Posts by selloway

selloway

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Poetry consumes me' - My Common App Essay [7]

Sure! :)

1. I think because you are elaborating on your own experiences, it is okay. If you do want to change it, you may just want to rearrange your sentences so they don't consistently begin with I. For example: [I came across the World Food Program, a nonprofit organization that builds support in the United States to end global hunger.] --> When I came across the World Food Program, a nonprofit organization that builds support in the United States to end global hunger, the fire within me was fed.

2. I edited it for both of those reasons, actually.
3. Though not technically incorrect, this may confuse the reader if they are expecting a sequenced list. The sentence is a bit awkward if you're using and in the beginning and then listing three things instead of the common format of listing two things followed by "and" and a third item. However, if you like it how it is, it is acceptable as is.

4. To address the prompt more thoroughly, you might start with a quote from Bukowski instead of yourself. Also, in my understanding of the prompt, they are asking more about the character in the work rather than the author himself. I don't want you to have to change your whole essay, but it's something to consider. For the end of the second essay, you might elaborate on your progress in this project so far. Additionally, you might consider lengthening your essays. They say you have up to 1000 words, but you use only about 100 or so. Just a thought.

5. If you can, please consider reading over my essay and offering suggestions.

Thanks! Open to any more questions!

selloway

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / ' At this new school' - Education Interruption Essay- Common App [3]

thank you!

selloway

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Poetry consumes me' - My Common App Essay [7]

[The poem speaks of the light and how it is essential to seek it out, to take chances as they come, to refuse to give up.] --> The poem speaks of the light and how essential it is to seek it out, to take chances as they come, and refuse to give up.

[They began to take shape; rolling lyrically off the tongue, perfectly crafted around adjectives and simile.] --> They began to take shape; rolling lyrically off my tongue, perfectly crafted around adjectives and similes.

[Currently, after writing several pieces , I am seeking publication for my work.] --> After writing several pieces to be proud of, I am currently seeking publication of my work.

[Words filling me not only with hope, but also with incentive - the drive to go out and make everyday better.] --> These words fill me not only with hope, but with incentive - giving me the drive to go out and make everyday better.

[...in our lifetime." I began...] --> ...in our lifetime." I had to do something. I began...
[...garnering 500 non-perishable food items for my local food bank.] --> ...garnering 500 non-perishable items for the local food bank.

*If you have any questions, please just ask!

selloway

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I volunteered one afternoon' - MIT ESSAY [2]

At the opening of the essay, supply a time-frame as to when this occurred. (eg "During my sophomore year, I volunteered one afternoon a week...")

[...taken care of by the staff of the school.] --> ...taken care of by the staff at the school.
[Instead, my responsibility included taking Josh to the changing room, helping him to get dressed, taking him into the water and helping him get onto the bus] --> Instead, my responsibilities included taking Josh to the changing room, taking him into the water, and helping him get dressed and onto the bus

[None of my many previous experiences working with children had prepared me for this experience.] --> None of my previous involvement with children had prepared me for this experience.

[In the beginning, half the time was spent trying to get Josh to be comfortable so the therapy could start.] --> When I started volunteering, half of my time was spent just getting Josh comfortable enough for the therapy to start.

[This volunteer experience was difficult but I didn't give up.] --> This volunteer experience was difficult, but I didn't give up.
[I learned that Josh liked apple juice and he loved to be tickled and to laugh.] --> I learned that Josh liked apple juice and that he loved to be tickled and laugh.

[I worked hard at breaking the barrier between Josh and me and to gain his trust.] --> I worked hard to break the barrier between Josh and I to gain his trust.

[Sometimes, anxiety flare-ups occurred sometimes and he would scream and sometimes hit himself on his head.] --> Sometimes, anxiety flare-ups would occur and he would scream and hit himself on the head.

[I learnt that...] --> I learned that...
[Recently, I met Josh in an event where I was volunteering. I went to meet him and he immediately cheered up recognizing my voice.] --> Recently, I saw Josh at an event for which I was volunteering. When I went to greet him, he recognized my voice and immediately cheered up.

