't they know how big a sacrifice their parents made just to bring them to a country where they can have education and a better life? My parents were forced to leave their families, businesses, and more importantly their homeland to escape persecution. They end up moving to a country they don't even know that existed. Imagine how hard it is to leave a homeland where you have lived all your life and all of sudden; you are forced to get out. It is a pain that my parents endured and I know that I will never understand it. But I realized myself that if I was to throw my life away like the many other countless fools, then the sacrifice my parents made to come here would be worthless. "

like you rephrased the idea a couple times. thus making it a i bit too lengthy.

But, like i said its GREAT! you made me connect with you and even got me a bit emotional!

drums4ever

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to receive a higher education and Environmental Engineering' the world you come from [5]

Thanks for the feedback!!aww you totally gave me some confidence in my essay so thank you for that :))

drums4ever

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / selfishness -- UC Prompt #2 [6]

mmmm, yeah, I personally think you should find another quality to explain yourself. It will come off as too negative. However, if you do decide to uses selfishness, definitely make sure to highlight the positive.

drums4ever

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / UVA Supplement "Mmm, Mmm good!" [4]

Hey you!
Well I have to give you a round of applause. I loved your essay!!! It was filled with great details and witty remarks. It was definitely entertaining and made me want to read more. Sure, I am being a little biased because I'm one of those artistic types of people but anyways, it was real good. I honestly don't have any suggestions because I saw nothing wrong with it. haha

drums4ever

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to receive a higher education and Environmental Engineering' the world you come from [5]

Hello,
Ok i have a lot of trouble writing essays for some reason. I can't seem to out together and organize my thoughts :/ also, I have really bad grammer skills. Please give me some feedback and how I make myself sound. Thank you!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I have always considered myself to be extremely fortunate. I'm thankful to have a hardworking, loving mother who sacrificed herself to give me the gift of an opportunity to an extravagant future. In thought of renovation, she made the critical decision to leave our native third-world country, Colombia, to come to the United Sates for a better life. Since then, unemployment and economic struggles have landed in our path. As an immigrant and single-mother, she has had to work with great diligence to raise and provide for her and me. However, apart from these struggles, we have been tremendously blessed, as there has never been a day that we haven't had food on the table or clothing to wear. I revere my mom for her sagacious actions. Although we live with a deficiency of material things, we have managed to live a happy, hopeful life together. These economical circumstances and struggles in my family have developed my desires to become a prominent leader in society. Through success, I'll be able to provide my children with an even better life, as my mom tried to do for me. I'll be able to give back to, not only my mom, but all the other people whom have picked me up off the dirty ground. Having to work at an early age has taught me responsibility, independence and great appreciation towards life. My eyes have been open to the great blessings I have.

As an only-child, I learned to appreciate company to a great extent. I acquired amicable social skills and managed to make great friendships with people. Experiences with people have given me hope and faith in humanity, that there are others like me with the same pure and humble heart, which has led me to my passion of helping others, just as others have helped me. Living in Miami has introduced me to a vast amount of diversity in people and cultures, therefore, has founded my open-minded and non-judgmental qualities. Adversity in my school has further motivated me to make something of myself. Time and life is very precious and people should make the most of the world. Likewise, living in Miami has given me the opportunity to discover my love for nature. Having the beach a few miles away has been a blessing all these years. I can't accentuate enough the feeling of peace and serenity I get when I'm surrounded by the paradise of nature. With the beautiful ocean waters shouting at me to be productive and the sun brightening up my every move, I have decided to focus my future to, not only travelling to enjoy nature, but protecting and conserving it for humanity.

Knowledge is my priority. My goals are to receive a higher education in the University of California and use it to become an outstanding leader in the field of Environmental Engineering for the conservation of the planet. In doing so, I will satisfy my desire to help other people and myself. My past has taught me how to appreciate every single blessing that comes towards me. Furthermore, it has helped me develop my aspirations of personal and universal success.