PandaNinja015
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / Unique, fun, community--Why Northwestern? [6]
I hate to echo the ideas of other, but I think the details of the actual advertisement doesn't flow well with the sentence about Weinberg College (though it did flow pretty well with the first sentence). And I like how the vivid image of the bird came into play at the end of the paragraph.
Red: My revision/reason(s) for the revision
While I have not yet had a chance to visit Northwestern,[I don't think it would benefit you to mention this.] I believe that I will be able to fit into the diverse community. I plan on participating in activities ranging from Dillo Day and The Marathon Dance to Intramurals and clubs. Apart from offering numerous campus activities, Northwestern also provides numerous off campus opportunities to students due to its proximity to Chicago. I want to go to Northwestern because not only does it have the type of learning environment I am looking for, but it also has the type of close-knit, diverse, fun, unique, and open-minded community I want to be a part of.
Actually, aside from that one thing, your essay has pretty solid ideas. However, I think the second paragraph lacks good transitions from one sentence to another. I thought it was a bit abrupt when you jumped from activities on campus (e.g. dance and clubs) to those off-campus.
I apologize if my comments and revisions weren't very helpful. Still pretty new to giving feedback.
I hate to echo the ideas of other, but I think the details of the actual advertisement doesn't flow well with the sentence about Weinberg College (though it did flow pretty well with the first sentence). And I like how the vivid image of the bird came into play at the end of the paragraph.
Red: My revision/reason(s) for the revision
Actually, aside from that one thing, your essay has pretty solid ideas. However, I think the second paragraph lacks good transitions from one sentence to another. I thought it was a bit abrupt when you jumped from activities on campus (e.g. dance and clubs) to those off-campus.
I apologize if my comments and revisions weren't very helpful. Still pretty new to giving feedback.