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Posts by raisin
Joined: Dec 11, 2008
Last Post: Dec 12, 2008
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 9
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raisin   
Dec 12, 2008
Undergraduate / Talking about Disney in my admission essay - Is that too childish? [4]

Hi, thanks so much for your constructive feedback! (:

I took your advice and searched Google Scholar but could not find much. Could you give me an example of 'fascinating info'?

I was watching videos of Walt Disney a few years back and what I personally found interesting is that even till today... Walt Disney's portrait is hung in almost every single studio in Walt Disney Studios. Some animators have even admitted that when they face obstacles, they turn to look at the picture and ask themselves, 'What would Walt do?'

Other random titbits I know are that, Walt Disney didn't like people to call him Mister Walt or Mister Disney. He would request that people (even strangers!) simply call him 'Walt' because he didn't like formalities.

I'm not sure if that's what you mean mean by 'fascinating'?

Thank you very much (: You've given me new confidence to continue writing along this line :D
raisin   
Dec 12, 2008
Undergraduate / the Singapore Youth Flying Club - college admission essay [6]

Thank you very much for your advice! :D

I have one more concern. Is the essay's flow a little too choppy?
I started out by describing my last flight before I went into the details of how I joined Singapore Youth Flying Club because I thought it would a more interesting opening. However, I'm worried that my essay might sound too choppy if I suddenly add in the background details in the middle and jump back into my last flight.

Would it be better if I put the background details first and then talk about my last flight without a break?

Thank you. I'll try to shorten it so more people can give feedback (:
raisin   
Dec 11, 2008
Undergraduate / English as a barrier, a freshmen; "Never say you failed without trying" [5]

You said you had difficulty connecting it to a dream or aspiration.

Well, maybe you could give an example of the difficulty you experienced as a fresh immigrant in the beginning. Then at the end, you could mention something along the lines of you hoping to help others like you, so nobody will have to feel lost in the language world, just like you did in the early example?
raisin   
Dec 11, 2008
Undergraduate / the Singapore Youth Flying Club - college admission essay [6]

Hi. I've worked on another College Admission Essay.
It's my first draft and insanely long. I'll be working on cutting it. For example, I think the first paragraph can be removed without compromising content.

I also feel that a lot of description paragraphs should be deleted to shift the focus to the lessons I learnt from my flying experience.

But I'd like to hear others' opinion on the content. Do I sound too smug when I say that I can grasp the flying concepts quickly enough?

The cool morning air was fresh and the sun was out, gently illuminating the runway ahead. As I walked around the Piper Warrior II carrying out external checks, the surroundings were unnaturally quiet, without the usual chatter of technicians or roar of engines. I patted the bright yellow wings of the plane, a little more carefully than I usually did, as if it would offer me additional luck.

The familiar strong smell of leather and sweat hit me as I climbed into the cockpit and strapped myself in for Pre-Start Checks. I went through Checks especially thoroughly today, for fear that it would be the last time I would adjust the altimeter, flip the switches, lock in the primer, arm the ELT...

I sat back and waited for my instructor, running through the Air Exercise mentally in the meantime. I could hear my father revising with me in my head, 'Come on, Mandy! It's not difficult. Entry into a Medium Level Turn: Lookout, 30o angle of bank on your ailerons, apply the rudder and slight Back Pressure. You know this, just practise coordinating it with your arms and legs.' He demonstrated several times, holding my hands to guide me through the motions.

It came so naturally to him. After all, he had been flying since he entered the Air Force... <not sure of the details, I'll fill it in later> I grew up watching the walls at home accumulate with awards, plaques and frames of fighter jets. As he shared with me the exhilaration of flying, my curiosity about flying developed over the years.

I joined the Singapore Youth Flying Club (SYFC), Course 152, eager to learn about the skies that had captured my father's love and admiration for so long. Sitting through lectures, experimenting with simulators and flying in the Piper Warrior II, I began to understand the indescribable thrill behind flying in the skies. Flying was no longer a search to understand my father's love. Flying became MY love.

This would be my 8th flight (sortie), time for my instructor to decide if I would be selected to continue for the Basic Flying Course II. This was my last chance to prove to my instructor my capability and I had been preparing for it for days. I could not fail...

