Undergraduate /
'For whom would you risk it all?' - ESSAY FOR UCHICAGO [7]
First impressions:
This essay is beautifully written, poignant, and touching. You come across so strong that I do not think I will ever forget having read this, even as a random anonymous stranger over the internet. The story is incredibly powerful.
As for the risk, I would think of it this way: if you feel that you can get in writing a safer essay, do so because you don't know how this might rub someone in admissions who sees it much differently than I do. But if you think this essay will push you over, by all means, turn it in: it shows that who you are.
One paragraph that I might consider redoing:
Culminating in one night, I told her everything: how my heart was torn, that this was an intolerable, burdensome crucible on my back, how I could not turn a cheek to my best friend who needed me, that I only wanted what is best for her, and that I loved her, truly loved her, since the day we met. Enraged in passion, I gave her an intense ultimatum, "You can have all of me and take me for what I am, or none at all." Pride and helplessness aided her decision, and we have not spoken since. Just as easily as she came into my life, she disappeared from it.
The ultimatum makes you seem somewhat...childish? Maybe just say that your relationship wasn't the same after that or something. Also, maybe add a little bit on how you recognize her perspective; even though you do a very good job of showing how she feels, you don't really say anything about how you understand and accept that, which I think is crucial to developing this essay.
Overall though, no admissions officer will ever forget having read this essay, and I mean that in an extremely positive way.
