This is my response to the Common App Essay... I think it fits under the 'Topic of your Choice' prompt, as I can't seem to link it to any of the others... Looking to get rid of 124 characters, so strong criticism is welcome!! I AM SUBMITTING THIS TOMORROW PLEASE HELP!!
Crisp winter air made me grateful for the seat above the radiator of the coffee shop as I sipped from the paper cup before me. Staring through the window of my hideaway, I was captured by the town. The buildings of Stafford have forever impressed me: old and beautiful; majestic; grand; but that day the architecture was not what held my gaze. Instead, I sat and watched the flow of faces pass by the glass in front of mine and began to imagine the stories they hide.
I've always loved watching people, silently observing, making mental notes; inventing stories, lives, reasons. If you watch a person long enough you start to see the things that compose them. A slight twitch. A nervous tic. A shifting gaze. Or that tiny smile that plays across their lips when they think of somebody else: things that they do when they think nobody's looking. It's these secret things that intrigue me. I find something fascinating about looking at someone and actually seeing them, and knowing that they harbor so many stories and worlds beneath vacant expressions. I wonder about their lives and ponder my own: What do people see when I don't think they're looking? What is it they notice first? Which attributes compose me? It is this thought that causes me to evaluate my choices and actions constantly, and that makes me strive to be a better person.
I can sit in that coffee shop for hours. Oblivious to my observations people continue to pass, showing glimpses of themselves without realizing. I don't think it's possible to hate someone if you watch them long enough. Once you begin to see the things they keep only for them, their worlds begin to reveal themselves.
Although, watching can only divulge so much; to truly discover a person, one must do more than simply look at them. I think this is why I love to meet new people and try new things; I am powered by an insatiable curiosity. I yearn to discover more, to learn more, not only about people and their personal worlds, but about the world I live in; the world around me. It's this endless fascination with people: how they think; how they act; what they hide; what they don't, that compelled me to study psychology at A-Level. The depth and wonder of the human mind never ceases to amaze me and keep me incredibly interested in the people, and world, around me.
I've noticed this curiosity be reflected in my artwork; hidden and contained emotions are a major theme to my studies; in my music taste, which is as diverse as the people I surround myself with, and in my drive to reach out across an ocean to discover and learn: to further my education and try to satisfy my hunger to know.
So yeah, I need to shorten it...please help!
and also, should I give it a title? or not?
First off, I'm not going to make any remarks with regards to grammar since everything seems pretty good, and nothing was unclear or incomprehensible.
The only thing I really want to tell you is that I feel like you're trying to show too much of yourself. You tend to digress a little bit here and there throughout the essay. for example, "It is this thought that causes me to evaluate my choices and actions constantly, and that makes me strive to be a better person." <- that is irrelevant unless u elaborate further, and I don't think that's the point of this essay, is it?
Also, I personally feel like you could do away with "I don't think it's possible to hate someone if you watch them long enough." because it brings up a subjective opinion that isn't totally relevant, at least in my opinion, to the rest of the essay. I do admit that it is a nice little transitory sentence to connect the sentences before and after it.
"I think this is why I love to meet new people and try new things" Here, you don't really need the "and try new things" because you've been talking about people all this time and it seems like you just threw the new things in there to back up your "insatiable curiosity" when curiosity doesn't really have to be that general and broad of a term.
Lastly, with this: "I've noticed this curiosity be reflected in my artwork; hidden and contained emotions are a major theme to my studies; in my music taste, which is as diverse as the people I surround myself with, and in my drive to reach out across an ocean to discover and learn: to further my education and try to satisfy my hunger to know.", I'd say get rid of the artwork and the music portions. Those are completely irrelevant. This is actually the part where I decided firmly that you were sort of all over the place with the essay.
The content is great and I love how you reveal that you like people-watching, but the essay as a whole is not really focused on anything. I commented under the assumption that your focus was your love for psychology and people, but not being you, I can't know that for sure. So I'd suggest that you really only talk about one major thing, and don't throw in all the random things that are kinda pertinent but not pertinent enough. Keep in focused, and limit & omit the digressions.
Sorry if I sounded a little harsh, but I just wanted to help make a good essay a great one!
P.S. - Everything I said it is up to you to either take or leave :)