My instructor climbed in, prepared with his cap, shades, gloves and flying suit. Wong CC, well-reputed as a strict but good instructor, the man whom I respected and feared so much. Each compliment would send me over the moon while each failing he pointed out would motivate me to practise at the simulator for hours.

"Ready? This is your 8th sortie, right? So, let's see how today goes and I'll decide if you make it through the next round."

It was both the best and the worst flight ever. I took the time to better appreciate the thrill of flying, that subtle lurch in the stomach with my take-off, the morning view up in the skies, the proximity of the clouds, the power I felt as I held the Control Column, the whirr of the engine... I got to experience stunts, rollovers and rocking of the plane as we daringly flew through clouds.

But it was in that same flight that my flying dream was cut short. My mind was clear on what to do but my limbs just would not obey. I just could not turn 30o accurately enough, always over or under-estimating. I could not lock down the Control Column without moving it slightly. During stall recovery, I lacked the strength to pull the Control Column toward me without using both of my hands. In my head, I constantly reprimanded myself, 'Buck up! You have to perform well if you want to get selected!'

The outcome of my flying fate was obvious. After my instructor kindly broke the news to me, I hid in the locker room and could not help but cry. It was my first real failure. I had always believed that if I wanted something bad enough and worked hard at it, I would be able to achieve anything. I had never been proven wrong so far. I had always achieved what I set out to do, until today. I had wanted very badly to be selected into the next round, to make my father proud and more importantly, to fulfil my dreams of flying. The disappointment was just overwhelming.

As I mulled over my failure, I realized that 'Intelligence' wasn't everything. I could grasp the flying concepts easily enough. I could easily recite the optimal speeds and altitudes of all air exercises, recall all the necessary Checks... but yet I would fumble when I was in the air. I thought I would be able to overcome my failings with more practice but evidently, that wasn't sufficient. The key was 'Experience'. If I wasn't naturally gifted in flying, I would have to put in more than the 3 months of practice. 'Experience' would take a lot of effort to accumulate but to continue my dream of flying, it would not be an insurmountable task.

And that is why we respect people with experience. We acknowledge that their experience did not come easy, but with hard work and time. That perhaps explains the inexplicable admiration I have for my instructor. Underneath his harsh exterior, broken English and comical inability to pronounce my name correctly, I could see that he had gotten to where he was today, out of sheer hard work over the years.

I still have yet to remove the cockpit poster on my bedroom wall. To me, it serves as two reminders. Firstly, my flying dream has yet to be fulfilled. One day, I'll follow my instructor's advice to take up private flying lessons, ready to put in hours of practice and gain experience. Secondly, it reminds me of the humbling lesson learnt at SYFC, spurring me to venture out in the world and humbly learn from other's experiences. It is with this mentality that I hope to enter <University Name> and have the opportunity to gain and learn from others, the experience I will need to be successful in life.

I can't seem to put down in words the Reflection portion. If any of you could help me better put in words my ideas, please feel free to give your suggestions!

I also feel very strongly for this line in a famous poem. 'Because I Fly, I envy no man on earth.' I would like to put it in but can't see any relevant area for me to insert in. Please do suggest if you can help me!

Also, one concern of mine is if all the Flying lingo puts anybody off. I put them in to better illustrate my Flying experience but I hope it doesn't backfire!

Thank you very much!
raisin   
Dec 11, 2008
Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

I really liked your essay! It was an interesting read.
However, just some slight bones to pick...

"Ni jiao shen me ming zi?" demanded the interviewer in mandarin.

Perhaps another word would be better than 'demanded'?

Also, 'Fumbling my hands and looking around her embellished office, I tired to ease my anxiety.'

The term 'Embellished' might be a little inappropriate and it does not have much purpose in your essay. Perhaps replace it with another word or remove it?

Hope my comments were useful (:
raisin   
Dec 11, 2008
Essays / A letter to my first-year roommate. I have no idea what to talk about. [19]

Yeah, I think your idiosyncracies would be an interesting read.
You could also drop in some hints on your good qualities.

Like if you're a very hardworking person, you could say, 'Can you sleep with lights on? I tend to study till quite late in the night. However, if you can't, I'd gladly move to the library'.

