Posts by ses11793

ses11793

Jan 21, 2012

Undergraduate / 'to become an editor at Seventeen Magazine' - UT Austin External Transfer SOP [3]

Thanks so much to both of your responses! Susan, I went ahead and changed those things you listed above that needed to be changed, and Rick, I did nix the who negative newspaper part and reworded to CAP program issue to make it more understandable.

I do feel like it's a little too wordy in the middle, though :/

Thanks again! :)

ses11793

Jan 16, 2012

Undergraduate / "My Future in Neuroscience" USC Neurosci Transfer [6]

All in all, really well written essay. Though wordy in a few places (never be afraid to cut a lengthy sentence into two, more concise and coherent sentences), you state your respect for your current university (something colleges LOVE to see), yet highlight the downside to it and how the university you hope to transfer to fulfills that downside.

Universities love to also see students enthralled with their education and the goals they hope to achieve with it, and you definitely hit the nail on the head with the enthusiasm.

Just a couple of grammatical errors:

Instead of using a comma between "...an intellectually charged environment, a place where I can be challenged academically and stimulated by my peers", try placing a semi-colon there. It makes more a point.

Also, change the second "to" in "...and would be grateful to be given to opportunity" to "the".

I hope you the best of luck on transferring! I'm currently dealing with the same thing right now! Fingers crossed for both of us!

ses11793

Jan 16, 2012

Scholarship / 'constant drive for new and better technology' -how the scholarship will affect goals [2]

It's a pretty well written response. You hit every topic they asked you to highlight in your response. Watch out for wordiness in some places. It's ok to break a long sentence into two more coherent and concise sentences.

Change "other's" in "...and trusted to tend to other's networks" to "others'".

Change "blink" in "...professional studies at the blink of an opportunity" to "sign" to make the statement more coherent.

Completely take out "even though my two eldest brothers tried their hardest in school, we just never had the best of luck" and end the sentence at "...first of my siblings to attend college".

Other than that, you seem on track.

Best wishes on your scholarship and the many you will probably be applying for in the near future.
Believe me, applying for scholarships can get monotonous REAL fast, so stay strong!

ses11793

Jan 16, 2012

Undergraduate / 'to become an editor at Seventeen Magazine' - UT Austin External Transfer SOP [3]

I am currently a student at UTSA and I'm trying to transfer out to UT. I love UTSA, but I cannot stay for the lack of a Journalism program. I would greatly appreciate it if y'all could give me some tips and/or edits for my essay.

My current GPA is a 3.21, which I have heard is on the lower end of the average accepted GPA spectrum, due to my intense work schedule and the time I devote to the organization described in the essay, so this essay needs to be STRONG.

Please and thank you :)

Not a day goes by where I don't get asked if the silver "17" that lays flat against my chest on its matching silver chain is my boyfriend's jersey number or, thanks to my small stature, my age. It's hard to explain to people that the little silver charm means much more than silly teenage love or advertisement of my youth. The number 17 has seemingly intertwined its way throughout my life in inexplicable ways, whether it be my day of birth, the age of my first car and my first kiss or placed in front of two zeros for my SAT score. So, when I realized my calling in life, conveniently while I was also 17, I knew there could be no other magazine I rather be an editor for: Seventeen Magazine.

An active subscriber and lover of everything that fills the many pages of the teenage magazine, it was a no-brainer that I absolutely had to write for and edit the pages of the publication, but with the deliverance of my rejection letter last February, my chances seemed bleak. Even though I denied the CAP program offered to me for AP score and dual credit acceptance issues, I still longed to be a Longhorn.

Upon my admission to the University of Texas at San Antonio, I was discouraged to find that they did not have a journalism program or even a yearbook. All I found was an infamously horrendous school newspaper that seems to be the constant subject of ridicule and mockery from its students, and even its contributors. I had figured that I was doomed; doomed to no journalism courses; doomed to a school that I knew almost nothing about; doomed to a failed dream.

I took it upon myself to do what I could with what I had. I joined a philanthropic organization at school that I had become aware of in high school, For The Kids Dance Marathon at UTSA, and knew right off the bat that I wanted to do something within their communications committee that involved my two loves: talking to and connecting with young people, and writing. I felt almost as if I was interviewing for a job. There was an consultation, a panel of members deliberating my future success within the organization, and a long, long wait, but finally I was named the High School Captain of the Communications Committee. I love my position. I talk to organizations within local High Schools, even an Elementary school, and present to them to get them amped up to be involved within their community and maybe even their future alma mater.

Though my position within the committee does not allow me to write as avidly as I would like, I write as many fun and quirky emails as I can, whether it be to High Schools or other members updating them on what's been going on in the organization and how they can continue to get involved. I am also part of the pen-pal program within FTK, where I write letters to the very kids we help out and fundraise for at Christus Santa Rosa Hospital. Furthermore, I have taken it upon myself to help edit our FTK Manual, which denotes every detail and answers every little question one could possibly have about FTK. And with the launch of our FTK Blog, I hope to frequently post on there as well.

Although I did not get accepted last year, and things seemed dark at the time, "it is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any sort of self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized" (I-Ching). While my path may fall upon some road bumps along the way, it has woven itself within a brilliant organization, yet still runs along I-35 towards the University of Texas, and the never-ending goal to become an editor at Seventeen Magazine.