You seem like a very gifted reader but this doesn't come across as making you sound like that good of a student.. Brag about yourself a little more instead of talking too much about how bad the other students were!
Haha thanks cabotbp, let me see what I can do.
Corrections:
Valentine's Day, 2007. I sat inside the Miami Jackson Senior High office while my mom turned in all the documents for transferring students.
SEE BELOW
Please help! :/
I like your essay. But would you mind I fix it after 12am? Because my college's deadline is today. And I have to finish something. Sorry. I will give the comments later.
Yes, no problem!
Valentine's Day, 2007. I sat inside the Miami Jackson Senior High office while my mom turned in all the documents for transferring students. I was a bit disappointed to attend Miami Jackson; the time spent at William H. Turner Technical High School seemed promising. The professors were tremendous, the students were passionate, and I had the opportunity to learn about film for four years. Miami Jackson just seemed like any other high school. But I was wrong. The conditions were much more severe than "any other high school."
The school seemed to have been left behind by the education system. Regardless, I worked diligently on my studies. The library became my home; it was my safe house from the pressures the inner city brought. I realized that if I wanted to receive a quality education, I would have to do it on my own. This self-motivation led me to earn the top GPA in my grade. However, that small achievement seemed to be eclipsed by the conditions all my peers and I were facing. In my 10th grade year, the school placed me in AP Physics, despite the fact that I was clearly unprepared for that level. I spoke with the physics teacher to receive some clarification. Only one student was qualified to take the course, he told me, but they needed more to keep it open. So I remained in the physics class, attempting to grasp everything I possibly could. Once the professor assigned the class to design a catapult. I spent that weekend crafting my trebuchet on paper. I sat the following class, ready to turn in my design, but he never asked for it. I approached him afterwards, where he said "oh, Karla, I didn't think anyone would actually do it. Thank you, though."
Those 3˝ years I spent in Miami Jackson truly changed my perspective about opportunities. I graduated high school with the idea of moving education forward; of figuring out a way to help all the ones left behind. However, this plan consists of something larger than teaching. In order to make an impact that will trickle down to others, a reform must be made outside of the classroom. If technology can dramatically evolve to improve lives, why is the learning environment not doing the same? I realized that this is not just happening in my neighborhood, but in countless parts of the world. When I enrolled in The Honors College at Miami Dade College, I was certain my plan was to ultimately conduct studies to improve education in critical parts of the world. What I was unclear of was which major to choose. Clearly, many career options can lead to work in education. Nevertheless, the important element to consider is that my major should be something I sincerely love and is valuable to my ultimate goals.
In turn, I have taken an eclectic range of courses, which I gleefully look forward to each semester. Simultaneously, the diverse background provides for a strong foundation I recognize will become useful for my plans. Now that my two years at Miami Dade College are complete, I must move onward to an institution that will intellectually push me further to become a well-rounded individual. For this reason, attending a liberal arts college will be the perfect option. Wellesley will provide me with the opportunities I have only dreamt of; the opportunities that I may take everywhere I go to share with others.
Help!
Topic: Address your reasons for transferring and what you hope to achieve?
I think overall all the essay is well thought out, the word choice is good, and I liked the essay overall!
If you have time, PLEASE review my essays, they are due today and I need some more opinions.
I really like your essay. It is impressive. Because you indicate that the essay is for several liberal arts colleges. And they want to know what you hope to achieve. maybe you should talk a little bit about how the unique liberal arts could help you in the future.
I approached him afterwards, where he said "oh, Karla, I didn't think anyone would actually do it. Thank you, though." ---This is terrible! What a sorry excuse for a teacher!
I graduated high school with the idea of moving forward with my education ; of figuring out a way to help all the ones left behind.
What I was unclear about, was which major to choose.
Simultaneously, the diverse background provides for a strong foundation, which I know will become useful for my plans.
This is great now! Nice work!
:)
