Posts by iliketofu

iliketofu

Jan 31, 2012

Undergraduate / "too compassionate" - McMaster Health Science: What defines you as you? [3]

Thank you so much for your edit!!
It is possible for you to help me make it more concise and shorten down a little bit because I wrote over the word limit by around 15 words.

Again, thank you!!

iliketofu

Jan 31, 2012

Undergraduate / "Time" - McMaster Health Science: a Four Letter Word that should be Preserved [3]

Sorry please ignore the first draft. I just editted a little bit so please read this one instead:

It is eternal, with no beginning or end. It is the creation of everything and will exist after the end of everything. Without it, nothing exists. It is what humans perceive as "time". This four letter word, time, should survive through itself(time) as it is perhaps the most significant word of existence.

Time will forever be the creator of everything. Every movement of creation is linked and fixed to a time frame. Take yourself as an example. You were put to this world through a time process of around nine months. Without time, you would not be here reading my application form, unless magic exists. Since all derivation of actual existence eternally depends on time, the word must be preserved.

Time is also valuable. It waits for no one. The preservation of time could prevent a missed train, a lost race, a death of a loved one...the examples are endless, just like time. A moment not efficiently spent is an eternal loss. This is why humans must preserve time and use it wisely to accomplish goals and to be successful.

Finally, the word, "time" cannot be replaced because time is applied in almost everything, including science, philosophy, and religion. The word is so frequently used and has existed over centuries. Changing this universal word would be changing almost everything, which is such a waste of time.

Time is conquering, precious, and universal, which is why the word must be preserved. After all, no one truly knows the meaning of time.

iliketofu

Jan 31, 2012

Undergraduate / 'rid ourselves of rationalizations' - parsons challenge [2]

I'm not really good at writing myself but I can help you with some grammar mistakes.
Put a comma after all times: Although we are surrounded by it at all times, my discovery is often overlooked or underestimated.

You should also replace "..." with a comma: As I walked along the sidewalk on a pleasant spring morning and looked through my camera's viewfinder...I discovered light.

This is a run on sentence: Even though light is a constant in our life, it has a magic element to it, I think that as human beings we should sometimes rid ourselves of rationalizations, allowing ourselves to wonder at the elemental parts of life.

So you should separate it into two sentences.

I think your ideas are great and you write a lot better than I do.

iliketofu

Jan 30, 2012

Undergraduate / "too compassionate" - McMaster Health Science: What defines you as you? [3]

Hi, I am bad in English and I would really appreciate any help, editing, and suggestions.

The topic is "What in your opinion defines you as you?" (1500 characters maximum including space and punctuations)

Also, it does not have to be in an essay structure/format

Here is what I wrote:

In 1998, at the age of four, a girl woke up to the sounds of a construction site. Excited, she ran down the flights of stairs to observe the hardworking construction workers. The girl noticed the worker's weariness. So alone, she climbed up ten flights of stairs, back and forth, to bring down as many stools from home as possible for the workers to rest on. Of course, when the girl brought back all the muddy chairs to home, she was scolded harshly by her grandmother for her stupidity.

On a summer day of 2008, the thirteen-year-old girl was walking elegantly in her pearl white chiffon. She was excited since it was her first time attending a wedding. While making every effort to maintain a clean dress since the wedding was about to begin, she saw a limping pigeon. Its right wing and foot were so tightly coiled with string that it caused deformation and wounds. Without hesitation, she kneeled on the grass and began her procedure in treating the bird. Having been lectured countless of times in the past, she was scolded once again by her grandmother.

Today, the girl knows she is scolded not because she is stupid, but "too compassionate", as that is what her grandmother told her. Although outcomes are unfavourable at times, the girl is happy and believes that compassion is a quality one sufficiently need in order to be a successful learner. Knowledge would be useless unless it is learned and used to help others. That compassionate girl is me, and my compassion brings me the passion to contribute to the world through helping others with the knowledge I gain.

Please help! Thanks so much.