mgrand64
Dec 7, 2008
Undergraduate / Commonapp personal essay--not enough "me"? [8]
I think this is a great essay. My suggestions for improving it:
Be sure to leave a space after each period.
Where you said "She is an outcast, walking on the edge of the city. What she needs is not compassion, but love and care.", it is unclear how this fits with what came before it. Did you mean to say something like "It was at that moment I realized that she was an outcast..." ? Also, you changed tense in those sentences, talking about her in past tense and then in present tense.
There's a start. I hope this helps! :)
I think this is a great essay. My suggestions for improving it:
Be sure to leave a space after each period.
Where you said "She is an outcast, walking on the edge of the city. What she needs is not compassion, but love and care.", it is unclear how this fits with what came before it. Did you mean to say something like "It was at that moment I realized that she was an outcast..." ? Also, you changed tense in those sentences, talking about her in past tense and then in present tense.
There's a start. I hope this helps! :)
