Undergraduate / George Washington High School Drum Corps - personal quality, talent [3]

The following is my second prompt, please help me check for grammar mistakes and ensure my essay is clearly expressing my message. Thank you!

Prompt Two:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

For the past three years, I have been diligently working as a member of the George Washington High School Drum Corps. My dedication helped me to achieve my goal of becoming the commander of the Drum Corps in my junior year. I led a team of 15 freshmen and was responsible to recruit new members, set up fundraisers, and conduct practices for public performances and competitions. Often times, it gave me headaches when things did not go as I planned. However, I am glad that I accepted this challenge because as a result I became more responsible and confident in every aspect of my life.

Once I became the commander, I realized that there was a completely different role for me to play on this team. I would need to take direct responsibility for everything my team does or fails to do. Therefore, I always prepared ahead of time. For me, the main responsibility of being the team leader was to ensure the performance's success and every member learns from experience. To do so, I dedicated my personal time for the team's interest. During lunch, I transcribed the music notes and created drill formations for my practice agenda that week. It is difficult to transcribe the songs. However, with a limited amount of knowledge from a City College piano class I took in the summer, I still putted in my best effort for perfection. This was not for showing off my musical talent, but rather for completing a commitment that I made to my members. Incompletion of a commitment would be a failure of leadership and no trust would lie between my team and me. I could not afford a single one of these failures. Therefore, I used both my words and actions to gain their respect, trust, and support.

Drilling in blazing hot days and wearing ten pounds of equipments was not easy for the freshmen. Often times I heard many complaints that made me worry. I feared that if one person complains about wanting to quit the team, the team's morale would crash, and the rest might follow. I had to overcome my fear and stand in the front of the line to lead my members by example. In order to gain their trust, I had to completely trust myself. Therefore, I ignored my fear immediately and acted as the team's first role model to overcome all obstacles. Besides, when I noticed members are in a bad mood, I would sit next to them, pat them on the shoulders and give a confident smile. Sometimes it worked better than any other encouragements because I had become a trustworthy friend of theirs since the first day of practice. The support was well understood. This made me to believe I must be confident in order to help others and myself to face any challenges in life.

I am always proud and happy to see the outstanding performances under my responsible supervision. Seeing each one of the freshmen growing from every lesson that I demonstrated is the greatest accomplishment I have ever achieved. During the past three years of my Drum Corps commander experience, I have learned that having a team of 15 freshmen was not a misfortune, spending time to do work at lunch was not a big deal, and fear was not a barrier to keep one away from what he or she wants to be. With the confidence of believing in myself and the sense of responsibility, I believe that everything can be made possible in my entire life. I am ready for the challenges in my future.

Undergraduate / "I grew". I always needed to take a deep breathe to enter my school's entrance [2]

Prompt One:

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Until the age of thirteen, I was educated in a small town in southern China. Under the Chinese government's Educational-Focus policy, rules were strictly enforced in both my schools and everyday life to maintain the government's standard form of social value and morality. Expressions of different opinions rarely appeared because often time these opinions were considered immoral or revolutionary by the government.

Under such an atmosphere, I always needed to take a deep breathe to enter my school's entrance. Seeing Students maintained seated straight on the chairs with eyes on their teacher during the whole period was the daily routine. This reminded me of first time raising my hand and expressing my opinion on student physical punishment done to my peers. I wept and misbehaved to gather my parents' attention to my voice. However, my parents ignored me because our cultural theory of "No pain, no gain" was well spread over the society. The pressure of obedience to strict rules and parents' misunderstanding made me kept all the true feelings within my heart and perhaps I only shared it to myself when I was alone. I lived up my life as a coward who could not be honest to his own feelings. Since then, being honest to my feelings had become a hidden dream in my heart.

The dream remained hidden until my high school senior year as a staff officer in the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps (JROTC). Since the School Board phased out the JROTC program in 2006, I was appointed to take charge of organizing campaigns, speaking in public hearing meetings, and interviewing with TV programs to advertise Proposition V, which stated to reinstate the program in the public high schools. Carrying on this burden was very difficult, especially when there were anti-military organization's verbal discouragements. However, I did not back up as I was five years ago because I hated being dishonest to my feelings. I knew I must be honest to myself in order to grow, or else I was no difference with yesterday's coward. A little of verbal attack could not stop me from pursuing my individual democracy and education in this country; rather it stimulated me to stand up for my opinion stronger.

As a result of our diligent campaigns, Proposition V passed with 52 percent in favored on the day of the election. Throughout these experiences, I further confirmed who I am as a person and ought to be honest and proud of living this way. One can not move ahead without knowing and accepting oneself. I have gone through this process earlier than others and this is my best advantage for building a successful future.