Posts by mgrand64
Joined: Dec 2, 2008 |
Last Post: Dec 7, 2008
Threads: - Posts: 2
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From: United States of America
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Displayed posts: 2
Undergraduate /
Commonapp personal essay--not enough "me"? [8]
I think this is a great essay. My suggestions for improving it:
Be sure to leave a space after each period.
Where you said "She is an outcast, walking on the edge of the city. What she needs is not compassion, but love and care.", it is unclear how this fits with what came before it. Did you mean to say something like "It was at that moment I realized that she was an outcast..." ? Also, you changed tense in those sentences, talking about her in past tense and then in present tense.
There's a start. I hope this helps! :)
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