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Posts by enodebe
Joined: Dec 31, 2011
Last Post: Dec 31, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: Nigeria

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enodebe   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'middle-class Asian Bengali American of Long-Island' - Rice essay [6]

Not a bad essay. Your content is very good. you just have to improve the grammar and structure. I have helped as much as I can. Above is a correction and restructure of your essay. It is what I think will make it better.

I am best described as a typical middle-class Bengali american of long-island. My family moved to the USA last year. So, basically I faced an extreme deference of culture which affected my every step. One the other hand, this change of culture gave me something that I never had before. The traditional classical music of America helped me to acknowledge the culture of the USA, which was quite impossible without it. Music and Bengali culture is a big part of my life, so naturally I find that a lot of the traits making me Susmita are evident in the forms of music I love.

"Music is my life, it is a reflection of what I go through," the quote of Lenny Kravitz helped me to understand what I am. My music is a reflection of me and my tradition that I brought from Bangladesh. At the age of 5, my mother discovered me singing. The musical journey through my culture came to pass from that time. Asian-Bengali culture is one of the most ancient cultures of world's history. Religious beliefs and tradition play the lead role of Bengali society. From a very early age I learned about Bengali culture through my first step in classical music. I participated in a classical song competition for the first time at the age of 11, impressing the judges and receiving first prize. One of the judges came to me and said, "I want to see you as a renowned classical singer one day." From that day the passion of music revolved in me, and I learnt to be passionate about anything. I have competed in many competitions where I attained traits such as being responsible, fighting challenges, striving for excellence, and these traits helped me to be a skillful competitor as well as a better human being. Singing isn't just a huge part of my schedule, it's a huge part of me. I have put time and effort into learning different music. The culture of Bengali society as well as American society helped me to develop as a determinate, passionate, disciplined and responsible person in life trough music. These traits of mine allow me to enjoy life.

My perspective of studying engineering has the impacts of my culture. "Knowledge defines one's strength" this proverb of Hinduism, the religion that I have faith in, is a guide of my way to excellence. This created a passion for learning progressively in me. The religious and traditional festivals I have experienced also have significant influences in my life which accomplished a strong personality of me. "Dewali," which is also known as the festival of lights, represents hope and this is my most favorite religious festival. I'm from a culture which teaches to be disciplined in life. In one piece of my life I learned to be disciplined. The enthusiasm of learning new things increased my desire for knowledge.

Music is the reflection of my culture and tradition, and my culture and tradition is the refection of who I am. It's been a year since I left Bangladesh, but the effect of that glorious culture has preserved the traits of being a good person in life. When I came in touch with the American culture, I observed the beauty of this culture. I joined the piano class to learn more about this culture. While taking the time to fulfill my responsibilities, I will always save some time to do the things I love, like singing or playing piano.

Rice University is one of the most renowned universities in the USA. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. Music and Bengali culture are some crucial factor of my mindset. I will be honored to contribute my culture and experiences to such a prestigious university as Rice.

Not a bad essay. Your content is very good. you just have to improve the grammar and structure. I have helped as much as I can. Above is a correction and restructure of your essay. It is what I think will make it better.
enodebe   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the colors of my Chinese-American upbringing' - Rice Essay [6]

A very good essay. I think you should type in the essay topic so that we could help you better.
Maybe a few changes could be made here and there. At some point you should say 'orange represents...' or 'red represents... ' and not just 'red is'

Also ' I was nine when I received my first set of Prismacolors, 150 pencils in a variety of enticing hues such as terracotta, pale vermillion, and peacock blue that lent themselves to all sorts of fantastical creations.'

You might also have to modify the essay each time you have to use it for different schools as not all school essays are exactly the same. I am not a good writer but I recognize a good essay when I see one. You should use this essay.
enodebe   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'electronic devices' + 'survival training' university of illinois(urbana-champaign) [2]

First essay: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

>I have always been curios to know how different electronic devices worked. Even at a young age, I would often be caught disassembling some household appliance just to satisfy my thirst for knowledge. As I grew older, this curiosity expanded to encompass new things I learnt about. It was therefore not difficult for me to pick engineering as my choice of college major.

Growing up, I was always told that I could accomplish anything I set my eyes to as long as I never give up. I never forgot this and so I followed this advice. I made sure to never give up and always be determined in everything I do. I persevered in all things I did ranging from sports to academics to community service. So long as it was a challenge, I faced it with determination and most of the time conquered it.

My past experiences have also helped shape my character. I have gone through survival programmes, religious retreats, community service and others. These experiences have helped shape my attitude to life. As such, I am a disciplined, independent individual.

Second essay: In an essay of 300 words or less, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of your that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.

>Survival Training
During my 11th grade, i participated in a programme organised by the government. It was meant to imbibe in us, the skills necessary to survive in the wilderness. This programme lasted for about 2 weeks. During this training, we were to learn skills that would be beneficial to our survival when stranded.

We started our days with early morning jogging. This was to develop our endurance. During the course of the day, we participated in different activities such as rope climbing and walking, mountain climbing, canoeing and other strenuous activities. We also learnt skills such as rope tying techniques.

Apart from this, we also developed different aspects of our character. Someone new was always assigned as team leader each day. This gave us the opportunity to Have the experience of working under a superior as well as the being the leader of the team. Most activities involved either working alone or in a group. Hence I learnt to be independent as well as being a team player.

Please help. I am not really a good writer so I need some help before i submit tomorrow.
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