Posts by puhahajk

puhahajk

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - People Watching [2]

First off, I'm not going to make any remarks with regards to grammar since everything seems pretty good, and nothing was unclear or incomprehensible.

The only thing I really want to tell you is that I feel like you're trying to show too much of yourself. You tend to digress a little bit here and there throughout the essay. for example, "It is this thought that causes me to evaluate my choices and actions constantly, and that makes me strive to be a better person." <- that is irrelevant unless u elaborate further, and I don't think that's the point of this essay, is it?

Also, I personally feel like you could do away with "I don't think it's possible to hate someone if you watch them long enough." because it brings up a subjective opinion that isn't totally relevant, at least in my opinion, to the rest of the essay. I do admit that it is a nice little transitory sentence to connect the sentences before and after it.

"I think this is why I love to meet new people and try new things" Here, you don't really need the "and try new things" because you've been talking about people all this time and it seems like you just threw the new things in there to back up your "insatiable curiosity" when curiosity doesn't really have to be that general and broad of a term.

Lastly, with this: "I've noticed this curiosity be reflected in my artwork; hidden and contained emotions are a major theme to my studies; in my music taste, which is as diverse as the people I surround myself with, and in my drive to reach out across an ocean to discover and learn: to further my education and try to satisfy my hunger to know.", I'd say get rid of the artwork and the music portions. Those are completely irrelevant. This is actually the part where I decided firmly that you were sort of all over the place with the essay.

The content is great and I love how you reveal that you like people-watching, but the essay as a whole is not really focused on anything. I commented under the assumption that your focus was your love for psychology and people, but not being you, I can't know that for sure. So I'd suggest that you really only talk about one major thing, and don't throw in all the random things that are kinda pertinent but not pertinent enough. Keep in focused, and limit & omit the digressions.

Sorry if I sounded a little harsh, but I just wanted to help make a good essay a great one!

P.S. - Everything I said it is up to you to either take or leave :)

puhahajk

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'something about musical theatre' - Expand on one of your extracurriculars. [4]

"Something about working hours a day for just a few on stage" is unclear... and as for the parallel, you could probably get rid of the "about"s and turn "expressing emotions" into "the expression of emotions". Btw, it might have been an idiomatic choice, but you do realize that in that sentence, there isn't a working verb right?

"I was forced to face down" the word "down" is probably not necessary & maybe find a different word for "face"?

"So for me," could probably just be "For me,"

Overall, though, great essay. I know it's only a 1000 character essay, but if you could make it a little more personal, maybe with a very short anecdote, I could see it becoming even better.

puhahajk

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Statement Essay - Small Talk [2]

This is my essay for the 250-500 word essay for the Common Application.

As you may know, there isn't really a set topic to this essay. So here goes:

"How are you?"
For me, this used to be one of the most difficult questions to answer. Small talk is impulsive. It's something that comes naturally to native speakers. Consequently, most people who are faced with the question answer it easily and quickly, usually just with an "I'm good" or a "Same old". I, on the other hand, couldn't do this until a couple of years ago.

Due to my upbringing in Korea, I was unfamiliar with the day-to-day cultural and habitual differences between Koreans and Americans. In Korea, when you encounter someone, all you need to do is briefly acknowledge the person. Depending on the person, a short "Annyeonghaseyo" with a bow, or even just an "Annyeong" will suffice. The small talk is neither anticipated nor normal.

Contrary to that, in the States, small talk is something that is expected and deemed polite in every short encounter between two or more people. Until I started attending my current high school, Flintridge Prep, I was unable to meet this expectation. Prior to Prep, I was always surrounded by fellow Koreans, so I was not even aware of this anticipation. However, at Prep, pretty much everyone is very familiar with the American culture. As a result, the question "How are you?" was relentlessly thrown my way, and I could never come up with a proper answer on the spot. Sometimes I hesitated before mumbling something unintelligible. Other times, the person would walk past me before I had a chance to even mumble, and I just ended up unintentionally ignoring him. My intentions were never to be rude; I just couldn't spit something comprehensible out in that brief moment. The question always caught me off guard.

One day, I witnessed the president of my class talking to the dean of students, the intimidating teacher that every student at school fears. Nonchalantly, he struck up a casual conversation with a "Hi, how are you?" Suddenly, I got the urge to do the same. I wanted to feel comfortable interacting with anyone I wished to. From that day on, I constantly kept the phrase "I'm good" in my head; in the halls, during lunch, before and after school. I promised myself that I would establish an impetuous reaction to the question I dreaded, regardless of how I actually felt at the moment. Soon enough, I found myself replying "I'm good" whenever someone asked me how I was. No more awkward moments and stares! However, I then wanted to go a step further. Believing that honesty is important even in small talk, I wanted to reply truthfully. Instead of claiming "I'm good" all the time, I decided I would express my true feelings. In time, I was able to comfortably face the previously feared question, from whomever, whenever. Nowadays, I can even ask the question back, "and you?"

Thanks in advance!!