rosiesteinbach
Mar 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Transfer Essay for College- Not the future I want [4]
"Child, always remember the reason why we left our parents, siblings, house, jobs and homeland - it was for your future".Period here goes inside the quotation.
while walking across campus and I realized
teaching the material to their students and the advisors really cared
You might want a comma before "and" in these since they're independent clauses.
college wasn't similar to one in an intellectual communityConsider using something like "wasn't that of an intellectual community" for brevity.
education for themselves ...challenge themselvesThis is OK, but try merging the sentences or separating them with a semicolon, and/or saying something like "weren't motivated to pursue a high-quality education" to eliminate the double "themselves" :)
It is similar to high school where education was by the textbook and the goal of the professor wasn't to challenge usConsider making this less passive by moving it to the present tense: "It is similar to high school: education is by textbook, and the professor's intent is not to challenge us."
Another aspect of college that I was excited for after arriving at B. College was joining clubs and being active. I had participated in various clubs in high school and was used to the level of enthusiasm for being involved.The last part of the second sentence isn't grammatically correct, but the rest is OK I think. If you want, try "Another aspect of college that excited me before I came to B. College was the huge number of active clubs and sports activities on most campuses; I participated in various clubs in high school and loved the enthusiasm that they evoked in their members."
Red Cross Club as I was interested Comma after "Club" here.
The first meeting consisted of ten people including the board members. The following meetings had a similar number of students. This number really surprised me as I was used to a large number of members in every club during high school and expected more for a college. I soon found out that this was the case with most clubs at the college and most clubs that I was interested in were inactive. The majority of the students came for their class and left directly afterwards.You spend a while on this. I think you could effectively communicate the lack of enthusiasm in about three sentences, if you wanted, and it might help with the flow of ideas. The last sentence, for instance, is sort of unnecessary -- the reader can easily imagine the clubs being inactive.
place to builtShould be "build" here.
To me theYou need a comma after "me" here.
I was a Chemistry Major in high school after gaining an interest in it after taking Regents Chemistry.You should take this sentence out because it doesn't serve as a real introduction to the paragraph, you branch off from it.
I have slowly gained an interest in Biology after taking Human Physiology in High School and taking Introductory Biology in College. I have started to appreciate the linkage between Biology and Chemistry and realized that they aren't two different subjects but work hand in hand in our day to day life. That's why I decided to major in Biochemistry in College. It's fascinating to understand the chemistry of biological processes. Biochemistry focuses on the cell and small molecules and I have realized that to fully understand our body, we need to start there. However, to my disappointment, B. College doesn't have a focused Biochemistry major. I can major in Biology with a minor in Chemistry but doing this can't be compared to an intensive study of Biochemistry. The courses offered to me are also limited in scope compared with the ones I would be studying if I transfer. This is another way I am limited in achieving my future goals at B. College. By transferring to a college which has a acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can learn freely and not be limited by peers or the courses available to me.Incorporate your chemistry interest here: "After taking several classes in biology and chemistry in both high school and college, I developed an appreciation for the linkage between these two fields. [ADD STUFF HERE ABOUT WHY THEY'RE SO COOL.] I had hoped to major in biochemistry in college, but to my disappointment, B. College does not offer a focused biochemistry major; the courses offered to me here are limited in scope compared to those that I will be able to study if I transfer. By transferring to a college with a vibrant student body and an acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can work towards the aspirations I've had for so long, and towards knowledge of a subject I am truly passionate about."
Great content, good luck!
Oh! Also, you don't need to capitalize a field of study (chemistry, biology, etc.) unless it is the formal title of a class (with the exception of subjects that would be capitalized in any use, like English or American something).
"Child, always remember the reason why we left our parents, siblings, house, jobs and homeland - it was for your future".Period here goes inside the quotation.
while walking across campus and I realized
teaching the material to their students and the advisors really cared
You might want a comma before "and" in these since they're independent clauses.
college wasn't similar to one in an intellectual communityConsider using something like "wasn't that of an intellectual community" for brevity.
education for themselves ...challenge themselvesThis is OK, but try merging the sentences or separating them with a semicolon, and/or saying something like "weren't motivated to pursue a high-quality education" to eliminate the double "themselves" :)
It is similar to high school where education was by the textbook and the goal of the professor wasn't to challenge usConsider making this less passive by moving it to the present tense: "It is similar to high school: education is by textbook, and the professor's intent is not to challenge us."
Another aspect of college that I was excited for after arriving at B. College was joining clubs and being active. I had participated in various clubs in high school and was used to the level of enthusiasm for being involved.The last part of the second sentence isn't grammatically correct, but the rest is OK I think. If you want, try "Another aspect of college that excited me before I came to B. College was the huge number of active clubs and sports activities on most campuses; I participated in various clubs in high school and loved the enthusiasm that they evoked in their members."
Red Cross Club as I was interested Comma after "Club" here.
The first meeting consisted of ten people including the board members. The following meetings had a similar number of students. This number really surprised me as I was used to a large number of members in every club during high school and expected more for a college. I soon found out that this was the case with most clubs at the college and most clubs that I was interested in were inactive. The majority of the students came for their class and left directly afterwards.You spend a while on this. I think you could effectively communicate the lack of enthusiasm in about three sentences, if you wanted, and it might help with the flow of ideas. The last sentence, for instance, is sort of unnecessary -- the reader can easily imagine the clubs being inactive.
place to builtShould be "build" here.
To me theYou need a comma after "me" here.
I was a Chemistry Major in high school after gaining an interest in it after taking Regents Chemistry.You should take this sentence out because it doesn't serve as a real introduction to the paragraph, you branch off from it.
I have slowly gained an interest in Biology after taking Human Physiology in High School and taking Introductory Biology in College. I have started to appreciate the linkage between Biology and Chemistry and realized that they aren't two different subjects but work hand in hand in our day to day life. That's why I decided to major in Biochemistry in College. It's fascinating to understand the chemistry of biological processes. Biochemistry focuses on the cell and small molecules and I have realized that to fully understand our body, we need to start there. However, to my disappointment, B. College doesn't have a focused Biochemistry major. I can major in Biology with a minor in Chemistry but doing this can't be compared to an intensive study of Biochemistry. The courses offered to me are also limited in scope compared with the ones I would be studying if I transfer. This is another way I am limited in achieving my future goals at B. College. By transferring to a college which has a acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can learn freely and not be limited by peers or the courses available to me.Incorporate your chemistry interest here: "After taking several classes in biology and chemistry in both high school and college, I developed an appreciation for the linkage between these two fields. [ADD STUFF HERE ABOUT WHY THEY'RE SO COOL.] I had hoped to major in biochemistry in college, but to my disappointment, B. College does not offer a focused biochemistry major; the courses offered to me here are limited in scope compared to those that I will be able to study if I transfer. By transferring to a college with a vibrant student body and an acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can work towards the aspirations I've had for so long, and towards knowledge of a subject I am truly passionate about."
Great content, good luck!
Oh! Also, you don't need to capitalize a field of study (chemistry, biology, etc.) unless it is the formal title of a class (with the exception of subjects that would be capitalized in any use, like English or American something).