Or you could warn the person that you're quite a neat freak (:

I think it would be quite an interesting read!
raisin   
Dec 11, 2008
Undergraduate / Talking about Disney in my admission essay - Is that too childish? [4]

I honestly am quite in love with Disney cartoons so I decided to try my luck and base my admission essay about it. I'm hoping to use this for Common Apps, under Question 4 (Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work [as in art, music, science, etc.] that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence) or under Question 6 (Topic of my choice) However, I started having writer's block halfway.

Nonetheless, here are my first 2 paragraphs which I feel are quite OK by my standards.


'It started with a mouse' -- not only for Walt Disney but for me as well. I grew up in the world of Disney animated features, where I would watch Mickey and his friends grapple with quirky predicaments onscreen with accompanying catchy jingles. I gradually fell in love with the Disney world, the magical domain where I was safe in the knowledge that endings would always be happy-ever-after.

Of course, I wasn't disillusioned for long. As I grew up and became more aware of the harsh circumstances of reality, I began to realize that the magical world of Disney was an idealistic and even absurd portrayal of the world. Animals do not talk and people are unable to fly no matter the amount of pixie dust (or talcum powder, that I tried). With maturity, I learnt about poverty, hunger, disaster and corruption. The happy-ever-after that I had assumed applied to everyone did not seem so definite to me anymore.

Yet, I was far too reluctant to give up on all the hopes that Disney films had imbued in me. Perhaps wishing upon a star would not always come true, but surely 'Anything your heart desires/Will come to you' with hard work. Slowly, I realized that Disney films offered more than just misleading depictions of the world but rather, underneath the magical fantasy packaging, they were reminders of the goodness in the world. Using Dewitt Jones' maxim, Disney was 'celebrating what's right with the world'. This understanding has influenced my general mentality, not to passively bemoan the disappointing happenings in the world but to be optimistic and 'celebrate what's right with the world', moulding the cheerful disposition in me.

Eventually, I became more curious about the man who had built this empire of dreams which meant so much to me. I wanted to know more about his background, thoughts and personal beliefs. I began watching 'The-Making-Of' bonus features on my Disney DVDs and Youtube videos featuring Walt Disney. He was indeed like any ordinary man from humble origins, working on a farm and delivering newspapers. Neither was he a stranger to setbacks, with many failed studios before he finally struck success with Walt Disney Studios and Mickey Mouse. I would watch in awe at the way his colleagues would speak of him respectfully, praising his personal qualities and work ethics. I found that we shared several similarities - we were both competitive perfectionists who valued teamwork. These attributes, along with the other values that Disney characters taught me, such as perseverance, selflessness and courage to follow one's dreams, have shaped the character that I am today. From these videos, I also realized that it wasn't sufficient to sit back and appreciate the good facets of life. Like Walt Disney, I could not 'ignore' the unfortunate things in life but I had to actively create positive influences to be celebrated and to improve the world.

Walt Disney was 'realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter'. Similarly, I believe that I can reconcile my hopes with reality, not by being escapist and hiding in my own idealistic world of comfort. Instead, I hope to venture out in the world and meet different people, to learn and grow from others' experiences besides my own. Then, we can work together to make steps toward that idealistic world as best as we can. In the words of Walt Disney himself, "You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality.'

Of course, I might never live to see a day in that 'perfect world', just like how Walt Disney never lived long enough to witness the opening of Disneyworld, the perfect world that he had dreamed of. But the idea of having made a significant step toward that Happy-Ever-After dream is encouraging enough. It'll be an uphill task, no doubt. However, as Walt Disney once said, 'It's kind of fun to do the impossible.'

This time, my focus is on the general flow of the essay as well as the vocabulary used. If there are better words that you think could better illustrate my ideas, please do suggest!

What do you all think? Will I appear too childish if I talk about Disney?
raisin   
Dec 11, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Gymnastics competitions' - application essay- topic #1 (significant experience) [7]

I like how you linked your ending with your intro, with the 'Paul Revere' idea (:
It made your essay seem more holistic

Just one minor point. Perhaps it might be better to say, 'After something this upsetting, all I could do was leave it in the past and perform my best for the rest of the competition.'

All the best with your college admission!
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