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George Washington High School Drum Corps - personal quality, talent


hahaha 2 / 1  
Nov 28, 2008   #1
The following is my second prompt, please help me check for grammar mistakes and ensure my essay is clearly expressing my message. Thank you!

Prompt Two:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

For the past three years, I have been diligently working as a member of the George Washington High School Drum Corps. My dedication helped me to achieve my goal of becoming the commander of the Drum Corps in my junior year. I led a team of 15 freshmen and was responsible to recruit new members, set up fundraisers, and conduct practices for public performances and competitions. Often times, it gave me headaches when things did not go as I planned. However, I am glad that I accepted this challenge because as a result I became more responsible and confident in every aspect of my life.

Once I became the commander, I realized that there was a completely different role for me to play on this team. I would need to take direct responsibility for everything my team does or fails to do. Therefore, I always prepared ahead of time. For me, the main responsibility of being the team leader was to ensure the performance's success and every member learns from experience. To do so, I dedicated my personal time for the team's interest. During lunch, I transcribed the music notes and created drill formations for my practice agenda that week. It is difficult to transcribe the songs. However, with a limited amount of knowledge from a City College piano class I took in the summer, I still putted in my best effort for perfection. This was not for showing off my musical talent, but rather for completing a commitment that I made to my members. Incompletion of a commitment would be a failure of leadership and no trust would lie between my team and me. I could not afford a single one of these failures. Therefore, I used both my words and actions to gain their respect, trust, and support.

Drilling in blazing hot days and wearing ten pounds of equipments was not easy for the freshmen. Often times I heard many complaints that made me worry. I feared that if one person complains about wanting to quit the team, the team's morale would crash, and the rest might follow. I had to overcome my fear and stand in the front of the line to lead my members by example. In order to gain their trust, I had to completely trust myself. Therefore, I ignored my fear immediately and acted as the team's first role model to overcome all obstacles. Besides, when I noticed members are in a bad mood, I would sit next to them, pat them on the shoulders and give a confident smile. Sometimes it worked better than any other encouragements because I had become a trustworthy friend of theirs since the first day of practice. The support was well understood. This made me to believe I must be confident in order to help others and myself to face any challenges in life.

I am always proud and happy to see the outstanding performances under my responsible supervision. Seeing each one of the freshmen growing from every lesson that I demonstrated is the greatest accomplishment I have ever achieved. During the past three years of my Drum Corps commander experience, I have learned that having a team of 15 freshmen was not a misfortune, spending time to do work at lunch was not a big deal, and fear was not a barrier to keep one away from what he or she wants to be. With the confidence of believing in myself and the sense of responsibility, I believe that everything can be made possible in my entire life. I am ready for the challenges in my future.

ChristineB - / 108 55  
May 24, 2015   #2
Hi, hahaha. Here are some suggestions:

My dedication helped me to achieve my goal of becoming the commander of the Drum Corps in my junior year. I led a team of 15 freshmen and was responsible toforrecruitrecruiting new members, setsetting up fundraisers, and conductconducting practices for public performances and competitions. Often timesOftentimes , it gave me headaches when things did not go as I had planned. However, I am glad that I accepted this challenge, however, because as a result I becameit helped me learn how to be a more responsible and confident person.in every aspect of my life.

______________________________________________

Once I became the commander, I realized that there was a completely different role for me to play on this teamMy role as commander was completely different than it was when I was simply a member . I hadwould need to take direct responsibility for everything mythe team doesdid or failsfailed to do.

_____________________________________________

For me, theMy main responsibility of being theas team leader was to ensure that eachthe performance'sperformance was a success. I knew how important it was for members to learn from experience, soand every member learns from experience. To do so, I dedicated my personal time for the team's interest. During lunch,I transcribedtranscribingthe music notes and createdcreating drill formations for mythe weekly practice agenda that week . Transcribing songs can be difficult, but I used what I had learned fromIt is difficult to transcribe the songs. However, with a limited amount of knowledge from a summer City College piano class I took in the summer, I still putted in my best effort for perfectionto do my best(I think you could omit this sentence - I don't think it adds much.) . This was not for showing off my musical talent, but rather for completing a commitment that I made to my members. Incompletion of a commitment would be a failure of leadership and no trust would lie between my team and me. I could not afford a single one of these failures.Therefore, I used both my words and actions to demonstrate my commitment and leadership to the team, and, in doing so, gainedgain theirits respect, trust, and support.

___________________________________________

That's a start anyway. I hope that has helped you some!
Didgeridoo - / 306 191  
May 28, 2015   #3
I think it's been a while since hahaha made that essay, lol. But good feedback!
thutyedaniel 32 / 38 17  
May 29, 2015   #4
Hi, @hahaha

Therefore, I led in a team of 15 freshmen and it was responsible to recruit new members, set up fundraisers (delete ,) and conduct practices for public performances and competitions.

However, I am glad that I accepted this challenge because (what?) as a result I became more responsible and confident in every aspect of my life.


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