Pen Name
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 - ""Are you two twins?" [5]
- Does it flow? (good transitions)
You have a very distinguished style and it is portrayed quite vividly in your writing.
- Am I using enough advanced vocabulary?
Although the vocabulary usage in this essay shows that you have outstanding control of the language, I would recommend you avoid being too "wordy". Remember, the colleges are not looking for clever wordplay;instead, they want to see if you are able to write about what you love and why you love it in a concise manner.
- Is there an obvious structure?
I don't really know what to say about structure; though it did seem like a bit too "storyish".
- Did I answer the prompt?
Personally, I liked your creative approach to this prompt, but it felt as if I was reading a fictitious story. "Over time, my desire to improve lives, not just my brother's, has subconsciously materialized until it became one of the most prominent foci of my intentions for the future, or even this very instant." You provided great introspection--a noteworthy mention--but I felt that you've only answered the prompt in this single sentence. Elaborate on this rather than state it and change topics. This can work to your advantage :D
- Did you think the "conversation" approach was effective?
How do you determine a well-written essay? By the first sentence. My English teacher always tell me that if the reader cannot grasp an understanding of what your message is in the first two or three sentences, then it is a bad essay. You write beautifully, but the dialogue in your essay does kind of overshadow the overall message. Ending it with a dialogue added to the whole story book feel. In prompt one, the colleges basically want to know how your world influenced your aspirations and how much work you've put towards achieving it.
- Does it flow? (good transitions)
You have a very distinguished style and it is portrayed quite vividly in your writing.
- Am I using enough advanced vocabulary?
Although the vocabulary usage in this essay shows that you have outstanding control of the language, I would recommend you avoid being too "wordy". Remember, the colleges are not looking for clever wordplay;instead, they want to see if you are able to write about what you love and why you love it in a concise manner.
- Is there an obvious structure?
I don't really know what to say about structure; though it did seem like a bit too "storyish".
- Did I answer the prompt?
Personally, I liked your creative approach to this prompt, but it felt as if I was reading a fictitious story. "Over time, my desire to improve lives, not just my brother's, has subconsciously materialized until it became one of the most prominent foci of my intentions for the future, or even this very instant." You provided great introspection--a noteworthy mention--but I felt that you've only answered the prompt in this single sentence. Elaborate on this rather than state it and change topics. This can work to your advantage :D
- Did you think the "conversation" approach was effective?
How do you determine a well-written essay? By the first sentence. My English teacher always tell me that if the reader cannot grasp an understanding of what your message is in the first two or three sentences, then it is a bad essay. You write beautifully, but the dialogue in your essay does kind of overshadow the overall message. Ending it with a dialogue added to the whole story book feel. In prompt one, the colleges basically want to know how your world influenced your aspirations and how much work you've put towards achieving it.
