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Posts by wintahtimee
Joined: Dec 14, 2011
Last Post: Dec 15, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 10
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Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The word: eclectic' - Ga tech 5000 word essay [2]

This is definitely a memorable essay. I love the first sentence of the first paragraph. It definitely made me want to keep reading. I also really like your example of going to the market in Greece. Your last paragraph wraps things up nicely.

A few suggestions:

Some may see this as a disadvantage, being socially disconnected due to the fact that I was unable to communicate with anyone who did not speak English (or Arabic) in a country that predominantly spoke Greek.

After disadvantage, I would cut the rest of the sentence. It would be less wordy and stronger.

At first I was confused, I thought to myself

Change the comma to a period. Otherwise it's a run-on

"is there something wrong with the chicken? Had I done something wrong?"

Capitalize is. Consider removing "I thought to myself" and the quotations around the questions.

By the end of the year I was able to master all my classes to such an extent that most people could not guess that I had been educated in another language prior to entering an Arab classroom

This sentence is a bit wordy

but also because I had only been to America twice in my life prior to moving

Eliminate also and because

I would also try to stay away from starting sentences with Because and But and replace a lot with a different adjective when you use it. It's definitely correctly used, but it would strengthen your essay to eliminate them.

Overall, nice work. I enjoyed reading it :) If you could take a look at my essay, that would be great.
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'create technology' - What attracts you to the field of Engineering? Columbia. [9]

I read your other essay and this one is just as good as the first! I like how you insert an anecdote from your childhood and your passion for engineering really shines through. Make sure to get rid of contractions though because this is technically a formal essay.
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I don't know.' - Common app for Princeton, Columbia, Harvey [7]

I don't have many corrections to make besides the ones Manar did. This essay is great and you are definitely more of a writer than you think you are. Best of all, you answer this question well. Most times, people focus too much on the character and not enough on themselves, but you do an excellent job balancing both in your essay. Well done :)
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'how i was discriminated against on' - Georgia Tech [12]

I wouldn't worry at all. You're obviously smart enough and you have extra-curriculars that set you far apart from other candidates. Good luck and I hope you get in!
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shouldn't I type this instead?" - On handwriting - Commonapp essay [18]

Like others have said, I think this essay is beautiful. I am almost speechless because it says so much about you without you really talking about yourself if that makes any sense. It's also incredibly original so even if an admissions officer doesn't fully get the message, they'll still appreciate that you have creativity and intelligence to spare.
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'first inspiration came from my father' - U OF T APPLICATION [4]

I really like the examples you give like how you're quite the handyman and clubs you'd be interested in. As for explaining what you've learned from extra-curricular activities, try to stay away from the overused hard-work, dedication, ect. even if they are the easiest routes to follow. Maybe discuss how sports have led to quick thinking and decision making under pressure or something more original like that.

The biggest problem is the lack of capitalization of I's when you're referring to yourself. A few others: No semicolon after like. I would just write like the Campus for Christ... and not include the University of Toronto after each club. Also, "I came to understand the answers to these questions" would probably work better than "I came into realization to."

Overall, good job answering the question thoroughly. Hope this helps!
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Ben' - Common Application Essay, person who has had a significant influence on you. [9]

This essay is great. For English being your second tongue, I am incredibly impressed. I never would have guessed. I love how you decided to take a different approach to the topic and even though a person is not a piano, you have convinced me otherwise in this essay.

The one thing I would say is to change "I had wanted to play the piano ever since I was - well, I can't even remember." Since this should be a fairly formal essay, the "well" doesn't seem to work. Other than that, great job!
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "Why am I doing this?" - Essay About Risk-Taking With Two Stories [4]

*It's a first draft so there may be some spelling or grammar mistakes and choppiness, especially at the end. Please let me know if you think it works or not. Sorry about that and thank you for your time!

I picked up a purple crayon. The violet red one was my favorite, but violet blue would do. I started making loops that reminded me of little m's, just as I had seen my sister do. She always made such pretty pictures.

I got to my fourth loop before I stopped. My flower looked nothing like the ones my sister made. Hers looped around in a circle. Mine was just a line. I tried to fix it by coiling it back around in a second line. Despite my efforts, it still did not look right. I was too ashamed to concede defeat, so I colored it in anyways. Feeling slightly dejected, I handed it to my teacher. She told me it was the prettiest lilac she had ever seen. The red-hot feeling in my cheeks melted away. As it turns out, there is more than one way to draw a flower.

It was easy to be pleased with such a disappointment. My attempt may not have been successful, but that was my little secret. Even in kindergarten, I could always accept my failures, but struggled to admit them to others. It was why I hated reading aloud, team sports, and especially taking risks. If there was a chance I would draw attention to myself, I steered clear.

This ideology continued through middle and the beginning of high school. It was not until the end of my junior year that my reticence faded for a short window of time and I resolved to do what I would have previously considered the unspeakable: apply for a leadership position. This required a speech in front of my peers, all of whom would know if I failed.

Understandably, I was incredibly nervous the day of the speech. I was shaking before I even began speaking and the only thing that ran through my mind was "Why am I doing this?" It did not help much that the first words to leave my mouth were "Hi, my name is Kristen for those of you who don't know me and I am going to be a captain-I mean I am applying to be a captain because..." The remainder of my speech was filled with stutters and nervous movements. One of my friends told me later that he liked the assertiveness of my opening statement, but I was mortified. Needless to say, I did not receive the position.

I would have expected that such a defeat would have led me to seek refuge in my old ways. It was not like the undetected failure I had encountered as a child. This experience was more than enough proof that risk-taking would ultimately lead to humiliation and exposure to my flaws. I chastised myself endlessly, dwelling on my mistakes.

After a day of unwarrented self-deprecation, I told myself to move on. It seemed silly to me that these words would have any effect, but I soon found myself less afraid to make mistakes. Now, if I answer a question incorrectly, I think nothing of it. I can stumble over a word while talking in front of classmates and not let it deteriorate the remainder of my presentation. This acceptance of my imperfections is empowering. To put it in terms of my kindergarten experience, I no longer distinguish between lilacs and daisies, but see them all as flowers to be appreciated.