cabotbp
Jan 19, 2012
cabotbp
Jan 19, 2012
cabotbp
Jan 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'become intimate with him/her' - Common Application [2]
, I heard their ineffable debacles, including rapes and brutal assaults. From this unique opportunity, I became more aware of individual's difference and their different perspectives. Most importantly, thorough understanding of one's circumstance is required to become intimate with him/her.
This closing just sounds awkward and there are numerous grammatical errors. Also, it sounds like some of the larger words weren't used correctly. This does sound like a good idea for an essay though! Try asking some english teachers or other adults.
, I heard their ineffable debacles, including rapes and brutal assaults. From this unique opportunity, I became more aware of individual's difference and their different perspectives. Most importantly, thorough understanding of one's circumstance is required to become intimate with him/her.
This closing just sounds awkward and there are numerous grammatical errors. Also, it sounds like some of the larger words weren't used correctly. This does sound like a good idea for an essay though! Try asking some english teachers or other adults.
cabotbp
Jan 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I worked diligently in school' - Common App Transfer Essay - Education [11]
You seem like a very gifted reader but this doesn't come across as making you sound like that good of a student.. Brag about yourself a little more instead of talking too much about how bad the other students were!
You seem like a very gifted reader but this doesn't come across as making you sound like that good of a student.. Brag about yourself a little more instead of talking too much about how bad the other students were!
cabotbp
Jan 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I am naturally selfish' - college application [6]
Hey guys, i've written an essay for my application to George Mason University and wanted to ask for any and all help or advice.
The topic is "In approximately 250 words please tell about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community." Below is my response.
As a human being, I am naturally selfish. Stitched within my framework is a burning desire to satisfy one thing. My needs. For the majority of my life, I truly believed that the sole purpose of my existence was to satisfy myself with material possessions. I believed that these things would bring me happiness. I had no idea what happiness really was.
Last year, my mother asked if I'd be interested in volunteering on Thanksgiving with The Good Shepherd Alliance which provides clothing to the underprivileged. I agreed to go, but thought only of how this would look on my college resume. Upon arriving, I was as interested as my little sister would be at an Aerosmith concert. It was then we were taken to a line to help give jackets to children.
To my friends I'm a tough guy, but hugging those kids after they received a hand-me-down jacket like it was a designer brand was enough to tear down any façade of toughness I was seeking to project. Unlike me, who was stricken with an insatiable lust for material things, they were truly content with what they'd been given. Coming home, I thought about the people I'd given "gifts" to.
I can truly say that on that Thanksgiving, it was me who received the real gift. From that experience, the people in my community taught me that material possessions aren't what constitute self-worth. These families found their identity in each other, through the love they shared. The utter happiness and gratitude I saw that day will never leave me.
Hey guys, i've written an essay for my application to George Mason University and wanted to ask for any and all help or advice.
The topic is "In approximately 250 words please tell about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community." Below is my response.
As a human being, I am naturally selfish. Stitched within my framework is a burning desire to satisfy one thing. My needs. For the majority of my life, I truly believed that the sole purpose of my existence was to satisfy myself with material possessions. I believed that these things would bring me happiness. I had no idea what happiness really was.
Last year, my mother asked if I'd be interested in volunteering on Thanksgiving with The Good Shepherd Alliance which provides clothing to the underprivileged. I agreed to go, but thought only of how this would look on my college resume. Upon arriving, I was as interested as my little sister would be at an Aerosmith concert. It was then we were taken to a line to help give jackets to children.
To my friends I'm a tough guy, but hugging those kids after they received a hand-me-down jacket like it was a designer brand was enough to tear down any façade of toughness I was seeking to project. Unlike me, who was stricken with an insatiable lust for material things, they were truly content with what they'd been given. Coming home, I thought about the people I'd given "gifts" to.
I can truly say that on that Thanksgiving, it was me who received the real gift. From that experience, the people in my community taught me that material possessions aren't what constitute self-worth. These families found their identity in each other, through the love they shared. The utter happiness and gratitude I saw that day will never leave me.
