Undergraduate / NYU (online store + stern) [3]

Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

i already have a "why NYU" essay written so this one focuses on why i want to study at NYU stern. I think my last paragraph is weak but i did want to mention how i wanted to be in Stern Cares which is a club stern students can particpate in which you help those in need through business skills learned. But it seems like i may have randomly thrown it in there, any suggestions on my last paragraph??

What do most people do with their old clothes? Throw them away? Give them to a relative? When I was in the 9th grade, I decided to take a different route and started an online store.

Two weeks passed. I sold nothing. No wonder! After comparing my store with others online, I realized that my prices were outrageously high. Thus, with each passing day, I learned the aspects of a successful online store by reading blogs, watching videos and asking questions on forums. Whether it was a marketing strategy involving photography techniques or advice about customer service, I applied many strategies I had learned into my store. I managed to sell all my items and even gained a pleasing profit. However, I didn't want to stop. There was an excitement that followed running a business that I had never felt before! Over time, I expanded my inventory to include items imported from Korea, Japan, and China. I discovered a promising niche in the market; I began to offer stationary that catered to a concentrated group of customers from all over the world including Canada, England and Chile.

Running an online store has helped me realize my desire to focus my studies on business and I wish to pursue this education at NYU Stern. This school will not only provide me with opportunities to flourish in the business world but also experience that goes beyond coursework. I look forward to being a part of Stern Cares as it will help foster my passion for philanthropy as well as fulfill my career interests.

Undergraduate / 'Academy of Information Technology' -Carnegie Mellon Essay (business and technology) [2]

Please help me with the grammatical errors in my essay as well as any other suggestions you may have

My academic interests have always been rooted in both the technology and business field. There is an excitement and thrill that comes with the new knowledge and experiences I gain from participating in activities involving both subjects.

Since the beginning of high school, I have been enrolled in the Academy of Informaiton Technology (AOIT) at my school. My success, in the eighth grade, with learning HTML on my own and creating templates for over 5,000 subscribers on my webpage prompted me to expand my education into the world of technology. I took a computer class every year in high school to enrich skills in web development, graphic design, and programming. I went on to redevelop the AOIT website in my sophomore year, transforming the outdated, difficult-to-use website into a modern interface. To get the job done, I learned how to use a content management system called Joomla on my own, and also worked with teachers after school to create an effective wireframe. After several months, the new website was made public on our school's homepage. The improved accessibility of the website attracted many new visitors to the homepage, and I gained recognition from the faculty at school. This rewarding experience led me to continue exploring and seeking out opportunities to further develop my skills in the real world. Last summer, I worked at the National Park Services to help develop a new website for the capital region and currently, I am an IT intern at Powertek Corporation. I update the company's intranet and also work on creating a new, more efficient website for the employees to use. Through my four years in AOIT, I discovered my passion and came to the conclusion that I wanted to pursue an education in technology. I contemplated majoring in computer science. However, I realized that I could not neglect my other interest in the subject of business. OR I contemplated majoring in computer science, however, I realized that I could not neglect my other interest: business. (which sentence is better the first or second?)

In the 9th grade, I opened an online store after reading an article that mentioned it as a method to earn some extra cash. Too young for a job, I was overwhelmed with excitement by the prospect of large profits from selling my old clothes. Three weeks passed and I still sold nothing. After comparing my store with others online, I realized my prices were outrageously high. Although distraught, I was still determined to turn my store around. Thus, with each passing day, I learned the aspects of a successful online store by reading blogs, watching videos and asking questions on forums. Whether it was a marketing strategy that involved learning photography techniques or advice about customer service, I applied many things I had learned into my store. I managed to sell all my items and even gained a pleasing profit. Over time, I expanded my inventory to include items imported from Korea, Japan, and China. I discovered a promising niche in the market and began to offer stationary that catered to a concentrated group of customers from all over the world including Canada, England and Chile. Through this experience, I realized my desire to also pursue my studies in business.

I find that the Information Systems major fits me well because it integrates the use of both business and technology. The Information Systems Program at Carnegie Mellon gives me the flexibility to explore many unique academic opportunities and allows me to directly focus my studies on the areas of my interests. I enjoy the fact that the program participants are a very tightly knit community and that the faculty is very accessible with most professors offering office hours as well as the open door policy. In addition to time spent within the program, Carnegie Mellon also offers many events to create a sense of unity between all of the students. I look forward to getting acquainted with my classmates during Orientation week, especially on a Clippership cruise that explores Pittsburgh at its best. The Spring Carnival and The Fence exemplify that CMU is deeply rooted in time-honored traditions and I hope to participate and be a part of them every year. Carnegie Mellon provides the balance I need for a successful college career. It may be known for its rigorous workload and advanced curriculum but it takes place in a fun and relatively relaxed environment. With my major in Information Systems which amalgamates technology with business and a college home that integrates work with fun, I can truly say that I'll be experiencing the best of both worlds...twice!