Undergraduate /
'disciplinary lessons' - Tufts - Short Answer [6]
I have always been surrounded by
a lot(1.) of people, and I am blessed that
there were so many(2.) individuals cared for me and taught me the essential lessons in life.
From(3.) my parents, for example, I learned more of the disciplinary lessons like respecting elders, being polite, studying hard, never giving up, etc.
From(3.) other people that surrounded me: teachers, baby sitters, mentors, and friends, I learned lessons
like(6.)
sharing, giving,(7.) and being friendly.
Of course my parents taught me the lessons that my teachers and peers taught me and vice versa, but it was obvious which lessons each group stressed.(4.) Because I was influenced by so
many people(1.), I have embodied the
different(5.) ideals of those that surround me and have grown to truly become a "people person." As cliché as it may sound, I would never be the person I am today if it were not for those dear to my heart.
1.) Be more specific. Instead of an adjective that describes the amount of people, use an adjective that describes what type of people, were they diverse, were they jerks, were they amusing? Or use more than one adjective.
2.) (Many of those) Replace with this sentence
3.) Try not to start sentences with "From." It causes issues with flow. (Check bottom paragraph)
4.) This sentence is not necessary and doesn't develop the essay at all. The most you can gain from that sentence is that people stressed important lessons. Make the sentence shorter or check my suggestion on the bottom paragraph.
5.) Try an adjective that describes what type of ideals. Use the word "positive."
6.) You don't have to put "like" here because you already said "for example."
7.) "Sharing" and "Giving" seem redundant. Get rid of one or add another word.
My Example and End Result: (Try this, modify as you please.)
I have always been surrounded by devoted and concerned people, and I am blessed that many of those individuals cared for me and taught me the essential lessons in life. For example, my parents taught me disciplinary lessons: respecting elders, being polite, studying hard, never giving up, etc. Other people that surrounded me, teachers, baby sitters, mentors, and friends, taught me lessons like sharing, being involved, and being friendly. Both groups stressed the lessons they wanted me to embrace the most. Because I was influenced by these concerned individuals, I have embodied the positive ideals of those that surround me and have grown to truly become a "people person." As cliché as it may sound, I would never be the person I am today if it were not for those dear to my heart.
Ok so here's my opinion on your essay as a whole:
Your essay is fine as it is, however, it needs an edge. Unless you truly live in the ideal environment and things have gone so smoothly for you that you've never had any problems then this essay is great, but how about you try and incorporate something that shows how you overcame a struggle in your community that developed you as a person. It makes you seem more realistic when you show that you have struggled. And honestly, it wouldn't take that long. Just add one or two sentences that show either: What your community has taught you and how you've used it (This shows your school how you've truly been shaped) OR How your community taught you a lesson (This shows the school your struggle and makes you seem more realistic.)
