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Posts by sarahjane515
Joined: Dec 1, 2011
Last Post: Dec 1, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 3
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sarahjane515   
Dec 1, 2011
Research Papers / Bullying is an aggressive behavior; About bullying and its versions [2]

Claire,
You have some wonderful information here, and your essay is thoughtful and obviously very impassioned. I do have a few words of advice for you.

I know it's difficult as it's the topic of your essay, but in your introductory paragraph alone you use 'bullying" about twelve times. When it shows up more than once in a sentence, it's important to find a new way to either phrase the sentence or find a different term. It's important to remember that once you state what it is you're talking about, for example the different types of bullying, you don't have to use it after each example.

Also, I assume that this is supposed to be a factual essay, not really based on opinion. In this case, I would remove the personal references. There aren't many, but the sentence where you ask your audience a question about raising children puts too much personal emphasis on the essay. If it were an essay based on convincing or conveying an argument it would be fine. But you're presenting facts and statistics, and you should let those speak more than your personal opinion.

Very well-written and informative essay. Good luck!
sarahjane515   
Dec 1, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Exuberance' -- Common App Essay #6 Free Choice [6]

Hwei,

It's a wonderful topic, and I get the idea of what you're trying to convey to your readers. However your message gets difficult to follow when you jump around between instances where your passion for multiple areas of art and science overlap. I feel you would be better off going into detail about one of these instances. You have a very colorful and spectacular vocabulary, and I believe that would be a huge advantage if you'd just break it down and focus on one situation instead of trying to cover multiple ones in short, crowded paragraphs.
sarahjane515   
Dec 1, 2011
Undergraduate / (my need and passion for writing) Emerson "personal memoirs" [4]

Hello! And thank you so much for reading my thread. I'm brand new here, seeking advice on my application essay. I've never felt so much pressure when filling out a college application! Emerson is my dream school, and after nearly four years of toiling away at schools I hated and a community college where I've finally gotten back on track, I am really looking forward to this application process. My deadline isn't until March, but I really want some solid feedback on this essay before I decide if it's The One, or if I need to keep working at it. Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoy!

"We understand that the college application process often feels stressful, when instead it should be an opportunity for self-reflection. Stop worrying for a minute and have fun with this response.

Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief. (400 - 600 words)"

It is unusual for a child to find their passion for anything at the age of eight, but the need to write and create took hold of me early. Many students of my generation attribute their love of reading and literature to the Harry Potter series, and I am proud to say that is true for me. The imagination and power of the story, as well as the exciting way it is written drew me in and never let go.

The summer I turned eleven was marred by the fact that my deeply anticipated letter of acceptance to Hogwarts never arrived. The world and my imagination became two separate planes of existance, making my need and passion for writing all the more powerful. I would title my memoirs I Never Got My Letter to reflect the power that literature has had on my perception of myself and the world around me.

After the loss of hope for Hogwarts, my education never lived up to my expectations. I wanted the challenges, the new discoveries that I read about in my fantasy books. Of course, some subjects sparked my interests. Science and math truly became dark and mystical subjects for me. English and Creative Writing became my Charms lessons, my Transfiguration lectures. Throughout my elementary education there were moments where I knew my skill for writing was unique. Much the same as Harry's random unconscious acts of magic, I shocked and surprised my family and teachers with many of my assignments. These fueled my need to cultivate my talent, inspiring journals and notebooks full of the particular magic of a young girl's imagination transformed into words.

As high school came to a close, I still hd not come to a conclusion as to what I wanted, or even where I wanted to go. I was standing in King's Cross Station, unsure of how to cross the magical barrier to Platform 9 and 3/4ths.

I had lost myself somewhere along the way. I was running in to some dangerous Dementors, creating a deep sense of doubt in myself and my abilities. I eventually pulled out of it and continued my education at Bristol Community College. I put my talents to use as Editor In Chief of the school newspaper, The Observer. BCC was a wonderful place that encouraged creativity and learning, but it still didn't feel like home.

It happened by chance that I discovered the magic I had been searching for. A woman from the Students Transfers Office brought a packet of information on Emerson College to my newspaper's office and asked if we would run a feature article about the Next Step To Emerson scholarship. I agreed to write the story, and she placed the small envelop on my desk. She smiled as she told me I would find it particularly interesting. She was correct.

As I read about the programs and opportunities at Emerson, my heart began to race. Here, creativity and individual talent flourish. Students were given the freedom to explore all that they could do. It was a place where like-minded people went to feel like they belonged, where they made names for themselves.

Hogwarts may not be real, but the sense of uniqueness and the tailored curriculum have lead me to the conclusion that Emerson College is where I belong. It took me a long time and it was not easy to find, but as I set foot on campus to visit and learn more I felt that sense of hope and magic. The limitless possibility of one's own creativity is the base of all that goes on at Emerson. There is a sense of real-world magic at Emerson. It is brought about by the students who have taken opportunities to explore those random acts of creative magic that set them apart, and turn them into something much more. I want to explore my own brand of magic, and reach my full potential. At long last, I hope to have the letter of acceptance that I have dreamed of.
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