[The connection between us was there and I was very pleased that he felt it, too.] --> The connection we had formed previously was there and I was very pleased that he felt it too.

*If you have any questions, just ask!

selloway

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Hi, I'm You' - Ivy League Common App [3]

georgewang
At first glance, these changes could be considered:

[Not only did I not understand the language...] --> Not only was I unable to understand the language...
[You can imagine how terrifying the first day of preschool was for me.] --> lengthen the sentence to make it more relevant and help it increase flow as a transition in the paragraph.

[It was not until elementary school until it started to irritate me.] --> It was not until elementary school that it began to irritate me.

[I was about six or seven...] --> I was six or seven...
[It was just childish banter, but I could not stand it back then.] --> Now I realize it was just childish banter, but back then, I could not stand it.

[When my parents and I finally realized that no one, including adults, could withstand the hilarity of my name, we decided a name change would be appropriate.] --> When my parents and I finally realized that everyone, including adults, had trouble ignoring the unique hilarity of my name, we decided a name change would be appropriate.

[Now how did I choose George?] --> But you still may be wondering, why did I choose George?
[Ok, those were maybe not my first English words...] --> Okay, maybe those were not my first two English words...
[He was one of the first, great, American heroes...] --> He was one of the first great American heroes...
[At first, people found it difficult to call me something else...] --> At first, the people who had already known me found it difficult to call me something else...

[So to this day, I am still known as George. And to this day, I am still known to respond to someone calling me "you".] --> So to this day, I am still known as George. But to this day, I am also still known to respond to "you".

You may also want to consider strengthening the ending. However, good essay and impressive story! Good luck!

selloway

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / ' At this new school' - Education Interruption Essay- Common App [3]

This is my explanation for the common app as to why I switched schools 3 times and repeated junior year. Please! I welcome all feedback! Thanks in advance!

It seems that since I started high school, I was searching for a school that was a better fit, but in a town as small as mine, my options were less than plentiful- making this no easy task. Having been raised to care about my education, I was determined to be part of a learning community where success and excellence is encouraged for each individual. For some, this might have meant switching to an elite private school, but for me, it meant switching out. As with many things, the school I had attended bore great promise on paper, but in practice, things were not quite so perfect.

The first alternative I tried was a charter homeschool program in my area. Though I liked the program that semester and learned a lot, my mom just didn't have time to make lesson plans and maintain her hours at work in the following year and thus, I was re-enrolled in the private school. In the spring of the following year, 4 of my close cousins as well as 10 of their friends died when their plane crashed just 500 feet from the runway, leaving no survivors. To this day, we don't know what happened to cause such a tragic accident. Having never had such a calamity enter my life, the emotional collapse that followed was all too complete.

My grades dropped dramatically and my ambitions began to dissolve. I finished out the year, though just hardly, and when the next year began, things had only marginally improved. When the spring semester approached, though it was almost a year after the crash, I was still being affected almost every day. Life itself was a struggle. I again searched for an academic alternative, this time to be able to distance myself from a social world that was still too much to deal with. I took very few classes that semester, but kept myself engaged in many volunteer opportunities. It was a time for me to fully grieve and recover at last.

The following year, I was back on track with goals reinstated or reformed and ready to make an impact on my world. It was supposed to be my senior year, but when a close friend's mother told me of a new charter high school she had enrolled her daughters in and been quite impressed with, I was more than intrigued. The only problem was that the school wasn't going to enroll seniors until the following year. However, I talked it over with my parents and we decided that I could actually benefit greatly by re-taking my junior year and regaining the time I had lost to grief and tragedy.

At this new school, I found teachers who cared and a friendly student body motivated toward lifelong success. I had no reputation here and could really recreate myself as who I wanted to be. I have also had the opportunity to take two college classes each semester, making my repeated year quite worthwhile after all. The past year and a half at this school, appropriately named Inspire, has been better than I ever dreamed high school could be. I have learned so much academically, socially, and emotionally. And from all these changes, I have been able to find myself and better prepare for an exciting future that gets closer every day.