Hello, I need suggestions on how to change my opening paragraph and corrections, if any gramatical errors, thank you!
How did you learn about NJIT and why are you applying for admission?
I have heard about NJIT through many articles, ads, and fellow classmates and heard about its diverse community and scenic campus which I hope to soon be a part of. I encountered an NJIT representative last year and found out that the eminent NJIT was an in-state university and offered almost every type of engineering. Immediately I realized that this was the school for me.
I have always had an interest in majoring in computers or any other types of engineering. Understanding the components of a computer is very interesting to learn and so I want to expand my knowledge of the internal parts of a computer. Thanks to the guidance I received from educators and my own research, I found that NJIT can give me the most comprehensive learning experience possible. Furthermore, the printed literature I've read about the campus location suits me perfectly.
My childhood passion for computers and machinery lead me to pursue a career in computer engineering. I have vivid memories from when I was a little boy, for example, I loved to disintegrate and assemble back small toy cars, airplanes, or any other models in order to learn about its mechanisms. Furthermore, I would examine my father's computer, open programs, click buttons to appease my curiosity of each buttons function. These were some examples of the methods I used to develop my skills and enlarge my knowledge throughout my life.
Engineering requires more than just being intelligent in complex subjects, for example in math or physics; it requires ingenuity, motivation and hard dedication. My commitment to give the world my knowledge in computers and mechanism will be acquired by my presence in NJIT. Attending at NJIT would not only allow me to become a professional, but also succeed in life and show to the world that dreams can come true. My ambition to become a professional computer engineer in order to succeed and achieve my dream leads me to apply to NJIT.
"I encountered an NJIT representative last year " , the word encountered sounds odd; maybe wanna change that.
Opening paragraph:
- dull
- generic (diverse and scenic)
- how is it diverse: do they offer any clubs or activites that show their diversity?? "show don't tell"
The only thing that will help with your opening is to spice it up.
PLEASE i need revising and suggestions asap!:( Heres a new revised essay from the previous one.. i need suggestions for my opening paragraph. Thank you!
How did you learn about NJIT and why are you applying for admission?
There are over a million colleges in the world but you will end going to one. Seeking for that right college with your intended major can be a very difficult road but that road. Eventually after going though those couple hundred brochures and pamphlets that you have received about local colleges and out-of-state colleges, that road will end and will find that school that has been waiting for you from the start.
I have heard about NJIT through many articles, ads, and fellow classmates and heard about its diverse community and scenic campus which I hope to soon be a part of. NJIT would be a great place to learn about people from different backgrounds and experiences from their programs, for example, the Biology Society and the Muslim Student Association. I came across an NJIT representative last year and found out that the eminent NJIT was an in-state university and offered almost every type of engineering. Immediately I realized that this was the school for me.
I have always had an interest in computers and other types of engineering, such as electrical or civil engineering. Understanding the components of a computer is very interesting to learn and so I want to expand my knowledge of the internal parts of a computer. Thanks to the guidance I received from educators, college fairs, and my own research, I found that NJIT can give me the most comprehensive learning experience possible. Furthermore, the printed literature I've read about the campus location suits me perfectly.
My childhood passion for computers and machinery lead me to pursue a career in computer engineering. I have vivid memories from when I was a little boy, for example, I loved to disintegrate and assemble back small toy cars, airplanes, or any other models in order to learn about its mechanisms. Furthermore, I would examine my father's computer, open programs, and click buttons to appease my curiosity of each buttons function. These were some examples of the methods I used to develop my skills and enlarge my knowledge throughout my life.
Engineering requires more than just being intelligent in complex subjects, for example in math or physics; it requires ingenuity, motivation and hard dedication. I'm committed to give the world my knowledge in computers and mechanism that I shall acquire by my presence at NJIT. Attending NJIT would not only allow me to become a professional, but also succeed in life and show the world that dreams can come true. My ambition to become a professional computer engineer in order to succeed and achieve my dream leads me to apply to NJIT.
