Posts by npnpnp

npnpnp

Apr 17, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I am advertising' - your academic and personal interests and goals [5]

Becoming a true grownup is what I am going to be When I finish college.
- might wanna rephrase that! Sound awkward.

Since its an admissions paper, you might want to talk more about yourself and less about how you would advertise a product. If you think about, you are "selling" yourself to the college of your choice. You are not trying to sell a product so tell the reader more about your achievements and avigations in life. This will help make you a better candidate.

npnpnp

Dec 1, 2011

Undergraduate / 'As a Culture mixer.' - Essay [5]

the city; it was a

I believe you don't need that semicolon. Why don't you make it into a sentence?

This area has many differences from my home country
Awkward. Might want to change that.

There are many hardships if you are not familiar with that country you live in.
I am not sure what you mean.

Having relationships with great and helpful people has been good for me.
might want to rephrase

I certainly can believe they are always my supporters in my entire life.
Might want to rephrase

I liked you essay. But I think you need to rephrase some sentences because they are sounding awkward. Sorry if i'm harsh! :)

npnpnp

Dec 1, 2011

Graduate / "You don't want to be a sheep in a herd", Optional Essay [2]

I ~~strive~~strove to make a difference in whatever I do. This is
Yes. This is definitely relevant. THey show who you are and what you bring to your university. This is just an extra space for you to say more about yourself.

npnpnp

Dec 1, 2011

Letters / (the field of Intelligence) Cover letter for admission to OSU [3]

I like your cover letter overall but I felt that towards the end its started to rush. The beginning and the middle were organized and well thought through but towards the end, it sounded awkward.

I would definitely look at the conclusion and make it sound as though you are not telling them that you are a good student but showing that you are well-rounded.

npnpnp

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Engineering will change my life' - NJIT Essay. [3]

"I encountered an NJIT representative last year " , the word encountered sounds odd; maybe wanna change that.

Opening paragraph:
- dull
- generic (diverse and scenic)
- how is it diverse: do they offer any clubs or activites that show their diversity?? "show don't tell"
The only thing that will help with your opening is to spice it up.

npnpnp

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Extracurricular- Hindustani and Carnatic [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

CHANGED IT! THANKS FOR THE INPUT.

My throat was on fire but I pushed myself anyways. I told myself: fight to the end, and finish the game. This was my motto. I have been working on alaap, an improvised musical prelude that is sung before the raag which consists of musical notes rendered in musical phrases, for 3 hours now. I have been singing the same notes over and over again to sound polished and seem effortless. "Sa Re Ga...No it is not perfect" I thought to myself "back to the beginning of the alaap". I have been learning Hindustani and Carnatic, two different types of Indian classical music, for over seven years. During these years, I learned so much about my persistence and hard work and have learned to push myself vocally and also mentally. Each raag has taught me how to cry, laugh, enjoy, and how to live life. It taught me that I must open myself to every moment, cease the opportunity, and jump without any regrets.

npnpnp

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Extracurricular- Hindustani and Carnatic [3]

Please evaluate it harsly.
I need help with grammar.
Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

My throat was on fire but I pushed myself anyways. I told myself: fight to the end, and finish the game. This was my motto. I have been working on the alaap, a complex improvised musical prelude that is sung before the beginning of the raag, for 3 hours now I have been singing the same notes over and over again to sound polished and seem effortless. "Sa Re Ga Ma...No that's not how it goes" I thought to myself "back to the beginning of the alaap". I have been learning Hindustani and Carnatic, two different types of Indian classical music for over seven years. Over the years, I learned so much about the type of person and have learned to push myself further in terms of singing and also mentally. Each raag, which consists of 5 or more musical notes that is rendered in musical phrases, has taught me how to cry, laugh, enjoy life, and how to live life. It taught me that I must open my heart to life in every moment or else I might miss it.

npnpnp

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'An internship in a dentist office' - CommonApp Essay for Stony Brook [8]

"computer, and the career will fit my personality perfectly." change it to "this" career
"enjoyed the atmosphere of diversity" sounds odd...so maybe change it to enjoyed the diverse atmosphere?
"ways of thinking and perceptions" ways of thinking and perceptions are kinda like the same thing so maybe want to change it
"All aspect of the" all ASPECTS
"When I learned that the school was still growing. I was excited and eager to be a part of the growing while excelling my studies at Stony Brook University."

still growing, I was excited

I completely agree with Hinddou Maiga about making it more original. Your essay sounds generic. I know that it's a last minute thing but maybe explain one thing that really intrigued you. An event or a club that you are dying to be part of.

npnpnp

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My parents-the moral guides' - UC Prompt #1 [2]

"impacted by, no other, than my mom and dad" sounds odd. Do you mean none other than?
"animated characters from those how-to-sketch books" Maybe want to remove those and add the.

Overall your essay is good but I think to make it stronger you need to change your introduction a bit. I don't understand where the "through confusion, anger, and sorrow" comes from. It seems random because it is not shown in your essay. It would be better if you showed how their inspiration helped you through this anger, confusion, etc instead of just saying it and leaving it. I hope this helps! Sorry if im really harsh!!

npnpnp

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'The rock is actually from an Apollo 17' - GWU Moon Rock Experience [NEW]

Please grade it harshly. I have problems with grammar(especially tenses), redundency.

Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants). If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.

"Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it."
― Mary Oliver
"Dad! Can you believe that this rock was from the moon?" I exclaimed to him. "This is incredible".
My dad replied, "The rock is actually from an Apollo 17 mission in 1972. Its actually 4 billion years old!" I was surprised more at how much he knows about the moon rock then the actual rock itself.

We left our hotel at 8 am. We have been in the museum for 4 hours. While everyone else glanced through the exhibits, I slowly but meticulously walked to each display case and read the inscription about the importance of the objects in the displace case and the impact they had on our society. I made it my goal to learn as much as possible from the museum and from my dad.

Throughout my life, my house has always been the place for knowledge, both academically and also philosophically. Sometimes over the dinner table, I would bring up Swami Vivekananda quote "This is the first lesson to learn: be determined not to curse anything outside, not to lay the blame upon anyone outside, but stand up, lay the blame on yourself. You will find that is always true. Get hold of yourself" and the talk for hours about the significance of laying the blame on oneself while on the other hand, change the topic to talk about modified square watermelons.

Mary Oliver's quotation has been my life's goal, to constantly find myself amazed and intrigued at life's every moment. George Washington University is the best place for me to be intrigued. I am excited about the opportunities it offers to its students, not only academically but also in the real world. Its prime location gives its students the ability to use their surroundings as an "extended classroom unlike any other university". Its location is central to my earnest eagerness to go this university.

In addition to the university, the George Washington University hospital is also a motivating factor that is driving me to come to this university. Its success in the adult specialties in cancer, ear, nose, and throat, gastroenterology, geriatrics, gynecology, nephrology, and neurology and neurosurgery is a burning factor in my decision to apply for the Seven-Year B.A./ M.D. Program. Medicine has been my passion and a great input to my hunger for knowledge. Volunteering in a hospital for three years has given me a strong foundation and preview of a doctor's life. Their ability to heal the sick is amazing and something that I am burning to do in life. It has been my goal to be in the medical profession and George Washington University provides a confluence of opportunities for me to thrive and to be astonished. George Washington is the place for me that will give me true education that will serve a fuller and more meaningful life.